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-   -   Not sure what to do next. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1798)

Manno 12-21-2009 06:56 PM

Not sure what to do next.
 
It has been a crazy road for the past few weeks, stopped posting, but here I am again
I'm the married man in a recently formed V relationship with my wife and her lover, who is a friend of mine.

While I was toppled with a lot of exterior professional pressures for the past three months, I first found out that my wife's relationship with her friend became more intimate. While I support them 100% and I'm extremely happy for them, because of the pressures and the timing of this big shift in my marriage, my life spun out of control in a lot of ways. I tried seeing a couple of somewhat single women and things did not work right.

However, the pressures are completely over and I'm finally feeling like I'm gaining my bearings again. Again, I am okay with my wife and her boyfriend's relationship, what I'm worried about here where I fit into the whole equation and also what I'm wanting for myself.

I did meet someone over these past few months, but her life and mine are really too chaotic for anything productive to happen between us. This is a shame, as I really dig her, but recently I've realized that I need to completely let this one go. It is a shame, as she's fun, smart, and beautiful. But she's busy, and I've got to work around my wife's relationship, so it really has stunted the time I have with this new friend.

So after three months, I know exactly what I want: companionship with a woman that is looking for a friend mixed with romance but is willing to work with my time constraints.

But now that I know what I want, I do not know how to go about finding it. And should I be worried if this takes me down several avenues that are simply sexual, or just don't plain pan out? Not dating for ten years has kind of worried me on this level.

I recently looked at PolyMatchMaker and a few others, and I came to the realization that in the world of polyonline matchmaking a married man looking for a female companion is like being a jackass in a unicorn safari, as it seems unicorns are all that is being sought after on those sites.

This is perhaps another one of my woes with this whole situation. My wife and her lover are pretty complete, and her polylife pretty much ends there. Though (I hope I clarified this for you YGirl) I'm sometimes left wondering if what I may really need is a woman to share with my wife. I feel like I've been left to rebuild personal happiness on my part alone, which is surprisingly, very lonely.

Anyone have any suggestions?

NeonKaos 12-21-2009 07:33 PM

This may not be the type of suggestion you have in mind, but it may be helpful to you and others in the grand scheme of things:

If I were in the dating pool that is available to you (and I suppose I am - perhaps not geographically, but certainly demograhpically), I would be able to sense whether you were looking FOR YOURSELF or simply to fill a niche made available by the fact that your wife has other things to do with herself. I for sure would be creeped out by the notion that someone was interested in dating me in order to fill the blocks of time that they they are at a loose end because their partner is off doing other things.

Following from that, I also get the creepies whenever I hear a couple or one member of a couple refer to "sharing someone" with their spouse/primary partner. I get this mental image of a dessert with two spoons, or a drink with two straws. The "couple" are the spoons or straws, and the "third person" is the dessert or the drink. It is definitely the language that elicits such a picture - rather than thinking of it in terms of "someone to share", I wish people would think of it in terms of "someone with whom we both get on well enough so that we can all hang out together". I realize that it's easier to say and write "share", but I feel compelled to remind folks yet again that choice of language (vocabulary and usage) both influences and indicates the thought processes that are going on in someone's mind whether they are aware of it or not.

Manno 12-21-2009 07:54 PM

a few clarifications
 
I had a hard time starting this post, and I had a feeling it wasn't going to come off as well as I had expected. And filling the void isn't necessarily accurate for us either: when my wife is out, I'm at home with our child, vice versa. Were childcare not an issue, I don't think a lot of my problems would be present.

I'm not looking for someone to fill the void that I feel I'm lacking from my wife's attention, the point of us diving into polyamory was to try to grow as people so that our relationships provide new aspects to us during our time together.

My key frustration in this is finding a companion who is flexible enough to spend time with me when I do get the opportunity to get out of the house.

At the matter about the whole "sharing" someone, I totally agree with the implications of that language, and no, I'm not wanting the dessert with two spoons. I wrote it in haste, aggravation, and also in jest to go along with the unicorn statement previously; it was a bit of a cop out because yes, it would be easier than me lone wolfing this, and it seems like what a great deal of people out there are looking for.

NeonKaos 12-21-2009 08:02 PM

Manno, I hope it didn't seem like I jumped down your throat just there. I am sorry that I could not offer something that would give you a concrete way of addressing your questions/issues (and I don't mean "issues" the way people often say it nowadays - "You've got ISSUES!" - but the old way, meaning "stuff that comes up in life").

Manno 12-21-2009 08:08 PM

Jumping down my throat... no
 
Making me wonder if I sound creepy, kinda, but I hope I clarified that.

No worries, this isn't something that can have easy answers. Especially when you factor in all the parties involved.

I just feel like I'd be having a better time if this was something we were exploring together instead of me trying to work this out on my own while my wife's pretty much saying, "I'm good."

NeonKaos 12-21-2009 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manno (Post 16524)
Making me wonder if I sound creepy, kinda, but I hope I clarified that.

Yes, you did; and I want to be very clear that I made a point to say that *I* would be "creeped-out", that *I* find [whatever] to "be creepy", and NOT to say that YOU "are" or "sound" creepy. :)

Manno 12-21-2009 08:40 PM

The issue of creepiness
 
Actually, one of the hardest things about the whole reunion with dating is the whole making sure I /don't/ come off as a creep.

NeonKaos 12-21-2009 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manno (Post 16528)
Actually, one of the hardest things about the whole reunion with dating is the whole making sure I /don't/ come off as a creep.

Maybe you're trying too hard? If you ARE "not-creepy", you shouldn't have to try to "be" not-creepy.

Don't give up, i'm sure you'll find someone nice!

Manno 12-21-2009 09:13 PM

very true YGirl
 
I was alluding to a specific creep factor: the whole problem of being a non-creepy "married guy looking to meet someone" which is generally interpreted as the "married guy looking to cheat on his wife" creep.

:P

-M

NeonKaos 12-21-2009 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manno (Post 16534)
I was alluding to a specific creep factor: the whole problem of being a non-creepy "married guy looking to meet someone" which is generally interpreted as the "married guy looking to cheat on his wife" creep.

:P

-M

"Occupational hazard" is one way of putting it!


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