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-   -   Am I really polyamorous? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17871)

RodeoTruth 11-28-2011 06:16 AM

Am I really polyamorous?
Hello everyone,

I have never posted on a message board, but I thought I might find someone who feels like I do. Perhaps I'd find answers to nagging questions. In 1990, I came out as an openly gay man. At that time, I would never have dated more than one person at the same time. My first monogamous relationship lasted for a few months in 1998. I seemed happy with monogamy, but not in the relationship because my boyfriend was abusive.

Apparently, I started seeking anonymous sexual encounters because I couldn't handle the stress of a relationship. Fulfillment was fleeting at best. I have only been monogamous for one or two short periods since 1998. I feel trapped by monogamy and am too jealous for an open relationship.

Moonglow 11-29-2011 04:04 AM

I don't know. I just wanted to say welcome. I think people associate polyamorous with sex and so forth but it is about relationships but it also especially means making a meaningful connection. I haven't been very successful at it (my first triad ended rather messily and my subsequent attempt was ok, just my friend moved away) but I know that I am able to care for more than one person at a time. You have to define it for yourself... everyone is different. :)

Hope you find the forum helpful! Welcome!

Magdlyn 11-29-2011 01:08 PM

I don't think you need to worry about labels right now, Rodeo. What I get from your post is that since 1990, for 21 years, other than one short lived relationship that was abusive, you've only had one night stands with strangers?

Polyamory has the word amor, love, in it. You've never really been in love, except perhaps for a time, with the abuser. You have trouble with intimacy, trust, sharing your depth, with others. If you don't love anyone, you're not polyamorous. You're just fucking around.

Why do you feel trapped by monogamy? Why would you be too jealous to share a loved partner with someone else? Where does your fear of intimacy come from? If you are tired of meaningless anonymous sex, what do you want to do to change that, if anything?

Primarilyhurt 11-29-2011 10:46 PM

Ditto... No need to worry about labels. It seems like you are really hurting from lack of resolution of the matter, and I am sorry for that. It is very difficult to live happily when you know something is 'off' but can't quite figure out what you need to make it right. Confronting a tendency toward jealousy is also very difficult and I am happy for you to have found a safe place here to open up and explore. ((hug))

nycindie 11-29-2011 11:10 PM

I think that, if you usually find a relationship so stressful that you seek out anonymous sex to alleviate the pressure, polyamory is probably not for you. Polyamory centers on developing relationships, and if you can't handle the stress of one, then the stress of managing more than one would likely be very detrimental for you. You wouldn't find it easy to fully engage with each of your partners nor balance the demands of multiple relationships.

You may want to seek counseling or therapy to deal with this. You might still have some scars from your abusive relationship, or other factors, that are keeping you from having true intimacy in your life. The place to start is with yourself. Cultivate self-love, self-esteem, and a good relationship with your self, and you will begin to attract loving intimate relationships with others. A good therapist can help you along this path.

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