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-   -   Our first poly holiday... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1795)

LadyMacbeth 12-20-2009 07:11 PM

Our first poly holiday...
 
Macbeth and I started our poly negotiations and parameters in the summer and after a great deal of effort came up with a great list of parameters, and both are involved with other primaries. Now come the holidays. Holidays have always been very important wonderful family times with all kinds of fantastic holiday traditions. Now that we have, essentially, new family members, we're finding ourselves in a wonderful conundrum with so many people we want to spend time with.

We're not out to anyone but our partners. Thus, there are lots of holiday parties and plans. My bf has been an integral part of our social network for a long time, and he, myself, and my husband actually find it wonderfully erotic to be in our social setting and have our "little/big secret." Sometimes stolen kisses when nobody's looking, etc. As we have had several holiday dinner parties, etc, this has been wearing on me. I want everyone to see how wonderful our lives and loves are. My bf's mom is coming down, she knows he is dating someone, but not the details. Since she knows I'm married, she is concerned that it's an affair and he doesn't know how to answer her questions about what I'm doing for the holidays..."oh, she's hanging with her husband and in-laws."

My husband's gf is having extensive conflict with her other bf and is out of the state. My daughter and my boyfriend's daughter don't know that their parents are involved romantically...we've included my bf and his daughter with our family activities (i have one 11 year old daughter) but for the first time I found myself uncertain of who to pay attention to on the outing (my husband or bf) and have to limit any affectionate touching anyway because of the children.

Last night my husband and I were discussing our "poly utopia" and fantasizing about what it would be like to have all of our circle (which involves six, me, my husband, my bf, my husbands gf and her boyfriend and her boyfriend's other gf...yikes) over for a poly family holiday with a wonderful dinner, games, a fire in the fireplace, gifts...and no hiding. I would love to have my family there, my husband's family...etc. I would love to sit on the sofa between my husband and bf holding both of their hands in front of our friends and family.

Anyone every achieved this?

GroundedSpirit 12-20-2009 07:20 PM

Mmmmmm
 
It's a beautiful dream and sad that in theory it could be just that simple. Because it should be.
Requires loads of bravery and commitment though and although I know some who have managed it, it is much more rare.
Good luck if you choose to attempt it !
Oh - and I would suggest you at least try it first with your "poly" family before you expand it to the whole blood family. There may be some surprises yet even in that situation that you may discover need some "polish" before being exposed to the light :)

GS

constlady 12-20-2009 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyMacbeth (Post 16456)
Last night my husband and I were discussing our "poly utopia" and fantasizing about what it would be like to have all of our circle (which involves six, me, my husband, my bf, my husbands gf and her boyfriend and her boyfriend's other gf...yikes) over for a poly family holiday with a wonderful dinner, games, a fire in the fireplace, gifts...and no hiding. I would love to have my family there, my husband's family...etc. I would love to sit on the sofa between my husband and bf holding both of their hands in front of our friends and family.

Anyone every achieved this?

Actually, yes we have! As a matter of fact, last night the four of us attended the work Christmas party for the agency where rosevette and M both work. We sat together, were affectionate with each other just like we normally are, danced together etc. If anyone had a problem with us, I didn't notice it :D

We also had a huge Thanksgiving gathering that included family members from all of our biological families. At that party I overheard R's mom and rosevette's step mom having a conversation about "the situation with rosevette and M." The jist of it was that while they didn't understand it, it seemed to be working well and R's mom said she's never seen him happier.
That was a great warm fuzzy moment for me!

Sometimes I think we're just blessed but we really haven't had any problems coming out to our families or friends. Of course, speaking only for myself, anyone who has known me for any length of time rarely is surprised by anything I do ;)

As we've grown together, it has become more natural for the others involved in our lives to think of us as just a rather large family. Since that's how we see ourselves, maybe that's just what we project?

Whatever it is, I can tell you that your poly utopia is pretty awesome to live!

rosevett 12-22-2009 07:17 PM

I wanted to question how everyone was doing the 'holidays' with their choosen families and came to this thread first and wanted to share how we finally created a FAMILY CELEBRATION...28 people I tell you..only a few missing.

It was thanksgiving time and we weren't sure when R was leaving on an oversea work assignment so I hosted a Holiday celebration at our home and invited EVERYONES family. We had relatives that know our dynamics well and have seen us all together. We have relatives that know the dynamics but never 'seen' it in action. We have relatives that kinda had an idea. we had relatives that might have been 'prepped' of our relationship prior to attending(this would be my mono daughters boyfriends parents that we met for the first time FINALLY)

How did it go, it was amazing (I think constlady mentioned what the 'mom's' said in conversation in another post) I feel grateful that we have all choosen family that fits into our values and that these values extend from the way were raised as our families do not have issue with our loves.

I would like to place one personal opinion on 'coming out' during a holiday period/wedding or other celebration that is not YOURS, (not that I should give advice)don't go to someones home for a celebration and ANNOUNCE something that is not expected or not their 'normal' it is very rude. So as much as you love your loves and want to announce from a rooftop save it for a day when you can invited them to YOU and make sure you have a pleasant enviroment to share how you feel - it also gives them a safe zone to be able to leave and think out their thoughts.

Our Christmas celebrations will be very different and it truly seems the best place for ALL to gather is our place and that's not a happening thing in my world this time of year....so we spread out to gather together for a seasonal wrap up with constlady at her place with her grandchildren, soon to be nestled into bed for a long winter nap(ok I know I know we are dreaming) on the night of Christmas day.

Best wishes and holiday cheer to all!

MonoVCPHG 12-22-2009 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosevett (Post 16617)
I

I would like to place one personal opinion on 'coming out' during a holiday period/wedding or other celebration that is not YOURS, (not that I should give advice)don't go to someones home for a celebration and ANNOUNCE something that is not expected or not their 'normal' it is very rude. So as much as you love your loves and want to announce from a rooftop save it for a day when you can invited them to YOU and make sure you have a pleasant enviroment to share how you feel - it also gives them a safe zone to be able to leave and think out their thoughts.

!

I second this!! If you're happy let it rest until after everyone enjoys their holidays.

I'm fortunate enough to be totally out there. We will be spending our Christmas with as much family and friends as possible. It will be one to remember!!

LadyMacbeth 12-24-2009 04:51 PM

Thanks for the comments folks! One clarification, I have no intention of coming out during a holiday celebration (yikes), I only fantasize about having it over with and being able to just hang out without hiding anything...maybe someday. Best to all, whatever holiday is being celebrated...and to those who have a hard time during the holidays, have a tolerable time and a happy new year!

redpepper 12-24-2009 05:10 PM

We have a great holiday planned this year, it's true, but it doesn't involve my family. They chose to do their own thing. They invited us to their plans but when we told them that the timing wouldn't work to get there, they live in another city, there was no room to change their plans to accommodate. I went to visit them early instead for solstice. It wasn't all bad, we made do. I think they wish that things are as they were last year, but there has been too much going on this fall to make me feel like I want to be around them for more than a few hours right now and certainly not with Mono or my son (you'll have to read up on why in another thread,,, Redpepper needing help I think it's called) Instead we will have a great time here :) I'm looking forward to it.

Suffice to say that just because you are out, doesn't mean that that vision of wonderfulness will always come to be. As there are others involved who have their own vision, sometimes it's important to make do with being okay with people simply being comfortable. This quite often means that ones own agenda doesn't pan out quite as planned... if you see what I mean. Still, I feel that everyone will be comfortable this year and that is all I ask at this point...

LadyMacbeth 12-25-2009 04:35 PM

If I might, I want to brag about my fantastic poly husband (and we are only initates...) I was complaining that my boyfriend has no coffee maker because he doesn't drink coffee, and therefore I have caffeine withdrawals om my overnights. So...Macbeth bought me a lovely french coffee press to bring to the bf's house so I can have coffee in the morning...

That combined with the joy I felt helping him shop for his girlfriend J for her gift, I feel it has been a wonderful first poly holiday for us.

Thanks for all of your wonderful comments!

LovingRadiance 12-26-2009 01:02 AM

Lady Macbeth-that is AWESOME!

I hope you all enjoyed your holiday greatly!!

;)

MonoVCPHG 12-27-2009 12:11 AM

Glad to hear you had a great time! Woohoo, nice example :)


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