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-   -   The Rare Life (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1809)

Rarechild 12-23-2009 05:27 PM

The Rare Life
I've been wanting to write to you all about what's been happening w/ Catfish and I for a couple of weeks, but I think I needed to process more with him first before I reached out.

The time has come for the the real life test of how I will deal with Catfish having a special relationship with someone else.

I have had a couple of experiences that are pretty low key, one online with a man in the desert in California(S), one with someone more local that I've known for years that didn't really go beyond reaffirmation of friendship(J). I also carry on a very close emotional relationship on the phone with a friend of both of ours who has moved to Arizona, but he and I have not talked about the romantic element of our relationship, though we have finally had a couple of conversations about poly recently, one last night, because I really needed to talk about this:

I am going to try to just state the facts here because there has been so much conversation and so many ups and downs and madly beating hearts the last couple of weeks.

(OMG it feels so good to be writing what I want to write! Just finished the semester yesterday)

I'm going to preface this with the fact that overall, Catfish's connection to this woman, K, has overall been positive. Right now I feel good. I feel trusting/trusted, respected, loved, sexually gratified-all the good stuff. But I must admit I'm still scared.

K and Catfish have been friends for 10 years. When I moved out of the house last winter, before Catfish and I opened our relationship to poly, K and C were talking a lot. There were definitely feeling between the two of them, getting closer at a time when C and I were at an impasse in our relationship. At the time, I was very angry about this, as I was about most things then. When I called him out he denied it. She acted like she didn't know what I was going on about. C and I fought over this.

Cut to two months ago, C and I talk about relationships that we currently have that have potential to be freed in some way. K is the first person on C's list. Not a big surprise, I probably initiated that discussion myself. I have come to dislike doing anything that implies that I own C in any way, and my thinking on K is that I can't deny that the two of them have a special bond. Why would I? That would only serve to perpetuate anger, resentment, and intensify the forbidden fruit thing they had going on.

So C brought it up to K. Lots of messages back and forth, between all of us, tons of conversations, love sessions between C and I, and caring gestures later and we're all three planning to get together in the next week or so.

I have powered through my very real insecurities, jealousy, and mistrust of K because of my anger towards she and C in the past for being cagey with me, with the following rule: I can feel any feeling I have in my body and mind, but I can't use anger, manipulation, or ownership/power plays to express it internally or externally.

It's hard to lack those devices to cope. I have by no means conquered my fears about this particular woman, but here are some positive things that have come of this so far, and I really can't qualify any real negative things that have had no value to me.

C and I have been so close through this, discovered deeper trust, had great sex, supported each other, laughed. Been strong.

K and I finally get to settle the score, whether or not I'm the only with a score to settle. :) I was hurt in the past not only because C was evasive with his feelings, but because when I met K, we really got along, hit on each other even, and then suddenly we were rivals. K and I have a lot in common. I am actually really looking forward to getting to know her.

For one flash-bulb moment the other day, I felt total compersion. C was beaming, getting so much attention and kindness from two amazing women just made him beautific. It was infectious.

Friends, I welcome your questions and comments. This has been so hard but rewarding as all hell so far. I am still afraid but I feel brave.

:) Last night I had a poly dream, don't remember it clearly but I was wearing different pretty dresses, going in and out of rooms, embracing people, and I went out into the street- looked like Manhattan- J was standing there with his family and it was a surprise and he picked me up around the waist and just hugged me for a long time. I woke up feeling deeply loved.

GroundedSpirit 12-23-2009 09:04 PM

Nice !
HI Rarechild,

Wow - happy holidays ! Seems like it has potential to be a good one for you.
I think it's important to keep in mind that probably a majority of people right now that find themselves in poly situations have gotten there by the steep trail. Let's face it, it's not a lovestyle thats commonly know and discussed in the public (yet). So most of seem to hit the water sideways getting in but the real test of character off all involved seems to shine through in enough cases to float the whole theory of possibility.
It would be awesome if everyone knew of these potentialities at age 17 and could enter in less dramatic ways but that just doesn't seem to be where our culture is at yet. But when you have truly loving kind people sometimes you can wipe up the blood and move forward like it was all planned from the beginning :0
I hope that happens to you guys !


MonoVCPHG 12-24-2009 02:31 AM

Thanks for sharing Rarechild....you are both very lucky :)
Peace and Love

Catfish 12-24-2009 03:42 AM


Originally Posted by Rarechild (Post 16678)

...doesn't begin to describe it.

p.s. I love that you correct your own spelling mistakes

constlady 12-24-2009 04:25 AM


For one flash-bulb moment the other day, I felt total compersion. C was beaming, getting so much attention and kindness from two amazing women just made him beautific. It was infectious.
And these moments are what makes all the rest worth going through!

greenearthal 12-24-2009 07:37 AM

Thanks for the share.

Congratulations on finishing the semester.

I do believe that in the end all of these struggles are well worth it.

redpepper 12-24-2009 08:30 AM

good to catch up with you :) thanks for that....


Rarechild 12-27-2009 05:27 PM


Originally Posted by Rarechild (Post 16678)
I can feel any feeling I have in my body and mind, but I can't use anger, manipulation, or ownership/power plays to express it internally or externally.

I needed to read this again. Today's the day.

Fidelia 12-31-2009 02:24 PM

Wow! How exciting!

Thanks for opening up to all of us and sharing this beautiful/scary/wonderful moment in you life.


Rarechild 12-31-2009 03:09 PM

She is great. We are great. We took the drive together 2.5 hours to her home and she was so wonderful and sincere and gracious. We didn't actually talk about anything poly-related, though there were some kind of funny metaphor conversations that happened around her dog, who was being very protective of her and looking to her for permission to be pet by us. :)

We ate and drank wine and she and I got to know each other, while Catfish stayed mostly in the background beaming. I can really see why C is attracted to her- I found I am as well, and she is very easy to be affectionate with. Both she and I were so relieved to be able to look each other in the eye, to hug, to smile at each other and show each other kindness.

I had an extra glass of wine with her at her urging before we left because she wanted us to stay, and that may have had a little to do with my emotional outpouring on the way home. I cried like a baby. The thing that struck me the most was that going in to this, I had lots of old feelings of jealousy about her and C's friendship, and I guess I expected to find some kind of fault with her to hold on the last vestiges of control, to feel superior or untouchable, like C could never really fall for her.

I was denied this because she is a great person. I couldn't ignore that. It made me feel really faced with myself, my choices to explore this lovestyle. The crying I did was the good, cathartic kind- I could feel myself growing. The reality of C having a relationship with someone I can see as my equal is still scary to me, but it's really a beautiful thing.

Last night, she and I had a wonderful conversation online, as we had before we went to visit her, and she has expressed respect and love for me, and a desire to be a friend to both of us first. She is very understanding of what C and I are going through and has said many times that as long as she can be in our lives as a friend, she considers herself lucky. I told her truthfully that I know she belongs in our family, I just don't know how yet. There are lots of possibilities here, but she and C are being wonderful to me and going at my pace. I have found great satisfaction in giving that love back to both of them, and being generous, even when I'm scared.

At first I thought she would be the hardest person to deal with C having a relationship with because of our history of misunderstanding each other. Now I see that she is in fact the best person C could have chosen to open up to, because they have been friends for so long, and she is willing to be that kind of a friend to me.

At the very least, she and C can now carry on their friendship without worrying about how I will take it, and I have gained the friendship of a beautiful woman. At most, who knows? I feel good most of the time about this, and when I feel bad, I know it's mostly my own issues rearing their ugly heads on me- but that gives me an opportunity to face them.

I love Catfish more and more with each day that passes, and I am so happy to see him growing too, and trust building both ways between us. I'm pretty floored at how this whole thing has given the three of us an opportunity to shine so bright on each other, and I'm grateful.

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