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-   -   Extremely new, and looking for advice and support. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1777)

Xaillipho 12-17-2009 07:54 PM

Extremely new, and looking for advice and support.
 
I just found this forum, and think it's a wonderful resource, and thank everyone that's contributed to creating it. I'm....so new to this, that's its a blessing that such a resource is here for us newbies, so that we don't feel we are struggling alone to try to figure everything out.

From reading, and learning some of the terminology, my wife is interested in starting a V. I happen to be bisexual, and my wife has known since we first started dating, we have always been very open with each other. Recently we were driving, and she said she would be ok with a V relationship, with me as the hinge, in essence, that she loves me so deeply, she wants me to be able to fully who I am.

I love my wife with all my heart, I always have and always will. She is the mother of my child, and my best friend. Yet I have noticed as well that though I will always love her, she can't fully fill all of my needs, and I wonder if this could potentially be an answer to that.

Yet, at the same time, I don't want to potentially hurt anyone. I can imagine how hard these kind of relationships are to maintain properly. I feel like...I'd be being selfish, that'd it'd be all for me. I want my wife to be able to be fully happy in whatever kind of relationship we end up in. I'd be more then pleased to find a man I and my wife could truly love, who was bi, and instead of me feeling selfish by profiting from the polyamorous relationship, having a equal triad.

I'm just very new to all of this, and I really could use any advice anyone is willing to give. I thank you again for the wonderful posts you have, that have been so helpful. Thank you as well to all that respond and help me with this very confusing and new experience.

Ravenesque 12-30-2009 02:28 AM

It might be a text book answer but you could start by getting a few books which speak about polyamory as well as reading a few poly blogs online. Sitting down and discussing the exact form you wish polyamory to have in your life may be helpful.

The Ethical Slut is often recommended.

I recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.

You can Google to see if there are local poly organizations or social groups near you to start and get to know poly people from many walks of life.

There is a sticky thread under General Discussion with a few poly resources as well.

I hope that is helpful :)

~Raven~

GroundedSpirit 01-01-2010 02:32 PM

Hopeful
 
Hi Xai,

From our experience I'd say that your chances for establishing a successful MFM triad vs a V are probably pretty good. It will all depend on how close you and your wife's tastes are in other people - personality, appearance, sexual preferences etc. If they are fairly close you probably will have little problem settling into a nice relationship. However - if your tastes vary widely - it's more likely you are going to end up in some sort of V configuration.
We (wife & I) of course prefer the triad and because our tastes are quite similar in both men & women and we learned how to be more open to little nuances that are more important to one than the other. The compersion thing. That's huge for both of us.
But to make a somewhat risky statement, we found that it's far far easier to find another guy that's truly open and reasonable about living in a relationship like this than it is to find a comparable woman. So if that's what you idealize we'd say your chances are good !

Good luck !

GS

Quath 01-01-2010 03:44 PM

I agree with the other posters to read up on polyamory. The biggest skills to learn are open communication, dealing with jealousy, and meeting people's needs.

I would suggest that if you find a bisexual guy that you don't try to push for a relationship with him and your wife. Let a triad form naturally if it does. There are many possibilities between a V and a triad that could develop. I think a triad that is pushed together has a better chance of breaking apart.

Good luck.

CielDuMatin 01-01-2010 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quath (Post 17787)
I think a triad that is pushed together has a better chance of breaking apart.

Quath, I heartily agree with you on this one. The best relationships are those that come together naturally and are allowed to evolve as they will. Forcing anything lowers the chance of success. I think this applies whether we are talking about forming triads, or any other poly combination.

Xaillipho 01-01-2010 05:06 PM

I wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful advice. Raven, I thank you very much for the suggested reading, it was indeed very enlightening and helpful. To GS, thank you for you very helpful reply, my wife and I do have generally the same taste, thanks for the advice, it helps coming from someone who seems to be in a like situation. Thank you as well Quath, I appreciate the words of warning. I had planned to start the way you advised, cause thats how I start and base any relationship, and I would more then likely deal even with a poly relation in the same way. It's all about growing with the other person, communicating with them, and finding out about each other, that's how a relationship grows.

So thanks again to everyone for the kind and thoughtful responses. I am truly thankful I found this wonderful website, it has been a Godsend.

-Xai-


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