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-   -   Fears of loss in a Mono/Poly relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=181)

MonoVCPHG 04-24-2009 05:13 PM

Fears of loss in a Mono/Poly relationship
I recently posted a long article on my experience so far in engaging in a polyamorous relationship although I am monogamous. I promise this one will not be so long!!

I included the following statement which I spoke to my partner/girlfriend about after.
"Above all, never feel like the polyamorous person has any less to lose than you."

Yes, I will definitely feel a certain loss when she adds a new lover or sex partner..oddly enough, primarily if they are male, and I do apply different "labels" to different types of relations because it helps me mentally organize. (but that is another post!) I always tell myself she will find someone so I am better prepared whether it happens or not. Again this is a tool I use regardless if it is viewed as healthy or not.

I understand the ability to love and desire another person similarly without a reduction for others. I wouldn't be able to look at her husband without guilt if I did not. I entered this relationship with a complete knowledge of who was involved and in what way. I am the "new guy" in my mind. It is the unknown of another "new guy" that will be my challenge..one that I will face head on and with understanding but certainly not without difficulty. I know my weaknesses which will enable me to draw on her, her husband and my own internal strength to overcome them and grow. At least that is what I foresee happening.

Back to my point
I will first deal with loss in the relationship if/when she finds someone else.I will feel loss, most definitely at least for a while until I am again secure in her genuine love and continued desire for me. Will an aspect of our dynamic change? I could lie to myself and say I know it won't but that is not the path to a sustainment of this amazing relationship. Initially - for sure. Permanently..perhaps. She will feel it, see it. I am an open book and she knows when I withdrawal my energy while I process. Does that mean the intimacy of out relationship will end? Absolutely not, not unless I can't handle it. She will love and desire me the same, just like she does for her husband. She will probably love us both more...a concept I struggle with as well. We will grow and she will be happy which is paramount to me.

What if I find someone else? I am intimately monogamous. Not by choice, moral or social requirement. I am monogamous because it is my nature. I require a very specific connection to truly desire someone. My physical passion is directly proportionate to my level of connection and intimate love. I only feel that intimate love for one person at a time, which has been proven throughout my life. I don't want to intimately love more than one person although I would welcome a change in my nature if it meant my life would be easier in a polyamorous relationship. Yes, I would love to be polyamorous or even just have a much more casual approach to sex so I could be more at ease, better blend with the amazing people around, me and just have fun. Who knows..maybe in the future but that is not my reality for now...sadness.

If I form another intimate connection tomorrow it will be at the expense of the one I have right now. In giving intimacy I am all or nothing. Simple and plain. I would no longer be this amazing persons lover or even playmate. I would not be able to share that energy with another unless I take it away from her. She would continue to be my most trusted friend but I would deny her my passion and intimate love. Would this be a malicious act towards her? Absolutely not! Just as her taking on a new partner would not be a malicious act towards me. It would simply be accepting and acting on our fundamental natures. Denial of one's nature is a terrible road to travel as I have been there. Pain is always the result.

So who would lose more is a question of definites. I might experience a decrease of her intimate attention and perceive she loves me less..she would lose all of my intimate attention and although my love would still be immense it would be re-shaped..that is definite.

I said I would keep this short...I tried.

CDarklock 04-24-2009 05:28 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 577)
I would not be able to share that energy with another unless I take it away from her.

I find this a tremendous fallacy.

If you have children with a woman, do you love the woman less for loving the child? I don't think so. Been there, done that, I love her the more for it and I love the child with all my heart.

If you have another child, do you love your first child less for this one? I don't think so. Been there, done that, I love my wife and both my children with all my heart.

And now that I have a new lover in my life, someone I also love with all my heart, is it so hard to believe that I still love my wife and both my children with all my heart as well?

If so... what is the difference?

MonoVCPHG 04-24-2009 05:38 PM

CDarklock - thanks for your comment and I totally respect your view. I have learned to accept that people view things much differently. You have to understand that this post is about me specifically and what goes through my mind and heart. Another monogamous person in the same situation might have a completely different outlook. I accept that as truth.

As an example, some people can aproach sex simply as a fun activity that can be very intense and energy filled. I certainly did until I tried it from that perspective. It didn't work for me..the key is it didn't work "for me".

Thanks again and take care.

CDarklock 04-24-2009 05:50 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 580)
You have to understand that this post is about me specifically and what goes through my mind and heart.

Yes, I do. I just don't understand why this is what goes through your mind and heart. Could you explain more?

After all, I also respect your view. :)

MonoVCPHG 04-24-2009 06:07 PM

I'll have to spend some time processing why..as I don't know..it just does. I was married for 16 good years although a loss of connection did cause issues at times, so I definitely know I am intimately focussed on one person at a time. I'll have to think about this and, given more time, honour your question with a better answer.

Thanks again.

CDarklock 04-24-2009 07:38 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 584)
I definitely know I am intimately focussed on one person at a time.

Let me pass along a little trial I'm facing right now, which is pretty closely related.

I have never had to sit in the same room with more than one woman I loved with all my heart. Over the past two weeks, I've done that several times, and I don't know what the hell to do. I can only kiss one of them at a time. I can only hug one of them at a time. And, what with having only one penis... well, you get the idea.

I don't know how to be completely and totally devoted to two people in the same room. I'm at an absolute loss. How does that work? What should I do? I hear so many women say "he kissed her but he didn't kiss me" or "he kissed her better than he kissed me" - and that's frequently a prelude to "it didn't work and we broke up and I hate him".

I don't have any problem going into a room with one person and being completely involved with that person, not even thinking about anyone else. I can love several people with all my heart. I can have two children in the same room, and love them like a parent, and both of them know I love them with all my heart. But I just don't know how to do it with women. (Or with men, for that matter. It's not a sexual or intimate thing. I don't really know how to balance my friends, either.)

So maybe I'm thinking of your issue differently. Maybe we both have the same one. After all, I can only really kiss one woman at a time, right? So can you. Is that where you see the problem? Not the love and affection itself, but the actual demonstration of it?

MonoVCPHG 04-24-2009 10:48 PM

My girlfriend would be a much better person to answer this..and probably will! I am her secondary and essentially she is the focal point of a "V" between me and her husband. I don't have the issue you have as I only have intimate love for her. She is more closely in your position as we are often all together and ocasionally there is another friend of hers and his as well.

I do my best to respect all of us and although the affection is there I interact more like a close friend in those situations. I have zero issue with jealousy towards her husband and although I am completely comfortable with them showing affection towards each other I do not expect open affection to be displayed to me. We have our own and very private times for that. In fact I probably shy away from displays in a teasing and humorous way. My favourite expression is "you are going to get me in trouble"!

I believe she has read your reply and will post a response herself. She has an infinite capacity for love and doesn't get my inability to intimately love more than one person either. Oh the sweet challenges we face..but we do it together..all three of us!
Thanks for the discussion.

redpepper 04-27-2009 05:55 AM

my two cents
I have finally had a chance to add my thoughts to your link as monoVCPHG's girlfriend (seems such a small word in light of my huge love for you!).

I have to say I love that you are all mine and that I have no challenges to face in the future if you were to bring another woman into your life that I am to share you with. This is a real treat to not have to deal with that. however... what I do deal with is the fact that if you were to find someone new then I would be tossed aside and made to watch you fall in love again... knowing that I am just your friend. Albeit an important one, still, no longer to have the closeness I desire to have with you. The jury is still out on whether or not this thought is worse or better than the other... I really try to just avoid it altogether actually.

I have heard the "you love all your children so why not love more than one person" theory before and I can't say I see how it relates to poly. I can see how it is the closest thing for some to explaining it, but it is not how I feel. For me it is more easily explained in terms of having more than one friend that fills a different need. I have friends that I like to exercise with, others that I like to have coffee with and talk about my relationships with, others about their relationships... I have friends that I have in my life like a comfortable pair of old jeans that I have loved forever and ones that I just got like this seasons fashion trend. My child fills a very different place in my heart. Perhaps if I had more than one I would get it more.

In regards to the gentleman with the two ladies in the same room that you don't know what to do with? hmmm.... they seem a tad selfish if they are unable to give you space and have compersion for the other. I wonder about the details of this situation and the details of your relationship to both of them. Is one your primary and the other the secondary for example?

I find in my "V" that I spend most of my time backing away and allowing my men to spend our group time together. I love watching them talk and joke around. Sometimes I get a kiss from my husband as he is my primary and I feel as if my secondary enjoys seeing the affection and love he has for me. Sometimes I sneak kisses and hugs to my secondary (making him squirm I might add) knowing that my primary will not mind and in fact enjoys seeing me sharing love and affection also. It's a work in progress I think. I would like to think that we are in a traid as I know that my two favorite lovers are friends, becoming more and more bonded. They may never be sexual with one another, but their relationship success is paramount to our greater success in making this work. Without their friendship I could not be happy and not be able to continue to be a part of this family we have created. I would have some very hard decisions to make indeed.

MonoVCPHG 04-27-2009 06:25 AM

Girlfriend is a very small word indeed! I wish there was a better one..hmm I'll have to think about that, Lover.

I will now step back so others can focus on you input reference the sharing of partners in a group. I'll chat with you about other concerns tomorrow! I love you immensely!

yoxi 04-27-2009 08:16 AM

Redpepper, I can relate to "For me it is more easily explained in terms of having more than one friend that fills a different need." When people ask me whether I believe in soulmates, I say: sure, I think everyone can have several :) - and they don't have to be lovers to be soulmates (whatever the hell that means to each of us).

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