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-   -   Dating (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18091)

IsntLifeFun 12-01-2011 01:41 AM

Dating
 
Not quite sure how to go about this... There's me, Lynn, and Steve in a V. Lynn's the hinge & married to Steve. Steve would like to find a girlfriend, and that is open to the possibility of joining the three of us for the occasional group sex.
Any advice or tips on how not to freak out people when dating? Should he wear his wedding ring or take it off? Should he say that he is married but his wife has a boyfriend and is ok with him dating? I'm sure you understand.
Thanks :)

AutumnalTone 12-01-2011 02:05 AM

I'd say he should worry about meeting new potential partners and finding a spark with one before he worries much about the rest. It's only when a potential partner is actually showing interest that any of it matters.

Then it's time to point out that he's polyamorous. It doesn't seem to really matter whether he mentions that he's married or poly first, as long as he's honest about his interest and honest about his situation rather early in interactions. Not that he should dump that on somebody before they're even convinced that they're interested in getting to know him better; it's a balancing act to avoid scaring somebody off prior to them getting strongly interested and leading them on for a length of time without fully informing them.

AnnabelMore 12-01-2011 02:09 AM

Agreed with AT. Also wanna say I'd be creeped out if I felt like sex with his other partners was a requirement of dating him. It's fine to want it, but if it's a condition that's a little weird.

Magdlyn 12-01-2011 12:05 PM

To find a gf who is into the idea of sex with 3 relative strangers... find one who has had group sex experience already, and is open minded/kinky in general. There is absolutely no guarantee she will be attracted to everyone in your V, however. All the stars have to be aligned and conditions just right. Group sex where one or more of the participants feels the least bit pressured or coerced is a recipe for disaster down the road.

Steve should plan to date her a good while, just for her and for "love," before expecting anything more in the sex department. Having an ulterior motive is kinda icky, imo. Sometimes metamours don't even meet for months, much less hop in the sack with them!

vanille 12-01-2011 01:11 PM

I don't like the idea of wedding rings. I don't wear mine anymore. I feel like it's a sign of ownership. I know many will disagree and will say it's a sign of their love. But I feel like people who wear it are instantly judged by potential suitors and may not get the chance to explain.

I'm a woman and very concerned about the intentions (especially the historical) of marriage and ownership.

IsntLifeFun 12-01-2011 01:43 PM

Thank you for your input. I realized I put some emphasis on the sex part of it- I misrepresented that aspect. Sex is not necessary as a part of our relationship -at all. If he finds someone that he clicks with, and hopefully all of us click with, then so much the better. If she is or isn't interested in sex with some or all of us, doesn't really matter, but I wouldn't want someone to be scared off by knowing what's going on and it's possibilities.
Of course we're all for honesty, but you know that being too honest too fast can be a bad thing. We're still learning how to tiptoe.

Magdlyn 12-01-2011 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IsntLifeFun (Post 113874)
Thank you for your input. I realized I put some emphasis on the sex part of it- I misrepresented that aspect. Sex is not necessary as a part of our relationship -at all. If he finds someone that he clicks with, and hopefully all of us click with, then so much the better. If she is or isn't interested in sex with some or all of us, doesn't really matter, but I wouldn't want someone to be scared off by knowing what's going on and it's possibilities.
Of course we're all for honesty, but you know that being too honest too fast can be a bad thing. We're still learning how to tiptoe.


I am not in that camp. I state I am non-mono in my okcupid dating profile. Get it right up front. I get lots of compliments on my forthrightness and honesty. If someone can't deal with that right up front, they are not worth the time put into the tiresome first date. I am only Ms Right for people that can deal with polyamory.

nycindie 12-01-2011 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IsntLifeFun (Post 113874)
If he finds someone that he clicks with, and hopefully all of us click with, then so much the better. If she is or isn't interested in sex with some or all of us, doesn't really matter, but I wouldn't want someone to be scared off by knowing what's going on and it's possibilities.

Well, it would be his relationship so let him worry about it.

I think it's fine that you came here to ask for tips to pass along to him, but... I think this thread is getting a bit weird if it's all speculation on how and who your metamour dates and what your hopes for that person are. Seems a little controlling. I mean, he might find someone who makes him happy but doesn't want much interaction with either of you. Does he know about this forum? Maybe he should be asking the questions.

IsntLifeFun 12-01-2011 08:25 PM

Thanks again.
Does he know about this forum? IDK. Am I being conntrolling? No, because I haven't brought any of this (forum thread) up to him. But I like to speculate on the possibilities and to be prepared for contigincies if something comes up. I know he wants to find someone because we've talked about it. I had brought up to him how to go about introducing people to polyamory. He's all for the honest approach right from the beginning, which I agree with, but I just want to know what hurdles any of you here have had to cross in similar situations.
I think he'd appreciate the comments you (all) have left. I'll have to remember to introduce him to this site this weekend.

Tonberry 12-01-2011 11:46 PM

I don't think wedding rings should be compulsory in a marriage, however if he normally wears one, I don't think he should remove it. That's what cheaters do. If he wants someone who is willing to join you, he needs them to know about you. Plus, I would feel terrible if I started a relationship with someone who had a partner and didn't tell me, even if the partner was fine with it. At that point, it's cheating on the new partner.

It does make it hard to find people, but you want someone who will be fine with the situation anyways, so having them be warned upfront is probably a good idea.


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