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MonoVCPHG 04-26-2009 05:32 AM

Just saying hi
I just entered a polyamourous relationship in January with Redpepper. I am monogamous, she is polyamorous and is happily married to a great guy. We are all close and the relationship is amazing! My intention is only to share thoughts from my perspective on this forum. I will refrain from commenting on things I have not experienced..at least I will try..I have a problem with taking on the pain of others so I need to withdrawal at times to process. Please don't feel disrespected if I seem to be ignoring a response or comment! Share and enjoy!

River 04-26-2009 02:22 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 589)
I am monogomous, she is polyamorous

A very common definition of polyamory is the one provided by Wikipedia:
"Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved."

Since you are clearly accepting of the polyamory of your partner, by this definition you are poly. Definitions do vary, however.

[More definitions: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q...PB_en&aq=f&oq= ]

Do you call yourself monogamous because you don't believe you could have two lovers at the same time?

I call myself poly because I am open to having additional lovers. And my partner of 12 years is poly for the same reason. We have a poly ethos, as it may be called, between us. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ethos

But while we're both of the poly ethos, neither of us has an additional lover, so we're otherwise a garden variety couple at the moment.

MonoVCPHG 04-26-2009 02:46 PM

Thanks for the comment, JRiverMartin. I don't see how your definition of poly applies to me. I understand it and appreciate it, which enables me to embrace this relationship, but it is definitely a mono/poly relationship, which are well documented.

Simply put I cannot have two lovers at the same time. My wiring doesn't work that way LOL! I can't even share sexual activities on a playful level with another when I am intimately connected to someone. Trust me, I thought I could love/lust lots of women at the same time when I was married! I was married for sixteen good years but there were incidents. I was not intimately connected with my wife during these times and in fact for several years.

Maybe in the future my fundamental nature of monogamy will change and there is definitely times I wish I was polyamorous in the classical sense..or even just more open or casual sexually. Not because I want other women, but because it would make my own understanding and security greater and maybe dilute my worry about losing her. I enjoy being monogamously intimate and in love with my partner. I also enjoy being a little different and the confusion this sometimes causes to both my monogamous and polyamorous friends. I love how our relationship as a "v" has grow and done so in such a natural way. We are all very happy and the depth and communication is incredible.

I do understand the difficulties in understanding the differences in our intimate natures but I do not engage in debates to justify either. I know this works because it does. I am experiencing it.

If it weren’t for my girlfriend’s polyamorous nature I never would have been accepted into her life and experienced this level of connection. That would be incredibly sad.
Thanks again!

MonoVCPHG 04-26-2009 03:34 PM

Just to clarify. I definitely know I am in a polyamorous relationship, not a monagomous one :) Wouldn't want that to be misunderstood LOL!

River 04-26-2009 04:49 PM

I was listening to an Andrew Bird album when I read your last reply. Then it occurred to me that Andrew has a song by the title of "Nomenclature".

Bird's song:

dictionary definition of nomenclature: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nomenclature

Perhaps the term "polyamory" is yet too new to have come to have a common nomenclature?

In any case, I'm all for allowing people the freedom to define themselves. However, I'm also well aware of the difficulties in commuincation which may arise with everyone using their own private nomenclature.

Just in my own case, if I were not interested in having several lovers myself but had a lover who had yet another lover, I'd call myself polyamorous. Why? I suppose it has to do with solidarity with the poly movement. And, yes, there is a polyamory movement -- though not all polyamorous people are a part of that movement. (I am!) The movement's purpose is to educate the broad public about the polyamory option as a viable, morally neutral alternative to monogamy.

Those who doubt these dual root premises of the polyamory movement, and who are actively at cross-purposes, tend to be monogamists . It is one thing to practice monogamy and another to be a monogamist, with the latter being a person who subscribes to an -ism of the same sort as racism, sexism, ageism, heterosexism.... That is, they believe that they alone are good and right and acceptable..., and that children need to be "educated" in this "correct / proper / appropriate" way. It is an education in shame and in contempt, or even (sometimes) hate. And I find that sort of "education" immoral, improper, and wrong.

I'm proud to be a part of the polyamory movement.

yoxi 04-26-2009 08:00 PM

This fascinates me - the world of nomenclature and how the same words can mean different things to different people. I think if I were basically a one-lover-at-a-time person, but happily with (or happy to be with) someone who was polyamorous, I'd feel more comfortable calling myself 'monogamous but poly-friendly' than polyamorous.

I suppose it all comes down to whether - for you - being polyamorous means having/wanting more than one lover, or being in/wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship.

River 04-26-2009 08:22 PM


Originally Posted by yoxi (Post 596)
I suppose it all comes down to whether - for you - being polyamorous means having/wanting more than one lover, or being in/wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship.

I suppose either choice is as good as the other. I can totally see how someone not wanting, or even being emotionally capable (at the moment), of having more than one love/r at a time, might prefer to identify as monogamous.

I think my response has to do with social stigma against polyamory, and wanting all the parrots to come out and be visible for the liberatory power I thinik visibility has. The more polyfolk doing this, the better, I suppose. I wouldn't want to fault anyone for liking to define themselves as monogamous, for whatever reason they prefer, so long as it is honest.

yoxi 04-26-2009 08:27 PM

Fair do's :)

And of course people don't have to be it to approve of it (in the same way that many millions of people have no problem with others' sexual orientation/s) and ultimately it'd be great to live in a society in which all these options are 'just what some people are into' rather than norm vs. alternative (let alone normal vs. abnormal).

I also understand the need/desire for identity labels, especially for those who experience oppression to gather around, and at the same time I dream of people being able to say: Yes, I'm in a relationship. What? oh, with a couple of other people...

River 04-26-2009 08:55 PM


Originally Posted by yoxi (Post 598)
I dream of people being able to say: Yes, I'm in a relationship. What? oh, with a couple of other people...

I share that dream, and I think it can be made to come about -- though I don't think it will happen without a deliberate educational campaign and a lot of parrots coming out of the closet and saying, "We're here, we're poly, get used to it."

It doesn't have to be shouted or come from anger! It just needs to happen. And it doesn't have to be a parade, a circus, or a carnaval.

It would help, I think, if it were an organized effort, though.

yoxi 04-26-2009 09:16 PM

Fair enough - I know there's know point my saying "If only people would just..." when they don't yet. :)

And I own that while I'm here because polyamory seems natural to me, I'm also hyper-jumpy about labels and all the assumptions they can carry - hell, I have enough trouble with "bi", since in many people's minds it still means "kinky/promiscuous". But I guess it's a menu-driven world, we have to meet it to some extent on its own terms, and say Look, there's polyamory as well as monogamy/promiscuity/celibacy/other - because people connect more easily with a named option than with just saying: I'm not doing it the way you're doing it...

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