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-   -   I'm sad it's ended. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18005)

poobah123 11-29-2011 04:28 PM

I'm sad it's ended.
Background: My wife and I were involved with another married couple for around 6 months.

Today I told my wife and OSO I did not want this anymore. I could not find a place where I was not bothered by something. I tried for 6 months to find a way but I just can't put myself through the emotional roller coaster anymore. I am keeping things open though.

It's been a tough ride for me. Almost lost our marriage then we got it back but with others involved. I was thinking today that maybe I need time to build this new relationship with my wife first before I can be mature enough to handle polyamory. I'm afraid of the future. I don't want to lose my wife.

It's feels horrible. I am the one that dropped the ball or missed the field goal so to speak. I had to hurt 3 people that I really care for today. Now it is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.

this sucks.

Minxxa 11-29-2011 04:39 PM

Sorry this was so hard. My own personal opinion is that this right here emphasizes my rule #1 with poly-- the existing relationship needs to be on firm ground for a good long while before adding new people.

I think too often people rush into things because an opportunity pops up, without taking this into consideration. The fact is, that if the existing relationship is on shaky ground, or has been recently and has just barely gotten back to being good, that adding a new relationship is going to be MUCH harder, and may very well end up causing the existing relationship to be lost.

And as you can see, other people then get hurt because they were brought into a situation that wasn't ready for them. NOT to make you feel worse!

I just see this a lot. A relationship barely gets back on it's feet and someone meets someone who gets them giddy and wants to rush into it headfirst without thinking about the potential consequences.

I wouldn't be extra hard on yourself, though I do see this is a potential to take a look and see what exactly was the issue, and what you may be able to do about it. If the fact is that you and the wife hadn't had time to just BE in a relationship and rebuild first-- then maybe you can do that now with the possibility of opening up after you've had that chance to re-bond.

poobah123 11-29-2011 04:54 PM

I think your reply is spot on. It makes total sense. I mean we went the whole spectrum of a relationship. The marriage was almost over. Literally 11th hour type over. How could we build anything with another involved.

I will take this time to reflect on what bothered me and do some soul searching. In the meantime I will also work on building this new relationship with my wife. I look forward to a future when I can be ok with things. I just hope I have not lost my wife. I know she says she loves me and she can handle it but my inability to give to her has hurt her.

Minxxa 11-29-2011 05:02 PM


Originally Posted by poobah123 (Post 113481)
I just hope I have not lost my wife. I know she says she loves me and she can handle it but my inability to give to her has hurt her.

I don't know how you could phrase this so that it wouldn't sound like an accusation, because it really isn't. But if she's seeing this as your "inability to give to her"-- she's neglecting to look at about her inability to give to you. You're not saying you can't do this at all, you're saying that you can't do this NOW because the two of you didn't do the work together first.

In my mind, she's only looking at what she wants and what you won't give her, instead of seeing that it's just as much about what the two of you need and what she didn't take the time to give your relationship because she was infatuated and wanted what she wanted.

I know that sounds hardass, but the truth is that when people get into the NRE they very very often get into a selfish "me, me, me" stage where they are so focused on their chemically-induced feelings that they run over other people's feelings or see other people's requests as some kind of imposition.

I think it might behoove her to see that giving is a two way street. You want to give to her, so that she can have what she wants and needs. She needs to do the same for you.

poobah123 11-29-2011 05:18 PM

Actually to be clear she has offered to end things before. I just kept trying. She told me she didn't want to hurt me anymore and wants to work on us. So it took her some time to be able to do that. In her words she thinks she caused damage to me and our relationship but I don't feel that way. I just want to work on being a better husband, friend and father. I love her dearly.

thank you for your kind words.

Minxxa 11-29-2011 06:01 PM

That's great that she saw that it wasn't working for either of you. I wish the two of you good wishes in learning to enjoy each other and build a solid relationship again. :)

redpepper 11-29-2011 07:14 PM

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. I hope you two find the path to increased connection through all of this.

I was wondering if this means she has to stop being with them or one of them? If she is still loving them and them her, is it not possible to create a vee out of a quad? I'm not sure why everything has to end because you have decided it.

poobah123 11-29-2011 08:47 PM

I just asked her to not be physical with him. I won't take anything else away from her. This just sucks. The gravity of my situation is setting in and I feel horrible. I can't eat. Work. just feel like dying.

AnnabelMore 11-29-2011 09:20 PM

Taking a break from being physical with a lover is not the worst thing that could happen to a person. Not to be dismissive of what you're feeling in the least, but... your wife will be fine, the other couple will be fine, they have each other to fall back on and you and she also have each other, no one is alone. This *is* a rough situation, and she clearly loves you very much to give you this, but you feeling like you're a terrible person will not make this better. She accepted your gift of trying to make it work, now you must accept her gift of suspending operations (so to speak) and focus on the work of rebuilding your marriage!

poobah123 11-30-2011 11:02 PM

Now this is out of control. I can see my wife is really upset. She is still in love and being forced to stop. I asked her for a break but she said deep down she knows it will never work for me.

Now my wife is talking about moving away. Never talking to them again. Saying it's the right thing to do etc.

The mix of emotions is making me sick. I hurt so many people. Will my wife stay with me? Will I lose my OSO altogether? Why can't there be a way to make this work.


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