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-   -   feeling alone (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18080)

utahpolyfam 11-30-2011 07:37 PM

feeling alone
Hello everyone. I am a male member of a polyfidelitous quad. I have suffered through depression off and on and am currently suffering through it now which is probably making the situation worse. I went through a few months where I was shutting people out while I was trying to deal with the change of merging two families. I am now trying to make things right but I am finding it really hard. It seems like no matter what I do I can't seem to get my wife or her girlfriend to devote any time or affection to me. I am always the one initiating the kisses and hugs and "I love you's" however it is not being reciprocated back to me.

When ever we are doing anything like watching TV or just living normal life they are together all the time. They are always kissing and hugging and cuddling. It makes me happy to see them happy, but I also want to feel important myself. I feel like they are my roommates and not my lovers. This definately isn't helping with my depression or self esteem. I have talked to each of them about this and they said that they would include me more but it doesn't seem like anything is working.

Any ideas on how to solve this problem?

dingedheart 11-30-2011 08:35 PM

How long has the quad been in existence? How long have you all been living together? Does the forth person in this quad feel or notice the same thing you do as far as their interactions with the other 2..or are you just the odd man out in this.

Perhaps focus on your depression and see if your perception changes.

utahpolyfam 11-30-2011 09:55 PM

Thanks for the reply. Our quad has been together for a year, we have been living together for about 6 months. The other person in our quad hasn't expressed. any dissatisfaction

redpepper 12-01-2011 07:06 AM

Relationships sometime do take on the feeling of roomates and friends. Really, to me, my partners are my deepest and closest friends. I have moments of passion with them, but they are fleeting compared to every day life. What is the difference for you? I'm not sure why this is adding to your depression. Could you say more?

Storm 12-01-2011 10:29 AM

Why are you so focused just on those two? What about the other member of the Quad? Why not spend time with them? I still understand your concerns, but it's a Quad, not a Triad, so take advantage of that.

Allstar 12-04-2011 08:02 PM

Maybe try setting aside time individually with your other partners for a date. Just something out of the house, quiet dinner and a walk or even some light jazz music that you can get close on the dance floor. I have never been in your exact situation but all relationships suffer from this. It is everyday life. I have been there. I have found that sometimes the fire is dwindling on their end and when I do this, its like pouring gasoline on the flame. Take a week to plan something out for your partners and give it a shot.

dingedheart 12-05-2011 01:42 AM

Has the other member of the quad noticed you being slighted or shut out? Or any weird energy surrounding the topic? And would that person tell you the truth? I don't mean that in a malicious way but rather to save your feelings and preserve the group.

What about asking the quad to open up? You could go off and find a more receptive partner or partners. Why beat a dead horse. If they're in a NRE state they might not have strong objections.

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