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-   -   'don't ask don't tell'? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17824)

tigrrrlily 11-27-2011 09:10 AM

'don't ask don't tell'?
 
I got into a hot fling with someone who had an honest 'don't ask don't tell' only-when -you're-out-of-town thing with his partner. I mean honest in that its an explicit agreement between them.

Anyone else had experience with this? Like, how to avoid having the practical arrangemens feel like cheating...

BigGuy 11-27-2011 06:01 PM

How does one know there's a DADT agreement and they're just not doing some good old fashioned cheating?

Is there like a notarized affidavit they carry around?

AnnabelMore 11-27-2011 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigGuy (Post 113030)
How does one know there's a DADT agreement and they're just not doing some good old fashioned cheating?

Is there like a notarized affidavit they carry around?

Ha, yeah, exactly. If "telling" is against the rules then you can't exactly check in with the person's partner to confirm. Love the affidavit idea.

But, hell, if it's just a hot fling, why not roll with it? I wouldn't accept an ltr with these parameters, but if it's just sex, well, at least he or she disclosed about having another partner at all. How they deal with openness is their issue.

tigrrrlily 11-27-2011 06:28 PM

jeez guys, i have to keep saying this on this forum? just coz its hot and a fling doesn't necessarily mean its just sex! it was, yes, brief, but with future potential.

I believe him coz his story, of which there were many parts told on separate occasions, was consistent and checked out, and his manner in talking about it was no different from his manner talking about a whole lot of other things. Trust radar.

some people just don't want to spend their lives working out why they're jealous. But they don't necessarily only want to have sex with each other for the rest of their lives either. Can't judge 'em.

AnnabelMore 11-27-2011 06:37 PM

No offense meant, if you've posted on the subject before I didn't recall, and I interpreted what you wrote above based on what that phrase would mean to me. "Fling" is a word I associate with casual fun only, not depth, but I get that you're saying you see the potential for it.

I agree that there's no cause for judging, but as for how to make it feel more comfortable I'm just not sure. I think I would eventually get really bummed out if I had to be a secret to someone's partner on an ongoing basis and there were real feelings involved for me. If you're a secret to someone's partner you have to be sequestered from the rest of their life as well, you can't openly get to know their best friends or family, can't drop by for a few days, can't send gifts, etc., without risking the secret. Fine (though perhaps less than ideal) for a fun sexual friend, hella sad-making (to me) for a partner.

SchrodingersCat 11-28-2011 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigrrrlily (Post 113037)
jeez guys, i have to keep saying this on this forum? just coz its hot and a fling doesn't necessarily mean its just sex! it was, yes, brief, but with future potential.

Well I'm pretty sure the word "fling" automatically implies no future potential. I guess it's possible to not realize whether it's a fling or not until it's over, however.

While I do agree that a "fling" can be more than just sex, DADT-only-allowed-when-you're-out-of-town pretty much throws future potential out the window.

As for being a poly person in a relationship with a DADT policy, it's pretty much a personal choice. I know some poly people who won't touch DADT relationships. I know others who feel that honesty and disclosure is a personal responsibility and not their problem. I even know some poly people who take this a step further by knowingly dating people who are cheating on their spouses.

There really is no way to know whether your DADT boyfriend is actually cheating on his wife or telling the truth. This is one reason why some poly people just don't touch DADT, and often insist on meeting their metamours before letting any relationship get too serious.

SourGirl 11-28-2011 12:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigrrrlily (Post 113037)
just coz its hot and a fling doesn't necessarily mean its just sex! it was, yes, brief, but with future potential.


some people just don't want to spend their lives working out why they're jealous. But they don't necessarily only want to have sex with each other for the rest of their lives either. Can't judge 'em.

Good points.

tigrrrlily 11-28-2011 11:55 AM

If I may smuggle in a general point about poly, I see it not so much as an evangelical mission for full disclosure but as an approach to flexibly facilitate different loves with different people. A starting point here is respecting that everyone has their own arrangements for honesty. Gotta respect people for being real about themselves and what they can handle in theory and in practice. (I have to say there were times in a past 10 year relationship when i struggled through the night dealing with my jealousy while my partner was with another and found myself thinking, 'waaaait a minute! I wanted to grow up and be a writer/astronaut/firefighter, not a less-jealous person...!?!?' )

Second, sometimes you just connect with someone and you gotta get it while you can, how its available, bar cheating for my own personal ethic. Correct, I have no way of checking a DADT beyond trust. I think I made a good call and if I was wrong, then he's cheated on me too and I'll be rightfully well-pissed. (But cheating can happen even in full-disclosure relationships, not so?)

So on to the practicalities of finding satisfying ways of relating to people who sparked some connection with me. We live in different countries. He lives with his partner but both travel frequently. He might be back and I might still be available then or I might not, same I guess for him. The main practical thing during the time we were together was keeping separate social circles who know them as a couple from me, which wasn't very difficult although it made him cautious to meet my friends. Which made me feel a leeetle like sneaking, which made me feel uncomfortable, which led me to post here looking for others' experience...

redpepper 11-28-2011 03:29 PM

Personally I'm not big on ever feeling uncomfortable in a situation that I know little about. Call me traditional, but I think I would prefer to know that the wife is good with it. I have tried the idea out of a DADT and it came with all kinds of shit hitting the fan when I found out that the boundry she had was quite different than he let on ie. no sex. Still, you asked for experience, this was mine. Who knows if yours will be different. It could be.

rory 11-28-2011 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigrrrlily (Post 113187)
Correct, I have no way of checking a DADT beyond trust. I think I made a good call and if I was wrong, then he's cheated on me too and I'll be rightfully well-pissed.

I totally agree with this. I see nothing wrong with trusting a person who seems trustworthy, it is not your responsibility to check.

I would never do DADT in my relationships, I'm too much of a fan of openness. I can imagine some kind of a relationship with a person who has that arrangement with their partner. Though maybe I would be careful with how involved I become, and I would back off if I started to feel like it's too hurtful to be a secret.


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