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-   -   First 'date' & mixed feelings (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18136)

morrisslig 12-01-2011 04:08 PM

First 'date' & mixed feelings
 
I don't know where to begin, but from the top seems best I suppose.

I am married to a wonderful woman who recently has agreed to open up our marriage of 5 years. There has been a guy (B) on the horizon for the last year or so that has been of interest to me but the timing was never right. I noticed him staring at me every time we would go by and get something (he is in the service industry). Unfortunately we knew his boss and family quite well and this last year we got to know them better through a contract we did for them. Well B was relentless in getting my attention but without saying anything due to people always being around. So I think I have spoken to him about three times since knowing him, but by God I have never felt like this for any man before.

I would find myself daydreaming and even dreaming about him, something of which was foreign to me as I never recognize anyone in my dreams. My wife knew there was an attraction there and could see it was being reciprocated.

My wife knew I had been in a open relationship prior to being with her and that it was the safest I have ever felt in that dynamic. So we had many talks, many arguments and some tears along the way figuring out what this meant to us and our standing as a couple.

Well cut to now, well yesterday actually. She went down and directly asked him if he wanted to go out with us this weekend. He said yes and took our number. My wife will leave the two of us to get to know each other if he can make it and we will take it from there. This is where I start to feel weird I suppose. I never in a million years thought he would say yes. I don't even know if he knows we are married or thinks we are just friends (everyone calls us 'the girls').

I should be feeling excited, but I am just riddled with nerves. My wife wants to have sex with me more than ever and I know why and understand that but I have so much on my mind right now that the thought of being intimate with anyone is impossible. I feel selfish and I have a sinking feeling that my 'greed' will bite me in the bum somehow. I don't feel like I deserve anyone let alone two people. But I know I want a family and children in the future, something of which she is dragging her heels on, which is fine as she is younger than me.

I don't know what I am looking for in advice other than some fresh insight into what seems a messy situation yet in written word it seems quite straight forward.

Thanks for reading, I am not the best at formatting and tend to jump from one thought to another!

nycindie 12-01-2011 06:41 PM

Okay, breathe, and don't put the cart before the horse! It's just dinner (or whatever you'll be doing)! Have a conversation with the guy, see if there's any connection. You might not even feel compatible, but you won't know until you all talk and learn a bit about each other. He might be dumb as wood when he opens his mouth, or perfect for you in every way - who knows. Fine to fantasize about someone hot, but before you know him, it's way too early to worry about sex and babies, LOL.

dingedheart 12-01-2011 06:44 PM

What gender are you ?

With your wife asking this guy out has she set up some threeway expectations for him?

morrisslig 12-01-2011 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 113937)
What gender are you ?

With your wife asking this guy out has she set up some threeway expectations for him?

I am female.

No he has no interest in her and she has absolutely no interest in men whatsoever.

redpepper 12-01-2011 11:27 PM

My philosophy has always been that everyone deserves the best in life and with that the most satisfying relationships. I treat myself the best I can and others the best I can. I deserve much love in my life in any form and so do you. Life is abundant if we choose iot to be. There is nothing greedy about it and nothing to feel guilty about if you are giving back what you receive.

If I were you, regardless of the out come, I would be treating that wife of yours like a queen right now. She is giving you a huge gift by being open and helpful in promoting and sponsoring your possible relationship with this man. That is something worth being grateful for, not guilty and feeling greedy about. Being grateful and appreciatative sends the message to her that her gift was well received. Acting like you are greedy and not worthy takes away her joy in giving to you.

If it works out, then great, but at the very least I hope its a fun and interesting time out with a new friend.

morrisslig 12-01-2011 11:44 PM

Thank you both nycindie and redpepper for your thoughtful responses.
I am breathing nycindie and taking it oh so slow! This has been an issue, I don't like the word issue, a situation then for a few years now so neither of us has gone into this with our blinders on.

I am giving my wife as much attention and hugs and talks as she needs and more besides. We both know that the next couple of months we have to let go of the death grip we have on our relationship as we are slowly getting throttled and it doesn't feel healthy.

I have given her permission to seek a companion that can provide for her things that I am not comfortable doing. We will continue to talk about this as we got together so young and I don't want her to turn around down the line and regret not being with other people either emotionally/sexually. I have regrets from being in a long term relationship (not this relationship) from the age of 16 and I wished I had listened to people around me saying you are only young once.

With regards to feeling guilty I was going to type that it was Catholic guilt in my OP and funny enough as I was talking about this thread today my wife said the same thing!

I will ask another question which I am sure will pop up if the meeting/date goes ahead. What do I say if he asks what my situation is without freaking the guy out or making me sound like I want everything and everyone?
I don't want to skirt around our situation but I don't want this getting back to his boss/our friend if it doesn't pan out or he has ulterior motives.

MeeraReed 12-02-2011 04:15 AM

Um...what do you mean by "ulterior motives"?

Do you mean you'll be hurt if the guy mainly wants a sexual relationship (or even just one sexual encounter)?

Because it kind of sounds like this guy thinks you're hot and maybe knows you're gay and thinks that's hot too.

Which all sounds great to me, but I don't have Catholic guilt!

Don't overthink things. Go on the date, get to the know guy, explain your situation and what you want, ask him what he wants.

I've heard that a lot of sex is a pretty good cure for Catholic guilt :)

Count yourself lucky that you are with a woman who thinks it's awesome that other people find you hot. Enjoy it! You really don't have a problem here as far as I can tell.

AnnabelMore 12-02-2011 05:04 AM

Be honest with him right from the start. No one likes feeling like they've been deceived. Just say, "Hey, you seem like a cool guy and I'd like to see where this goes. You should know, I have a partner, X, she and I have been together for __ years. We just recently decided to open up our relationship, she actually encouraged me to get to know you better." Then answer any questions and clear up any misconceptions from there.

SchrodingersCat 12-02-2011 06:24 AM

Sounds like the beginning of something that could be wonderful!

Just a word of caution, make sure you clear up any issues in your marriage before getting serious with someone else. Depending on the nature of the needs that you cannot satisfy for your wife, getting them fulfilled elsewhere may not work. i.e. if they're emotional needs or responsibility type things. If they're sexual, that can be a different story.

My husband and I have a very mutually satisfying sex life, but there are some sexual activities that I'm just not interested in, so he does those with other people when the mood and timing work out. But sometimes I have emotional needs that can't be fulfilled outside the marriage, i.e. needing to feel that he supports me and that I can rely on him when I need to.

morrisslig 12-02-2011 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 114034)
Sounds like the beginning of something that could be wonderful!

Just a word of caution, make sure you clear up any issues in your marriage before getting serious with someone else. Depending on the nature of the needs that you cannot satisfy for your wife, getting them fulfilled elsewhere may not work. i.e. if they're emotional needs or responsibility type things. If they're sexual, that can be a different story.

My husband and I have a very mutually satisfying sex life, but there are some sexual activities that I'm just not interested in, so he does those with other people when the mood and timing work out. But sometimes I have emotional needs that can't be fulfilled outside the marriage, i.e. needing to feel that he supports me and that I can rely on him when I need to.

Same situation here, we have great sex but there are somethings I am not comfortable with sexually that I don't want her to do without.

AnnabelMore that is a great way to put it. Thank you.

Meerareed, I won't be hurt if he just wants to bang to put it bluntly but I would be hurt if he wants to bang and then spread the news. That would be damaging to our relationship with his boss.

If he was just some guy that we met without any connection to anyone a lot of my fears would disappear, but that is not the case so we have to tread carefully as we don't know his intentions yet.

So I will update here after the weekend to let you know how it goes and once again thanks for all the advice.


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