Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   it's so hard to find someone (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17802)

esarati300 11-26-2011 11:15 PM

it's so hard to find someone
 
me and my wife is in a poly relationship and she have four other guys. for me i can't even find one person to be in a relationship. i don't even need to have sex with them. i am fine just to cuddle if thats what they want. girls don't really give guys a chance. the thing is im a real nice person. seems like guys that have money and the bad boy types get girls left and right. it helps if you have the looks too. im just an avarage guy with a big heart, that cares about the other person. girls don't want the avarage guy anymore it seems. i try to ask ever girl i have met in some way to have a poly relationship. but all of them say the same thing. like i got out of a relationship or i only date who lives with me. one had a guy and she still turn me down. i just think i don't have any luck and i should give up on trying. i have been looking for about 8 months i would say. i do give everyone a chance and i don't care about looks. i wish girls were more open. i just wonder if you get better luck if you live somewhere like new york. i am in virginia. so if you try to find someone here, good luck! i think you need moves like mc jagger! (like the song) anyone else have this problem?

AnnabelMore 11-26-2011 11:58 PM

People can sense desperation and it's not attractive. If you're literally asking every woman you know about the possibility of having a relationship with you, it comes off like you don't care who you have a relationship with, you just want someone, anyone. I know it sounds counterintuitive to say that you should ask fewer people out when your goal is to date someone, but it's healthy to have standards and people will respect you more for it. It will also make them feel more special if they sense you're asking them out of a deep personal interest in them, not just because they're female and have a pulse.

If your wife has four boyfriends, does she have any time for you? Maybe instead of focusing on finding a girlfriend if one isn't forthcoming right now, you and your wife should re-focus on making sure your marriage is working for both of you. I'm not saying she should break up with her bf's, just that if you're fulfilled and secure and having your needs met in your marriage maybe it won't trouble you so much that you're not dating outside of it, so make sure you two are spending enough time together.

As for how to meet women, focus on living a dynamic, busy life where you can make new friends and be social, and let romance develop from friendship if you happen to meet the right woman -- but don't force it!

Sociopath 11-27-2011 02:30 AM

Tough Love
 
Oh... my... god... lol, sorry buddy, but you are soooo screwed.

You can redefine and redefine all you want, but this polyamory umbrella under which you're trying to hide will not protect you from the rain.

It's completely none of my business, but I'm still too curious to refrain from asking: Do those four guys all know about each other? Do they know about you? And do you know the answers to those questions, with certainty, because your wife told you and you believe her (an honorable trait it is to trust, but if given blindly it will, by definition, leave you vulnerable to abuse), or have the six of you had some sort of get together where everybody gets to know who everybody else is?

Quote:

girls don't really give guys a chance.
This is a factually incorrect statement. Basically, eaeaRRRn!!

In my experience, girls like guys, so they always give guys a chance. Now I don't mean to upset you, but there's no soft way to say this: just because the girls aren't giving YOU a chance doesn't mean "girls don't really give guys a chance." Trust me, girls like guys. Period.

Quote:

the thing is im a real nice person. seems like guys that have money and the bad boy types get girls left and right. it helps if you have the looks too. im just an avarage guy with a big heart, that cares about the other person.
I believe you. I believe that you are a nice guy. What you seem to be confusing though, is being nice for being attractive. That old granny down the street is probably a very nice person, possibly with a very big heart, who also cares about other people. Do you want to cuddle with HER?

One of my pet peeves is when people, usually men who aren't getting laid, swear that guys need money to "get girls left and right." This is such a gross, unnerving oversimplification of what really goes on.

Good looks don't hurt, but they won't help you either. Trust me.

Quote:

girls don't want the avarage guy anymore it seems.
Wait... how long was I out? There was a time in human history where girls preferred average guys? Well I'll be darned. Somebody must have not sent me the memo.

Quote:

i try to ask ever girl i have met in some way to have a poly relationship. but all of them say the same thing. like i got out of a relationship or i only date who lives with me. one had a guy and she still turn me down. i just think i don't have any luck and i should give up on trying. i have been looking for about 8 months i would say. i do give everyone a chance and i don't care about looks. i wish girls were more open. i just wonder if you get better luck if you live somewhere like new york. i am in virginia. so if you try to find someone here, good luck! i think you need moves like mc jagger! (like the song) anyone else have this problem?
You are a LIAR! If you truly didn't care about looks or having sex, you would just as easily be asking every man you meet, in some way, to have a poly relationship with you. And don't try to brush it off by saying it's the femininity and emotional nature of women that you're really after; there are many feminine guys out there who crave an emotional connection with someone (most of society refers to them as homosexuals, lol, whatever, gotta leave the jokes out--I've already been too much of an asshole).

It sounds to me like the dilemma you're facing has absolutely NOTHING, nothing AT ALL to do with "polyamory."

One last piece of advice: The people on this forum, so far as I've seen, are relatively gentle, well-collected, and at least leaning towards being open minded about things unfamiliar to them...

But if you go around asking random women who are already in a sexual relationship with another man whether or not they want to be in a poly relationship with you, yeah, in the real world, you're gonna get your ass kicked. Be careful and show consideration.

dingedheart 11-27-2011 02:04 PM

Socio,

As Sam Kinison said in a movie once....I like the way you think....I'm goin to keep an eye on you. Very much agree with what you said.

Easrati

Do you wear a wedding ring while out on a mission? Well don't.

How does your wife have time for 4 bf. how is that scheduled.

Where did she find them? Have we had the safe sex talk?

MichelleZed 11-27-2011 10:12 PM

Esarati300, I think you should consider just making friends and expanding your circles, doing activities you enjoy (hiking? wine tasting? volunteerism?) and getting to know people, male and female. You'll be in a much better position to find women with similar interests with whom you can share a bond. Also, a busy, happy person who is enjoying life is usually much more attractive to the opposite sex.

It sounds right now that you'd just like to have sex with someone, anyone, to catch up with your wife. Asking every woman you know to go out with you, regardless of their looks or pretty much any other characteristic seems a little suspect. It also gives women the impression that you don't really care about her, specifically, and if she won't have you anyone else would do. Not attractive.

Making blanket generalizations like "women like guys with money" or "women like jerks" also won't get you too far with the opposite sex. Don't assume that women just aren't "open" enough to want to have sex with a "nice" guy like you. You have to look at how you're coming across, because you're the common denominator in all these rejections.

If you send enough viagra spam emails out, eventually someone will buy some. Starting relationships with women, however, doesn't work using the same principle!

Your wife seems to be seeing a lot of men. I don't mean that statement to seem judgemental. I just wonder how she has the time! Most of those relationships must be more casual in nature. Does it make you feel like you have to catch up?

SchrodingersCat 11-27-2011 11:00 PM

I agree with many points above.

Women sense desperation.

Women like guys who are charismatic.

Generalizing "I can't get a date" to "women don't give guys a chance" is unfair.

Asking every woman you meet for a poly relationship? That's your tactic? Really!??! Well no wonder it isn't working! When's the last time any person got into a successful relationship by asking a perfect stranger if she would become his new girlfriend?

Uhm, lower your expectations. Start with asking women out for a coffee. Offer to come to the mall with her and accompany her while she shops for shoes and dresses. Wait outside the dressing room for an hour while she tries on 15 outfits and then doesn't even buy one of them. Those are the kinds of things that are going to make them see what a sweet guy you are.

hyperskeptic 11-28-2011 03:53 AM

I agree with much that has been said in response to the OP. I can only add my own experience which is, on the surface, similar.

I'm a married guy in my 40s, which would seem to present a pretty high obstacle to me "finding someone"; my wife has had dates with a number of other guys and developed to "cuddle-buddy" status with some of them.

I've had several "coffee dates" with each of two women, neither of whom is, realistically, much of a prospect for anything beyond occasional chats over coffee (though I am keenly interested in venturing beyond that with one of them, in particular.)

So, by that measure, I've fallen behind! My wife is winning!

But, seriously, it's not a race.

I've written it before, elsewhere in these forums, but it's really a matter of attitudes and expectations. When my wife and I first agreed to open our marriage, I thought my next step, my mission, would be to acquire a girlfriend.

I very quickly started laughing at myself for thinking of it that way. Really, sometimes, a pleasant chat over coffee really is the point, a chat in which I don't have to worry about conventional strictures on married men in interacting with women who are not their wives. In that respect, it's liberating and uncomplicated, even if I never end up having a girlfriend or a lover or even a cuddle-buddy.

There may be sexual tension, or a keen interest in developing a deeper, more intimate connection with someone, or a mad, smoldering crush, but, really, what's the rush?

After all, my relationship with my wife didn't develop overnight.

That's another story, but developing our relationship was a very long process of patience and generosity and steadfast friendship. It helped that I could dance (contra dance and, at first, a little East Coast swing and a smattering of salsa) but only because that was a community activity we enjoyed and shared in together, not because my dancing was all that impressive in itself (it wasn't, and isn't). It was the dance community that brought us into contact with one another, and we still dance together (now mostly contra dance, along with some English country dance) nearly every week, to this day.

There's a lesson in that. You don't have to go dancing, but, as others have said, getting involved with activities that you can share with other people is a good first step . . . and maybe even something that can involve your wife and one or more of her other guys? It could give context and community to your relationships that might help ease some of the desperation you seem to be feeling.

Eponine 11-29-2011 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hyperskeptic (Post 113118)
Really, sometimes, a pleasant chat over coffee really is the point, a chat in which I don't have to worry about conventional strictures on married men in interacting with women who are not their wives. In that respect, it's liberating and uncomplicated, even if I never end up having a girlfriend or a lover or even a cuddle-buddy.

That's very true. I feel the same. Although I'm female and there are always guys messaging me on OKC, it's not easy to develop a serious relationship either. But interacting with different people (either online or in person) is interesting enough. :) Even close friendship is not easy to find, let alone relationship, and even poly relationship? So enjoy the process and no rush. ;)

cheryl 12-01-2011 06:00 AM

It almost sounds like you're competing with your wife or trying to even the score, instead of just looking for someone you like. No one wants to feel they are just being used to get back at a spouse, and if you mention your wife's four boyfiends, I bet thats what the women you've approached are thinking.
Even women who like sex want to feel special. They want to feel like you recognise some quality in them thats unique, something that might be overlooked by the average person, beyond simply "you're nice" or "you're pretty." So you really have to pay attention, and it has to be genuine.
Some women might be impressed by money, but if thats all they care about, who wants to be with someone like that anyway? Most women only want to know that you are motivated enough to keep a roof over your head and wont hit them up for a loan. If you're enthusiatic about your life, your hobbies and interests, even if they aren't the same as hers, that's an even more attractive quality. Talk about things you've never done that you'd like to do some day. Ask her the same.
You say you're not choosy, but maybe the problem is you aren't choosy enough. If she isn't someone you'd sincerely like to hang out with or would want to talk to for any length of time, she'll sense it and run.

esarati300 12-02-2011 05:23 AM

cheryl i am not competing with my wife. i do understand girls have it easy to find a guy just like that, with no problems. i do try to find people online that look like a great person, but no one ever gets back to me. i use sites like okcupid,myfreedating site and pof. sometimes cl. when i message a girl, i talk about me and let them know i have a wife. i don't say how many guys she have. thats ture, i would not want to be with a girl that just want my money. i like to give girls a chance. but i do see if i can hang out with her or not. im good at judging how a person is. "how you look is how you are" just a saying. SchrodingersCat i don't ask for a relationship right off the back. i just ask if they would like to hang out. i know you have to go into it slow and not try to rush things. i try to talk online for awhile and if everything goes well, we can can meet. but i think i need to find somone, like walking up to them. online just don't work for me. plus girls get so many offers, it's pretty much playing lottery. MichelleZed i agree with you. i do need to make friends and make a bigger circle. i do go on a website called meetup.com i think that would be the best place to meet some new people. i have to get back into that. sex is not everything to me and im not trying to catch up to my wife. i am fine with just one other person. i know it will take some time, but i will have to wait. my wife makes time with them. she don't see all four guys all in the same day. she just plans ahead. we still spend plenty of time together. dingedheart i never got that far where i did not wear my wedding ring. but it seems like if you lie and say you are single, you will get far. if you say you have a wife, the other girl will not like that too much. they pretty much shut you down. they think the wife will cause drama. but thats not always the case. my wife scheduled to see her 4 boyfriends by phone or email. usally she see one every thursday and the other on sundays. sometimes he come over for awhile to say hi. the other one is very rare she sees, so it's once in a bluemoon. the forth one is not there as much. so it work out good. she found two from a poly meeting and the other one from okcupid. the last one from cl. yes we have talked about safe sex. always use protection! that should be a must in the poly world. Sociopath all 4 guys no about each other and know about me. you have to be open in poly. you know not all girls will give you a chance. it's always a gamble. for others im sure they give chances too. i agree. i doubt im saying the right thing and i do say i have a wife. then i took it off, but still the same results. i think its my looks to be honest. but life goes on. good looks will get you very far and it would be crazy easy to find someone fast. just being honest. i mean who says i want a ugly girl? it just don't happen like that. looks are a big deal. for now i will just wait for the right time, if that will ever happen. i thank everyone for helping me and it did make me think different. i like to see other people views on things.


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:26 AM.