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-   -   Polyamory and adoption (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1807)

ladyjools 12-23-2009 12:01 AM

Polyamory and adoption
 
I was wondering if anyone knew anything about how possible it would be to adopt in future if you live in a poly family,
this isn't something that im planning on doing right now, but it is something i would consider in the future and there seem to be little or no information out there. I am guessing that being poly would prob exclude me from ever being able to adopt which is sad really but i wonder what other people think of this.

I remember when i was pregnant at the start of this year some people expected that i would imediatly become monogomos and break up with my other partner and stay with the father of my child. Some where appauled when i informed them this would not be the case,

sadly my baby was still born
but i would like to have a child in future and there are so many children who need a loving family.

Jools

MonoVCPHG 12-23-2009 02:09 AM

I honestly don't know a great deal about the topic Ladyjools...great to hear from you by the way!

I would think with the current state of acceptance it would be better to "not mention" a poly relationship on the adoption application. I wouldn't put down that I was into BDSM either though. There are some facts I would think the adoption agency could go without.

I guess it would be worth taking up that challenge if you thought some one around you might file a complaint or some thing.

Take care
Mono

greenearthal 12-23-2009 03:20 AM

The laws and practices regarding adoption vary wildly from region to region and country to country.

ladyjools 12-23-2009 12:58 PM

i know it varys a lot, i just wondered if anyone knew anything at all,
not putting it on application for us prob won't work in future as we will eventually all be living under one roof and we are openly poly, everybody knows, work, family, neighbours, friends etc so there good chance that they would find out and i think lying would make us look worse than being honest,

and thanks Mono
i not been able to post as much because of being super busy, free time is hard to come by for me these days,

Jools

LovingRadiance 12-26-2009 01:08 AM

Jools-there is a difference between lying-and not commenting.

I say this because I live with husband and boyfriend.
EVERYONE in our lives except my husbands co-workers (he works in another town and they aren't in our lives) knows. Some of his coworkers do know-but they aren't involved in our lives-so it's just not the same.

Anyway-as I was filling out paperwork for my upcoming medical b.s. I was thinking on this basic topic.
But the truth is that my boyfriend IS our roommate, so putting that on the paperwork is fine. Furthermore-our current 4 children know him as their uncle-and so if I were to fill out adoption paperwork-it would not make much sense to write "we're poly lovers" when the people processing the paperwork may have NO understanding of what that even means. BUT they would understand perfectly that my sister and the children's uncle live with us and have for years as "nanny's" for our children-which is ALSO absolutely the truth.

The truth isn't as simple as "we sleep together" and frankly-who you sleep with has little to do with your parenting abilities...

I would seriously not mark this off your list. BUT also keep in mind that if you wouldn't WRITE it on your job application-it probably needn't be written on any other application UNLESS YOU WANT TO put it on there.

Does that make sense??

As far as personal knowledge.. no clue.


Good luck!
(nice to see you on here again too)

ladyjools 12-26-2009 01:29 AM

thanks thats an intresting point,
i would worry though that they might get that info from someone else, about us being poly because i think that they interview people who know you and someone could easily let that slip,

this is a long way off, just something i am thinking about,

Jools

dakid 12-29-2009 10:31 AM

i have always thought i will adopt one day.

some years ago i started to think about the possible ramifications of my experiences in a mental health hospital and got really worried that this would make me unable to adopt.

in the end, on the advice of a friend, i phoned my local social services department and spoke to them about it. i am soooo glad i did this! what they told me was very simple - as long as i had at least two years uninterrupted employment and good health before applying then it wouldn't be any problem.

i am only telling you this because i want to suggest that you do similarly and call either social services or a local adoption agency to find out the facts.

you don't have to tell them your real name you can just make a general enquiry and see what their response is. it really helped me to know where i stand, i hope it will for you too.

all the best and good luck

x

edited to add: although i still haven't adopted, i still plan to. in the intervening years i spend 5 years as childminder for a lesbian couple who have two adopted children. as well as learning from all members of that family i also did a lot of reading from their bookshelves about adoption. many many children who are in need of adoption have complicated histories in one way or another. for example they may have been sexually abused. secrets, for these children, have proved very damaging in their lives, and asking a child to keep any kind of secret about their adoptive family can be really damaging again. social services don't stop being involved the day the kids move in, and the kids often have a strong need for there to be no secrets in their new family. also social services make great efforts to match the children to a suitable family and would need to know as much as possible about your lives in order to do that. i would imagine that being in a poly family would be ideal for some children but not for others and so thats another reason to be as open as you dare during the process.

ladyjools 12-29-2009 11:25 PM

Quote:

in the end, on the advice of a friend, i phoned my local social services department and spoke to them about it. i am soooo glad i did this! what they told me was very simple - as long as i had at least two years uninterrupted employment and good health before applying then it wouldn't be any problem.

i am only telling you this because i want to suggest that you do similarly and call either social services or a local adoption agency to find out the facts
.
Thankyou this is really good advice, and at some point i think i will contact them to try and find out more. At the moment this is not on the cards because we just lost a baby, there are major changes happening in my poly family and we would need to be very settled before taking on this responsibility, so it is some years off if we ever do.

Quote:

although i still haven't adopted, i still plan to. in the intervening years i spend 5 years as childminder for a lesbian couple who have two adopted children. as well as learning from all members of that family i also did a lot of reading from their bookshelves about adoption. many many children who are in need of adoption have complicated histories in one way or another. for example they may have been sexually abused. secrets, for these children, have proved very damaging in their lives, and asking a child to keep any kind of secret about their adoptive family can be really damaging again. social services don't stop being involved the day the kids move in, and the kids often have a strong need for there to be no secrets in their new family. also social services make great efforts to match the children to a suitable family and would need to know as much as possible about your lives in order to do that. i would imagine that being in a poly family would be ideal for some children but not for others and so thats another reason to be as open as you dare during the process
this i totally agree with, and i don't think i would lie about my family situation because i just feel that its not something i should have to lie about and they might need to know so that they can place the child in the best possible home,
if they say that i cannot adopt because i am poly then i will accept that adoption isn't going to be for us, id rather be honest from the start and see what happens.

Jools

dakid 12-30-2009 09:19 AM

i really hope they are not that small-minded though and that you achieve your dream! it is a great thing to do, very rewarding for all involved and i wish you all the best (when the time is right) x


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