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-   -   Wanting to change from open marriage to poly. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17851)

Michele 11-27-2011 06:56 PM

Wanting to change from open marriage to poly.
 
Based on a conversation with a friend of mine, I feel I need to redefine the type of relationship that my husband and I have. We have been in an open marriage for many years now, but on my side things have changed. I want to have more of a relationship with someone else and if it happens fall in love with them without having it make things to complicated. My husband does not want to meet or know anyone that I have on the side, so that is where it might get complicated.

Is this possible??? I really want to meet someone and have a relationship with them and possibly have a mutually loving relationship without upsetting my marriage. Seriously, am I asking for to much???

Help please!!!!

AnnabelMore 11-27-2011 07:58 PM

Funny, we were just talking about this from the point of view of the person outside the marriage: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...038#post113038

I would say that it's certainly possible, and that the right prospective partner might even prefer it if they don't want to know your partner either or don't want to be out as poly, but I know that for me it wouldn't work. Like, if I got my girlfriend a silly little present, like a stuffed animal, I'm ok with her pretending to co-workers or extended family that it's not a romantic present, or that her husband gave it to her. But if she couldn't even display it openly in her home and had to, like, hide it in a box in the back of the closet because her husband wouldn't be comfortable seeing it, that would feel very depressing to me. That's just one random example of how I might find that sort of situation too limiting. Another example would be that I could never join her on a special day, like if she was in grad school and was having a big graduation ceremony, if her husband refused to meet me. I guess I could go and stand in the back in a trenchcoat, or just lie and pretend to be a friend. But still, so depressing.

But people do make it work. AnotherConfused is working under a different but related premise in her marriage about keeping things separate and has found happiness: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16732

I think a lot depends on exactly how strict your husband needs the boundaries to be.

redpepper 11-28-2011 07:37 PM

Likely Annabel posted some good links for you to look at but I wanted to encourage you to read around here. This form is about not only the possibility but the fact that people can and do have successful multiple relationships that are consensual, open, and everyone is aware and connected.

Suggested tags to look at in the search engine would be "foundations" "lessons" "open" and anything else you see that might help. Good luck :)

nycindie 11-28-2011 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michele (Post 113041)
... I feel I need to redefine the type of relationship that my husband and I have. We have been in an open marriage for many years now, but on my side things have changed. I want to have more of a relationship with someone else and if it happens fall in love with them without having it make things to complicated. My husband does not want to meet or know anyone that I have on the side, so that is where it might get complicated.

Is this possible???

Anything's possible.

I have a few questions (okay, more than a few :)). When you describe your situation as an open marriage, what does that mean, exactly? How do you two approach being open? It doesn't sound like you two were doing things together, like swinging. It sounds more like you can both individually have casual sex partners, but only with a DADT policy. Do you never talk to each other about your extramarital activities? Does his not wanting to meet or know anyone you fuck mean that you have to sneak around, or does he know when you are going to meet up with someone? Do you know when his exploits take place, and do you want to know more about his sexual liaisons? Have either of you had a sex partner for long-term? Is your husband open to discussing things or does he clearly want to look the other way and will not budge on that? What do you think would happen if you did allow yourself to develop an emotional, loving connection with someone else, and didn't keep him informed (since he doesn't want to know anything)? Would you be okay with his developing a romantic love relationship as well?

I am just asking all of this to get a better picture of your situation so we can help with more definitive suggestions.


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