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-   -   When does poly get the blame? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18137)

dingedheart 12-01-2011 04:09 PM

When does poly get the blame?
 
I've read on several threads in which the relationship(s) collapse don't blame poly...or the problem wasn't poly it was bad communications, or the lies and dishonesty. In my own situation people have said similar things and I wouldn't argue it at all but it seems like when it works it gets the credit..."best thing that we ever did" ..."we are so so much closer now..... and I'm so much happier now and partner is happy that I'm happy ..its just a big ball of loving happiness ... its a win win win ".

And when it fails it was the bad communication skills, the dishonesty, the cheating, deep marital issue from years earlier that were never properly dealt with, Someone being inflexible, not willing to "do the work" .. to go to therapy and work on their issues with the new dynamic, etc, etc. The concept never blamed .

Or is this a case of everyone dies of heart failure.

Has anyone seen a situation in which they could blame poly for the break up of a relationship? I don't think I've seen that yet.

SNeacail 12-01-2011 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 113896)
it seems like when it works it gets the credit..."best thing that we ever did" ..."we are so so much closer now..... and I'm so much happier now and partner is happy that I'm happy ..its just a big ball of loving happiness ... its a win win win ".

I wouldn't necessarily give poly the credit. As I see it, the statements above are likely due to the fact that the couple are BOTH putting in extra time and effort to make their relationship work. They are paying attention to each others needs and sensitivities, not just to get something in return, but because the relationship is worth it. The couple will talk/communicate more, make the effort to schedule more time together, make the effort to calm each others insecurities, etc.

Just as poly can be the "straw that breaks" a marriage, it can also be the catalyst for each partner to "make the extra effort".

kamala 12-01-2011 05:08 PM

My current boyfriend ended a relationship with his girlfriend of 4 years because he wanted to explore poly and she couldn't/wouldn't. They were good in most other respects, it really was the start of the poly idea that was the beginning of the end, and they both seem to think so...

But, I don't know. Do people ever blame monogamy as a concept when their relationship fails?

How do you separate out the concept from the people practicing it, or attempting to? I guess for them two you could say it was the poly concept to "blame" but really if you look closer, they had fundamentally different ideas about freedom, about obligation etc that probably would have manifested in some other way had he decided poly was something he didn't want.

I'm just thinking about it now... what would that even mean, blaming poly alone as some abstract concept? So, you try something new in your relationship, you love it or hate it, then essentially what happens next is actually all about communication, honesty etc. What else is there?

As far as I see it, relationships work when good people get together and commit to treating each other well. The details of how that's organized seem secondary, so I would imagine that blaming poly would also be a symptomatic thing.

Or, of course, life just goes on and relationships end :p

AnnabelMore 12-01-2011 05:33 PM

Poly and mono are both ways of having loving relationships. For some people, the structure really is the problem because they're just not cut out to do it any other way, and that can cut in both directions. But even then, the problem is not the structure itself, the problem is the pitfalls of trying to get someone to accept something that just fundamentally clashes with how they find their happiness. Like if I absolutely cannot deal with my partner seeing anyone else and she absolutely cannot deal with only seeing me so we split up, is monogamy to blame? Is polyamory? No, we were just incompatible in that respect.

People lie and manipulate and make mistakes within both structures and, again, it's not the structures that are to blame. Poly can spur some people to become more honest and more happy and can spur others to become dysfunctional... and so can monogamy. It all depends on who you are. I put it all on the individuals involved to recognize what works for them.

MindfulAgony 12-01-2011 07:36 PM

I agree with what has been said before me. Looking at polyamory or monogamy as the problem misses the real issue.

The challenge is finding a way of relating and loving that is compatible with our needs, desires, etc. Incompatibilities exist and relationships end. Mistakes are made and relationships end. Those incmpatibilities or mistakes may rub up against the "expectations and understandings" of a particular form. But, are the forms themselves "to blame?" These things happen irrespective of relationship form.

The real issues are deeper.

neegoola 12-02-2011 08:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MindfulAgony (Post 113947)
The real issues are deeper.

i agree and i see the same happening whenever the terms are straight or gay, not only mono or poly.

BTW blaming poly way of living IMO is like blaming nakedness for its existance.

dingedheart 12-02-2011 03:03 PM

The thought or question was born from comments written here many times. I guess to distill it further : the decision to try poly...similar to a standard monogamous marriage contract. It has been said here many times " I read this book and I think I'm poly and I need help in telling my spouse because I'm afraid it will end my marriage. Or the pursuit of this lifestyle will end my marriage. AND it has over and over. Is that just standard rollover or an additional stressor.


So if the converse happened. Two people who had been in numinous poly tangles and for whatever reason they find each other and "decide" to be monogamous FOREVER, its LOVE:D... marriage contract/vows blessings by the Pope. It was a beautiful affair but 5-7 yrs in it fails. :( Was it the communication ...lies. etc. etc

MindfulAgony 12-03-2011 02:34 AM

I think it's still the same response.

People may try something out and find it doesn't suit them, their preferences, predilections, etc. Or find that it brings out their worst behaviors, fears, and or tendances... Regardless, it's about fit or about behavior... the relationship form is just the vehicle through which the drama played out.

This is how I think of my experience with monogamy. But, it's not monogamy's "fault." Instead, it's the particular match between my own sets of abilities, preferences and neurosis that made it not particularly suitable.

In a more general sense, what I do fault is the lack of widespread awareness and acceptance of a broader set of choices. Not having (or not perceiving that I have) a choice of relationship style was to blame; not being supported in finding the right relationship form that best suited my and my partner(s) personality, preferences etc. and being able to "re-choose" at any time (because things change) would be the culprit to blame as "at fault."

Minxxa 12-03-2011 04:32 AM

I think it all just comes down to how you behave in relationships. If you are a selfish person who has no empathy and doesn't take other people's feelings into consideration, you're going to have problematic relationships whether you are polyamorous or monogamous.

If you are a caring person who takes care of yourself but also cares about those who you are involved with, if you express empathy and are trustworthy and can communicate well, or at least attempt-- you will most likely have rewarding relationships either way as well.

After that it all just depends on how well you choose your partners to match the type of relationship you want to have...

neegoola 12-03-2011 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MindfulAgony (Post 114192)
the relationship form is just the vehicle through which the drama played out.

But, it's not monogamy's "fault." Instead, it's the particular match between my own sets of abilities, preferences and neurosis that made it not particularly suitable.

what I do fault is the lack of widespread awareness and acceptance

ok, we go through what we need to "grow up" within our precious re-newal so that symptons and signals get the same "weight" and it's definitely up to us to chose from within our awarness and Presence;..but i wanted to add that neurosis in particular is brought up whenever sourroundings force us to deny ourselves what's natural that we would reach; it's obviously more difficult being Present when "associations" are confused with someone less "alert" than we are*.
usually i don't like the word "blame" 'cause i balance more on responsability and awareness in counsciousness (?! ehm, i chose the right words, i hope..), but we may not deny that every effect comes from one/more cause, inner or external; about "mariage" and sex we know that the most part of neurosis comes from a thousands years imposed external institution. and we still deal with it sooo much!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Minxxa (Post 114196)
After that it all just depends on how well you choose your partners to match the type of relationship you want to have...

*yes, do we want to say it's also about "personal structure" and/or karma?!
hi, minxxa, happy we met :)


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