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-   -   Question on triads ending (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18051)

Storm 11-30-2011 07:29 AM

Question on triads ending
 
I'm wondering what people who have been in triads do when it ends in some form.

The example I'm thinking of specifically is this: A, B and C are all involved and in love, but then C falls out of love with B and only wants to be with A but still be friends with B. B still loves C and is hurt that C no longer loves them. A still loves them both and wants to be with them both, but B wants A to end it with C since C has ended it with them... how the hell would you deal with that?

I guess i want to know, is it fair for someone in the initial couple to want their partner to break it off with the secondary (don't really like that term but using it for simplicity sake) just because they have?

Maybe I haven't explained it well but hopefully someone will get what I'm meaning or I could try to explain more.

Moonglow 11-30-2011 08:44 AM

I understand. I had more of a V but I can't even understand how my husband even will be friendly to the other guy because he was so hurtful when he broke up with me. I know this sounds bad but deep inside I was a little hurt at him for even speaking to him or seemingly feel sorry for him when his plans didn't work out. Now that some time has passed I feel ok about it. I don't have ANY sympathy whatsoever that his plans didn't work out and I hope he leaves town soon. My husband just sees him as a non entity now.

Storm 11-30-2011 08:50 AM

So you expected your husband to end it with the other guy because you no longer loved him or because he was an asshole when he broke up with you? But what if the guy had broke it off with you in a nicer way? Would you still have expected yous husband to break it off as well?

SchrodingersCat 11-30-2011 08:56 AM

Love is her own boss and cannot be controlled or manipulated. Relationships can be made and broken, but love does what love wants.

Sometimes I also get caught up in "fair" and "not fair" but... well, fairness is a hopeless romantic ideal. Really, who actually expects life to be fair, and is there room for me under their rock?

To me, love means you want your partner to be happy. Love does not mean controlling your partner so that you don't have to experience any icky feelings. Everyone experiences icky feelings, and everyone must learn to overcome those feelings in and of themselves... Not by controlling the uncontrollable world around them, but by controlling their own behaviours and thought processes.

Sure, B can put her foot down and say "I forbid A from continuing the relationship with C" and A may agree, but not without some resentment. When D comes around, A is going to be a bit reluctant. Repeat that cycle once or twice more, and A is going to say "nuts to this, I'm sick of getting pushed around." At that point, it could go either way. A might say, enough of this poly shit, I can't deal with your insecurities so let's just be mono... or A might say, I can't deal with your insecurities, this time I choose E and leave you, B, to find your own way.

nycindie 11-30-2011 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 113635)
To me, love means you want your partner to be happy. Love does not mean controlling your partner so that you don't have to experience any icky feelings. Everyone experiences icky feelings, and everyone must learn to overcome those feelings in and of themselves... Not by controlling the uncontrollable world around them, but by controlling their own behaviours and thought processes.

Brilliantly put!

Storm 11-30-2011 09:16 AM

SchrodingersCat - Very well explained with some very damn good points.

Moonglow 11-30-2011 11:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Storm (Post 113634)
So you expected your husband to end it with the other guy because you no longer loved him or because he was an asshole when he broke up with you? But what if the guy had broke it off with you in a nicer way? Would you still have expected yous husband to break it off as well?

Well yeah, I guess because he hurt me deeply. They were friends, not more than that. I guess I didn't understand why he would even want to be friends. Some of the stuff he said to me really hurt me for over a year. I know my husband felt bad for me and he didn't understand why it happened the way it did.

Storm 12-01-2011 10:24 AM

Well if he didn't love the guy then I guess I can understand why you'd want him to break of contact. If he had loved him, then that would be different.


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