Marinia ~ Love Life
This shall be my journal on my love life... it shall be rough. I will use sailor language and will be simply me. I am writing to help me keep track. I care not if someone reads this. I am especially not expecting anything. Sometimes your life is easier to comprehend if you write it from the moment and how you feel as it happens. I also find I can sort things through more easily this way.
12/1/2011 @ 2:31 pm.
Today T came over on his lunch break around noon or so. I missed him. I haven't had alone time with him in a week or more (time is hard to keep track of lately as I keep speeding forward on this possibly derailing train!).
I was taking my boots off on the couch at my father's. I was here alone. T knocked on the door after I had texted him inviting him over. I got butterflies. This always happens when I see him. I can't help smiling, which makes him smile. I missed him SO MUCH. When B was down in Florida (big back story I'll be working towards), it was just T and I.
We had SO much alone time then. Now that's impossible or we have 'family' time. I also am wary of having too much alone time with him, fearing hurting B or making her jealous or feeling alone.
So I threw myself out the door at him and just flung myself all over him. I missed his smell. He was smelling like sweat and work... good combination! ^.^
We kissed a ton. I couldn't help giggling like a little girl. He had shaved his face recently. It scratched all over my face with its roughness which I can still feel tingling with a little burn from the raw friction. I couldn't stop holding him. He was with me on the couch as I just held close to him. I let B know he was over via text. She got to being herself, worried and upset. I don't blame her. Sad face.
His stomach rumbled so I knew he was hungry. I led him to the fridge to feed him. I want to take care of him/baby his needs. I don't show it. Or I act like he's a man - he can do it. T is 23. I don't let him know I want so much to do everything for him.
I showed him a music video: 'Arrows' by Fireworks (very cute!) while he ate a pizza boat.
We have so many like interests I never fear showing him something new. I showed him American Beauty the other week and he loved it so much he went and bought it ^.^
I kept kissing him. He smokes (not happy or mad about it, like I would have been if it had been anyone else), so he tasted like cigarettes. I was drinking Dr. Pepper so that's what I tasted like apparently :D
I am naturally a very sexual person, so of course I got pretty excited. He could tell and he did as well. I climbed on top of him to kiss him and I feel very passionate that way. One thing led to another to the guest bedroom.
We had sex/made love? slowly. I asked him a couple weeks back what he thought it was we did when we were intimate in a physical, intercourse, way. I asked if we made love. He said we did sometimes. I asked if we fucked ever, he said yes. Usually I like it fast or rough so I consider it fucking then. But lately the slow and tender way has been more appealing. We made love, yes, made love today.
It was lovely.
He held me a bit again downstairs when we were dressed again. We texted B because we had neglected to do so in our selfish desires. I told her we did stuff and I was sorry I didn't reply right away. He had to leave for work again, which made my heart heavy.
B wasn't doing well. She spam texts or calls...
At first she texted: What are you doing? I tell you everything all the time . .
-Which for one is partially true. She texts alot, I'm not that way usually. I am not huge for technology. She tells me yes, sometimes in a gloating way. Either way though I don't get upset. The very first time they were together when she got back though, I loathed it and I felt sick. We weren't really 'together' wholly per say then though. And then she tried to rub it in my face. She insisted then that it had to hurt and blah blah blah... it did but I acted tough to avoid upsetting T.
I didn't respond so she continued: I love you. Sorry if i was frustrated.
She was. Still was.
She spammed it three times. We finished at this point and I texted her back. I simply said sorry for not texting. We did naughty things*
*that's what we call it. Never sex.
She texted back: I figured. No sorry. Sex with you is better for him than it is with me. Ill live with it.
Which makes me feel like dirt... Some back story now! The first threesome we had ended in sex. B and I already had orgasms and we wanted T to cum. We wanted it to end with him going back and forth having sex with us. I watched him in amazement have sex with her and marveled in her body tremors and I wanted to learn how to make her do that. I watched ever excited and happy ^.^ Then he did with me. He faced me, me on bottom. He went slow. His face looked pained... I was pretty sure he was close to cumming. Then he went back to B. He did it fast and hard with her. I was sad because I wanted that. When he came back it was slow again. B said he couldn't cum in only one of us, it wouldn't be fair. He pulled out and went all over us. I was upset I didn't get the fast she had gotten but I got over it quickly. I went to work. She wasn't happy he went slow with me and fast her. She asked him about why he did it differently. He said we gave him different sensations. We felt different. B can't ever leave it alone. She was curious and asked. I don't blame her. He said why which she regretted. I haven't been with many people. She has. he explained he has to go slower with me because it feels so good because I am tighter... ... ... ... ... She is still pained by this.
I felt like poo and she felt that so she made amends quickly.
She sent: Im in a bad mood. . You didn't do anything wrong. Dont be proud of me (I had told her I was because she was working). I love you! I fucking miss you. But its whatever. I dont think I should talk to you right now because i might be mean. . And i dont want to be.
Then right away she texted, Im sorry. Im ok. :( i miss you :( :(
it's okay now and we're texting. The conversation they had about our first threesome wasn't what she or I had wanted.
And this past threesome didn't help...
We had already done stuff and he had already came but later we (B and I) decided we just wanted penis, not too much threesome stuff. We did help him touch the other but not like the other times. So we were doing that. He made her cum. She wanted him to make me cum and I really wanted that ha ha ha! She said I had to tell him how to do it to make me cum. I said I wanted it fast and hard. He was doing good and I was almost there... Until he slowed and said, "Baby, I came." I pulled out from under him and flung myself onto B. She was silent for a long time... It was night time so we all laid in the dark. She was upset. I whispered over and over I was sorry and that I hadn't wanted him to do that. She said it was okay. After forever when she was okay she pulled T towards us and made a Marinia sandwich. i still felt bad so T had my back and she had my front. I wouldn't acknowledge him much. We resolved it though.
I got on here and joined this for guidance, help, venting without telling people I actually know. So I've been here since :D good decision on my part.
I hope this message wasn't too graphic? I hope not. Someone let me know please! I just felt like all that was relevant and not graphic just to be graphic.
T promised to come over after work too.
Shit! It's now, 3:26 pm....
I have to work tonight at 10... I need sleep. :(
T gets off in half an hour to an hour :D goodnight journal and www.polyamory.com
P.s. B just called. I think she thinks T is already here... She gets so jealous, but it's warranted. I'll get to that soon.
P.s.s. sometimes though I do get overwhelmed by her constant pressing. :( But she'll accuse me of seeing him in the morning when he's not even at owrk yet. Or she'll worry he hasn't texted her or I and she's worried he's cheating.
P.s.s.s. She said I could bring another guy into the relationship if I ever wanted someone else. She said it could never be another girl (this is out of insecurity I know).
P.s.s.s.s. T said I could only bring in a girl if I ever wanted someone else, because he is insecure too, although he won't say so.
it's not 3:34
It is 12/03/2011. It is 12:59 pm.
T is on lunch... want him to see me... !!!
I'm on the couch as Savannah chats at me. (My stepmom ^.^ I'll go to that in my life journal!!!) I'm tired. I try to talk back but I'm tired and she chats... A-flipping-LOT.
He hasn't texted back...
It's snowing big flakes outside.... YAY!
Anyways the last few days have been turbulent...
After T saw me Thursday he was supposed to come see me after work... he didn't. It was okay because I was asleep... B saw me but I didn't even know it, I slept and she didn't want to wake me really.
This was all fine. I didn't care.
I found out she told T I was asleep so he wouldn't come.
Just found out he's not coming... crushed...
Anyways on with the story.
So he didn't come, which was okay... but she had him come see her instead................................
It's just a little frustrating. I felt like she went behind my back...
I expressed this to her. It was okay after a frustrating conversation. She gets frustrated that I get upset.
Like last night... T planned on staying tonight. I planned on this. B had a couple nights alone with him. I had a couple nights alone with her. It would only be fair if I got one with him. I saw him maybe an hour this entire week. He doesn't work tomorrow. I planned on him staying tonight and them both staying tomorrow night and he could just drive to work Monday morning from my apartment. I tried to tell her this. She got very upset saying, I could have them both that night. Which is true. But then she wanted me alone Sunday night... I said I didn't want that. She said she was leaving.
I got frustrated and T wasn't going to stay. But I texted them both saying:
I was sick of the mind games. I'm simple. I'm easy going. This is too complicated. I had to deal with this with L*... the manipulation to get what he wanted.
L is my ex.
T said he was stressed too. B said it was true and she was sorry. He could stay but she just wished I'd push for us all. I did, just not how she wanted.
T said he was going to stay. B said have a good night and weekend meaning she was pissed.
I texted her saying I found it unfair how she wanted it.
She apologized. I went to work..........................
It's not like I can do anything sexually, curse you female body. I just want to talk to him is all.
But now that might be ruined. It is a L's birthday. We've been getting along well. It'd mean alot to him. But it's T's day off tomorrow and I pushed so hard for him to stay.....
I always double book myself, not intentionally... :(
I texted T saying he should come on lunch so I could talk to him. He said he couldn't come. Or B asked him not to...
I asked him to come after he was off of work. I just texted B and asked if that would be fine. I hope so. Waiting for her reply.
Savannah is chatting at me again... love her but...
Maybe I'll write more after she gets back to me? I'll do that. This way I can start my life journal. . . ! Brilliant. :D
Entry 2 Continued.
Maybe I'll instead write our crappy history...
This will be long... I have a bad time with writing posts, I usually hit a button and it'll all be erased. CROSSING MY FINGERS!!!
I started work about 6 months ago (HOLY COW TIME FLIES)!!!
I was engaged to L. L and I kind of fell out of love and we were just fighting. But I defended us because I always had to. My family didn't like L, stating he's unmotivated, which he is.
I was so stressed and hurt by L because he had lied to me about major things twice, each for over a year and a half!!! I felt betrayed. On top of it, he backed out of going to a college with me so I settled on the local community college to stay near him. Then in the summertime we were going to get an apartment together. We found the perfect cozy apartment. We could afford it together. But he backed out and he lost it to someone else. It was one of those apartments people aren't going to leave easily...
Then last year we ever supposed to get married on our anniversary... He backed out... He left me those times I feel emotionally. I finally left big commitments alone. I couldn't be mad but... I was hurt. He said he wanted these things. But when the chance came... nothing. I left like the world was spinning around me. I had family issues and I needed him and he left me on so many fronts. I was on a merry-go-round spinning round and round and he wasn't there when it slowed and the dust settled. i can only see this in retrospect.
So I started work. I pretended I was okay with everything, or well was disillusioned... and then I met T. Cue complications.
I worked overnights. We have to stay over our time sometimes because we have a huge work load with little allotted time. T works days. He comes in at 7.
The first morning I saw him I was embarrassed. He caught me leaning on a ladder with my boobs resting on a rung. He smiled his sly smile. ^.^ It was a nice smile. He said good morning. I removed myself from the ladder and returned his morning with a morning and smile. I'm friendly. It's my nature. That's all it was that first time. The second time was the next day and he came in early. I was walking with a coworker, bitching about how I lost my name badge (which is a constant battle for me, I'm so forgetful!). T saw me. We smiled.
The next time I saw him he said he tried to add me on FB... I was creeped out. I didn't know him. I barely add people unless I actually know them. I even joked to L about it. I checked and I didn't see any friend requests. The next time I saw him was a week later. I told him I didn't think he tried to add me, there's someone with a similar name, and to try again. Again I got nothing.
The next day I saw him again. I told him I still had nothing. He said my last name. I told him that was right.
I was creeped out. He knew my last name... How did he find it out before finding me on FB?* I told my friends, family, and L. But just said it was a little creepy.
*He remembered that I had lost my name badge. So he looked at a board that we have posted to get new badges. Which is sweet, in my opinion.
I didn't get anything still.
A few weeks passed until I saw him again. In the meantime L and I fought alot and I felt so alone, our friends had just gone off to college. I missed them and decided I wanted more friends. I wanted my own friends though. L and I had only all mutually close friends. I wanted my own group I had. I started looking. I decided work was a good place for friends. There are no females under 40 on overnights. It was going to have to be guys, which is okay. They were plentiful and within age range to actually be able to relate. I've always been able to connect to guys more anyway. I have more common interests. I'm a 'bro', my friends and coworkers joke. I became friends with one coworker already, Nick. L was okay with that. I decided T was okay to talk to. Because in the meantime he'd come into work early just to help me. He was sweet and we'd talk. We had so many common interests.
I got up the nerve to give him my cell number. I trusted him enough.
So we talked a few weeks via text. L and I grew distant because he started working too and getting meaner. One day L and I fought badly. I wanted out of my house and I felt alone. I texted T asking if he wanted to. It was cute, because he was like, Really??
He was astonished I wanted to ^.^
We went to the local orchard. He was very shy. On the way we talked about L. And his ex B. He still cared for him but she had left him on bad grounds (accusing him of cheating, when he hadn't). She left him to go down to Florida. He said she wanted him to buy her a ticket to come back, but he wasn't sure if he wanted her to come back. I did most of the talking. We fed the petting zoo animals. Then laid in the grass. It was nice. he scooted close to me. I didn't mind. We went in and got apples and food. I paid for it all, as he had given me a ride and I felt bad because he lived in a town 20 miles away. We looked at the furniture in the store upstairs. We talked and laughed a lot. I hadn't giggled that way in so long. We ate caramel apples. I could tell he was attracted to me. It was so very sweet and innocent. I hadn't felt good like that in awhile. On the way back to my house a couple hours later he tried to hold my hand. I said I couldn't I had L. And he had a girlfriend/ex-girlfriend thingy. He wished he had me.
Fuck. I wrote so much and got only so far (not far at all!)
I have to go pick up my roommate for work. Hopefully this gets published by the time I get back? So I can write more...
P.s. It's 2:44 pm. :D
I wish I had started this from the very beginning. So much has happened... And I'm going to forget some and remember it after the fact and have to go back. :(
I used to want marriage and a family. Be it mono or poly.
Now I sorta don't.
T doesn't for sure, B used to.
She said they were talking about marriage... I wish T would talk to me about things like this... That was before me though. Some days I feel like T loves me more. Today not so much. B is getting a lot.
When do I get some?
Could we all live together? I think I'd be happier than this. But I think we'd fight too? Is it too soon?
Marriage would be cool at times. T is too wild for one woman to tame I think. Sometimes I wish he'd want to marry me. Dad thinks we'll end up that way... HA HA HA.
I could like being his wife... well then there's B. Maybe we could not be married but have some ceremony. Would I want all this. Sometimes I do, others I don't.
As for all the things I had written. It doesn't matter now.
It's over. Last night was the worst.
I'm trying to pretend it's okay. I have to be strong for B. I bitched so much about her. I was just so frustrated. It wasn't right. I love her and she's gone through a lot and I've hurt her. I wish she'd move on. She loves me, and I love her. I'm not worth her time though. I hurt her so much.
Last night it was our night all alone. The night before T didn't stay... whatever. Fuck him, I'll get to that. He didn't stay and I instead celebrated L's birthday with him and my roommate Cory.
So the beginning. The day started out well together. My family took me to eat breakfast. We got along well, last week we weren't getting along at all. I tried calling my father last Monday because I was depressed and stressed. He just chastised me instead of comforting me. Thanks dad, kick me while I'm down :) So I was very upset now. So I called my sister to see if i could come sleep on her couch. She was sleeping and said I'd just be a bitch when she needed to wake me... So I hung up my phone and just shut it off. They got worried but I was so upset and I had needed them.
Anyways we got along okay at lunch. So then we went to the mall to get my nephew to take pictures with Santa.
B and T came. I asked B what she wanted for Christmas. She said she wanted me to tell my family about us. I agreed. My family isn't too open about things like this, but they'd been asking questions. I was not caring about how they would treat me, they've been rotten in the past. I said I would. I was so happy. She and I took pictures with Santa. It was so awesome.
T wasn't talking much, being himself. We went and got groceries so B could make us dinner. I talked to B about things I had felt but hid in fear of getting hurt. I asked B if she thought we were going to be a permanent thing. She thought/hoped so. I did too. She asked him. He said yes. I talked to her about how I had been reading about successful poly relationships. Some that even included children. I told her maybe we could all be like that someday because sometimes I wanted children. I knew she did. T didn't want to talk about it in public. We didn't talk to him about the family thing. We talked about how it would be easier for us all if we lived in an apartment together. I wanted this, but feared it being too soon. We'd only be a successful poly couple for a month.
We got to my apartment and she asked T about the apartment idea. He liked it. i was overjoyed. We hung well for awhile. b got upset when we were playing Mario Party though. as she always does. always. He had just mentioned that he remembered something from when he and I had played alone. Period. She's so irrational. So she had a fit. He showered and she checked his phone. She snoops. I fear her finding this even. Sorry B for being mean, just a lot of my frustration lies here. He has cheated on her, many times. I don't blame her. I would too. Especially since he's ruined her trust for him.
She found a picture. She brought me to the bathroom. It was from another girl. Scantily clad. From the day before... The day he was SUPPOSED to be with me. . . Then there was a picture he had taken (no proof he sent it, his outbox was deleted) of himself. Half naked. . . I was hurt. Felt sick. If either of us had done that he'd have been pissed and hurt and left. I couldn't believe him. We, after forever whispering in the bathroom, decided to confront him. He denied it. b did all the talking. I was hiding behind my pillow. I couldn't look at him as he lied to us. He had us both. One is more than some people have. He had two. TWO. TWO weren't enough. He promised multiple times he hadn't done anything. B insisted he had and he finally cracked. B pressured him for where they had met and what the extent of their relationship was. He had met her online and she just randomly texted him a picture and he was shocked. His words. B asked, "So it surprised you, so you saved a picture of a scantily clad girl on your phone???" He said it wasn't a big deal. B tried talking to him. He was sarcastic and laughed. Laughed at our pain. Who could do that? He showed no remorse. We were all so tired. We said so many mean things.
When he laughed I said I hated him and he laughed, probably in disbelief. So I said Fuck you. I think I got to hurting him a bit because he was actually not smiling. I spoke, my voice breaking, tears falling, looking him in the eye. I said how it hurt. That he was like everyone else in my life. Hurting me. He was like every other guy. He didn't deserve B's love. Always she loves him. Even when he's cheated. Like with me. Then bringing me into their relationship. THEIR EXISTING RELATIONSHIP. That I didn't even know about. Then I said we both didn't deserve her. Then she said that he was like L, not caring about hurting me. That hurt him. He broke down a bit. She tried but he clammed up then. I sat the entire time letting her give her attention all to him. Him. her and him. She got quiet giving up some. I tried. I leaned close. Talking to him. It worked a bit. He said he was just an asshole and didn't deserve us, but he was weird with it. But I said I never said those words. I said I was hurt and frustrated because I swore I would never go through this again. I could leave. That I thought he didn't care enough to keep us. B got frustrated I gave him the attention and walked out. I continued talking to him. I was frustrated she walked out because it was getting better.
Okay I'm tired and work soon, with few hours of sleep.
But I fear forgetting some.
Well anyways he said he was truly sorry and hated hurting me and her. He said he did want us. I said this was his only chance. I cuddled up to him. He touched me softly. I loved it. I felt better. I knew I was probably being stupid. That he didn't deserve another chance. I have poor service in my apartment so B and I were texting slowly. I told her not to go. I begged. She said if we really didn't want her to go we would have stopped her. But I was upset she even fucking left. It wasn't right of her. She let her jealousies get the best of her. I hate that. So T and I ended up having sex... whoops. I shouldn't have. I said I couldn't. But we did. We got done and I was finding a towel to clean up. I was naked. B walked in. B knew right away. She went ballistic. She screamed she hated us. She went out the door. I got dressed and tried to cater to him and then before I could go to her she came in. Her arms were cut to hell and back. Nothing serious. Not superficial, but not deep. I looked away. T looked disgusted, shocked. I grabbed the towel. I wrapped it around her arms. She kept yelling we were disgusting, that she hated us. She deserved to for sure.
I deserved it, he did too.
I grabbed her arms. I wrapped them and wouldn't let go. She screamed and demanded I let go. I wouldn't. T didn't do much. He got dressed. I helped stop her arms bleeding and wouldn't let her hit her head against the wall. She yelled she hated living. That she wanted to die.
T didn't do anything still. Not one fucking word. He sat on the edge of the bed after she demanded so. She came over to hit yelled, and slapped him hard. He did deserve it. I stood there. That wasn't my place. I thought she'd turn and hit me too. I wasn't worth that to her.* I wanted to get hit. She didn't. He got up and walked towards the door. She got in his way. He got by. They went into the hall. Maybe I should have? She made me feel excluded with her rage and anger. I feared getting in the way and pissing them both off. I went back and cleaned up some. I finally went into the hall because I heard them getting loud and lots of struggling. There are cameras and I have plenty of neighbors. I feared them getting into trouble. I walked down one flight. I didn't see them, down a flight more, and just heard loud breathing. I just honestly thought maybe it was loud angry makeouts. So I walked back up. I started cleaning up again. Until I heard the front hall door slam. So I went down. I saw B's glasses on the floor. I picked them up on the landing. I walked down. She was getting up from the floor on the main floor. I handed her her glasses. She went out the door. I followed. I couldn't go out, having no shoes. So I just yelled from the doorway that B needed to come back. T was already putting things in his car. He got in. She stood behind the car. I yelled that he would just drive forward. He did. She sat in the snow, no actual coat. I came out to her. No shoes. Walking in the snow. I wanted to show her I did care. But my feet got cold and she wouldn't listen. I went in to get shoes. She was behind me. She went in the bedroom and sat against the wall. I got my first aid kit to take care of her cuts. I did against her will. She called her friend saying she needed help and that she wanted me to get away. I didn't care I needed to care for her wounds. She finally got overwhelmed with crying she gave up on the phone. I finished bandaging her arms. I sat on the bed. She asked for space. I didn't want to leave her alone. Even if that's what she had wanted, I wouldn't do that.
So finally after some time she talked to me. She said she had to go to the bathroom. I went ahead of her and took things out that she could hurt herself with. I made her promise not to hurt herself. She promised. She went. We talked. I got her to take a bath, I sat with her in there. I showered. She kissed me. I didn't feel I deserved it. We slept. He asked for his stuff back. I agreed to give it back.
Well I'm pretty tired. Everything is surreal. We slept little. I'll write more later. I'm working in 5 hours. Giving me only 4 more hours of sleep. It's going to be a bitch working. Life speeds by, even when you'll fallen.
I had to clean blood off my walls earlier, when I woke up. Fuck.
Now she's texting him, still wanting him. By the way when they were shoving each other in the hall... she shoved him against the wall. he pushed her down the stairs.
I still want them. F U C K
crazy love. There's more still.
Sorry it's so scattered and broken. It's hard to piece different emotions at different times together. It's all so messed around.
maybe someday it'll be better. I'll be able to comprehend it better.
Oh my lord, how old are all of you?
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