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-   -   Not sure what is going on? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18143)

OpenandCountry 12-01-2011 05:02 PM

Not sure what is going on?
 
To preface my current situation, my husband and I decided to open up our relationship this year. We made a list of rules, because we wanted an open marriage, not really a poly arrangement. However, I am bipolar, and this summer I had a manic phase (although I know this is not really an excuse, I really felt like I could not help anything I was doing at the time) and I broke almost all of our rules with my current boyfriend and developed deep feelings for him. My husband graciously forgave me, and we decided to give poly a try. I started seeing my boyfriend about five nights a week and was out all the time. My husband got very upset (understandably) and I cut back on visits and am home by a certain time now. I still feel guilty and like a horrible person for breaking all of our rules, but I feel much more stable now and I am really trying to make this work.

That's all good.

I settled into a little routine with the both of them before the holidays, and I thought we were all doing well, they even talked and got along great. Then it became not so great. Things had been going smoothly for me and my boyfriend, and then my husband decided that while my mother in law was up I shouldn't go see my boyfriend, even though I've been better about being home before it gets too late, not going out so much, etc. He says he doesn't understand why I can't just give him a week, and that it's not that he doesn't want me to see my bf, but he just wants us to be "normal" while his mother is here....and my husband feels like I don't care about his feelings or our relationship in this whole ordeal. He also said that he was upset that our arrangement hasn't been working for him at all. After imposing a week-long hiatus, he also told me that I was limited to seeing my bf two times a week, and he asked me why I would need any more time...

My bf and I had an argument, and he said that he doesn't understand why I have to give up even more time with him...and he wonders if next month he'll be rationed to once a week or even less. We've only been dating for about four months, but I really like this guy. I connect with him. I don't even understand why he has put up with me and my mental illness, or my other relationship. I also don't understand why my husband forgave me for breaking all of the rules. I feel like if I even ask him if I can see my bf this week it will be another sign that I don't respect him or his feelings. To top it all off, I am in Masters' school and this is finals/papers/presentations week, and I would really love to see both of my loves this week.

I know I was in the wrong for the way this relationship started, and I've made changes to make it easier for my husband...why does he keep making demands? Am I still doing this wrong?

SNeacail 12-01-2011 06:05 PM

I don't see your husband's request to not see your bf while his mother is in town as unreasonable. Why was this even an issue with you and your bf, it just seems like common courtesy to me, it's only a week? I imagine your husband seeing you resistance to this request as a sign that things are going to return to how things were and a rejection of his needs.

It definitely sounds like he has some needs that aren't being met. Do you go out with dates with your husband or is that just reserved for the bf and the husband just gets boring home stuff? Sit down with your husband and have some serious talks about HIS needs. Work out a new schedule, based on the current situation (this may have to change each month). As I read it, you expect the time with bf to stay the same and it's your husband that must make all the sacrifices when school, work, family or anything else gets in the way - that's extremely selfish on you and your bf's part.

OpenandCountry 12-01-2011 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 113923)
I don't see your husband's request to not see your bf while his mother is in town as unreasonable. Why was this even an issue with you and your bf, it just seems like common courtesy to me, it's only a week? I imagine your husband seeing you resistance to this request as a sign that things are going to return to how things were and a rejection of his needs.

It definitely sounds like he has some needs that aren't being met. Do you go out with dates with your husband or is that just reserved for the bf and the husband just gets boring home stuff? Sit down with your husband and have some serious talks about HIS needs. Work out a new schedule, based on the current situation (this may have to change each month). As I read it, you expect the time with bf to stay the same and it's your husband that must make all the sacrifices when school, work, family or anything else gets in the way - that's extremely selfish on you and your bf's part.

I've agreed to the week-long break. I've talked with my husband to meet his needs better, too. My bf and I probably still have some residual NRE to get over, and I do need to consider my husband's needs more. I just thought I was doing so well...I guess I just got frustrated.

dingedheart 12-01-2011 06:23 PM

Who's idea was it to open up the marriage? And why?

Does your husband have a partner?

You never really thought 5 nights a week might cause friction and trouble ?

Where do you think the break point is? How far can he be pushed?

Do you really like being married?

SNeacail 12-01-2011 06:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OpenandCountry (Post 113927)
I've agreed to the week-long break.

If this was grudgingly agreed to or husband had to fight for it, it might leave some residual bad feelings that you will need to sooth. His request for less time with your bf sounds like he is frustrated and might just have been a knee jerk reaction. Based on your past history, he is likely much more sensitive and fearful of things going back to where they were.

Sometimes a small hiccup can feel like the end of the world because the feelings that were there when things were really bad come back full force. It's not until we get past the small hiccup that we realize that things are much better than before. Those old feelings can be scary.

OpenandCountry 12-01-2011 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 113931)
Who's idea was it to open up the marriage? And why?
-It was his idea to open up the marriage. I was opposed at first because we had a triad a few years ago that ended badly.

Does your husband have a partner?
-no, and this is part of his frustration

You never really thought 5 nights a week might cause friction and trouble ?
-I wasn't thinking then, I have since changed my behavior (I see my boyfriend a few days a week (2-3) and I am home by midnight, and (before this argument happened) I was with both of them for one or two of those days.

Where do you think the break point is? How far can he be pushed?-I know that what I was doing was wrong. I made changes, and I thought we were all okay. I got frustrated because I thought we were all happy, and that I had finally found balance....obviously I was wrong. We have since talked. I gave him this week (it's only a week), and I asked him if we could work on the relationship between all three of us more. I think part of the problem is my mother-in-law...she always makes him feel insecure and unsure of himself, and I feel like he was taking it out on me and my bf. Not that I don't deserve it, I'm just frustrated.

Do you really like being married?
-We were never going to get married, actually. Except for this forum and for practical reasons, I never call him my husband, and he never calls me his wife. We wanted to just live together forever, but we got married for financial/legal reasons. My husband and I are in complete agreement about this. We've even talked about getting divorced when our finances are in order because marriage goes against our belief system.

k

OpenandCountry 12-01-2011 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 113933)
If this was grudgingly agreed to or husband had to fight for it, it might leave some residual bad feelings that you will need to sooth. His request for less time with your bf sounds like he is frustrated and might just have been a knee jerk reaction. Based on your past history, he is likely much more sensitive and fearful of things going back to where they were.

Sometimes a small hiccup can feel like the end of the world because the feelings that were there when things were really bad come back full force. It's not until we get past the small hiccup that we realize that things are much better than before. Those old feelings can be scary.

My husband and I have talked. It's funny that you use the word hiccup...he called it a "bump in the road" ...I love him, I really do. I have no idea how he has put up with all of my BS. I think right now we are all three stressed out (me=work, hubby=family, bf=work)...if I look at it that way, it's a wonder how this didn't blow up even more.

nycindie 12-01-2011 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OpenandCountry (Post 113935)
I gave him this week (it's only a week), and I asked him if we could work on the relationship between all three of us more. I think part of the problem is my mother-in-law...she always makes him feel insecure and unsure of himself...

Well, then, wouldn't you naturally want to stand beside him, to nurture and support him when she's around? Sounds like a time when he needs his partner. I think you and your bf need to be a little more flexible.

OpenandCountry 12-01-2011 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 113940)
Well, then, wouldn't you naturally want to stand beside him, to nurture and support him when she's around? Sounds like a time when he needs his partner. I think you and your bf need to be a little more flexible.

I know. we will. Thanks for your insight. I can always count on this forum to bring me back to earth.

dingedheart 12-01-2011 08:05 PM

maybe look at this as your husband paying forward (5 nights week) now is a chance to give some time back.... just a different way of looking at it.


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