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-   -   Poly versus Sluttiness (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1774)

glowinthedarkstars 12-17-2009 03:56 PM

Poly versus Sluttiness
 
For the first time I had sex with someone who I am not dating. I told him before we did anything that I would have to tell P about this and he said okay. I told P and while i was a little nervous P said "congrats hunny! isnt it nice being poly?" and the whole time im thinking...what I just did wasnt poly, it was just me being drunk, horny and a little slutty, yes I told P about it but still.

....Ps poly but flirts and makes out (or hooks up sometimes) with loads of girls....something i never have done untill this past night. When I did I felt no attachment with the guy I hooked up with, he didnt either, we both talked about it and were on the exact same page.

Now P keeps saying things like "you say that now...." as if i really have something between this guy and me... but i dont think there, there is anything there. he has been my friend for a while but im not interested in a relationship with him (plus the sex was less than spectacular...way less)

I think there is a difference between poly and slut. and P seems to confuse the two... but maybe im wrong?

whats your take?

NeonKaos 12-17-2009 04:03 PM

Sounds like you had yourself some "casual" sex, nothing wrong with that! As long as you used protection and everyone was respectful of everyone else, you shouldn't worry that it "wasn't poly" just because you weren't in love with the guy. It's only "slutty" if you run around spreading your legs at the drop of a hat for whoever offers to buy you a drink or give you a ride home.

glowinthedarkstars 12-17-2009 04:37 PM

I think you are right. I am not worried that its not poly. I dont think there is anything wrong with what I did being that I was safe, communicative and my bf is okay with this. I still dont think casual sex is the same as being poly...
it makes me wonder if my bf thinks of causal sex as a perk of being poly. I see those two things as seperate. one can be poly and not engage in causal sex (i think) just like many mono minded people engange in casual sex. I kinda thought for it to be considered poly one would have to have a deeper connection at least. maybe i am just jumping to silly conclusions though. im still figuring all of this out!

NeonKaos 12-17-2009 04:46 PM

You can let it become a "deeper connection" but there is no harm in enjoying something for what it is now. I would say that your situation would "be poly" if you were regularly seeing both of these guys in a "more than just friends" capacity. You can label it however you want, it is what it is, but I wouldn't yield to the negative connotations of the word "slut".

I just hope your boyfriend(s) treat you right.

GroundedSpirit 12-17-2009 05:10 PM

Terminology
 
Hi Glow,

Yea - I think you're tangled up a bit in terminology and confused yourself. Your BF it might appear is as confused or more-so than you :)
Unfortunately the root term "poly" has been grabbed as a shortcut by all sorts of people and in some cases I'm going to say it's been adopted for convenience sake/justification. "Poly" meaning basically "multiple" that's an easy grab.
The "amour" got left off. The loving part. That's not as easy & convenient - ya think ? That means commitment. And lots more.
Let's face it. In the early days, when you are just starting dating etc, just experimenting with your sexuality, there's lots of "poly" happening and not a lot of "amour" :) That's perfectly fine. Just don't confuse the reality. At some point some people come face-to-face with a situation where the "poly-amour" jumps up and confronts you. Sex may or may not even be part of it ! But regardless, because of this culture, it's often viewed as a threat. Something hard & difficult. Something to be avoided.
Some of us view it differently. Some chose to embrace & celebrate it. You'll know in your heart what feels "right" when the time comes. But at least you have the advantage of a head start because you've discovered it prior to it happening and slapping you in the head unexpectedly. If you keep asking & learning you'll be better prepared when the time comes.

GS

dakid 12-17-2009 07:10 PM

i am a bit bewildered by this post, i use the word slut as a positive thing so can't really connect with the fear of being one. i am one and am proud to be (because i am proud of who i am as a whole, of which that is part).

have you heard of the book "the ethical slut"? i have identified as a slut since i was fifteen but finding that book when i was 30 felt like coming home. one can certainly be a poly slut, i suppose one can also be poly without being a slut if you want.

seems like the problem is that you define casual sex/one night stands as markedly different to other contexts in which you do or might have sex/connect intimately with someone - and your partner doesn't.

maybe you need to explain and clarify to P that this was just casual sex and what that means for you so that he stops saying the things/making the assumptions you describe in your post?

AutumnalTone 12-17-2009 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars (Post 16120)
I think there is a difference between poly and slut. and P seems to confuse the two... but maybe im wrong?

whats your take?

See my sig.

MonoVCPHG 12-17-2009 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeventhCrow (Post 16150)
See my sig.

short, sweet and perfectly put.

ArtemisHunts 12-17-2009 08:16 PM

It also sounds to me like confusion over terminology and definitions. In the end, a term is only a tool to describe something, NOT a box to fit into. There are so many different variables and situations in relationships, it always seemed silly to me that people would try to fit into one of a only a few categories and depend on those terms to tell them what the relationship should be, and what the boundaries should be.

Much better to define for yourselves what works, what is happening, and what you are comfortable with. Don't let assumptions about what a term means lead to misunderstanding or allow agreements you are unaware of. (lets face it, not everyone has the same definitions for things). If you don't think what you did was poly and he does, then it sounds like you are due for a conversation about what you consider poly.

From an outside view (just my own) what you are doing right now sounds to me like "swinging" with a poly option. I'm not entirely clear how people in the poly community categorize swinging, but the swinger lifestyle participants only rarely consider their activities polyamorous. Again, a lot of it just what you choose to call it. Two couples with the exact same behaviors may choose to call it different things. I think there is a difference between poly and swinging, at least, to me there is.

I'm concerned about your use of the word slutty - it usually has negative connotations. Maybe it doesn't for you, I don't know. Whether or not you and your partner agree about what you choose to call your activities, you should NOT be doing things that make you feel bad about yourself. If you feel like its wrong or it makes you uncomfortable, it doesn't matter if its poly or not! There is always more than one way to do something, and if this particular aspect doesn't work for you, you can cut it out! You don't have to accept it as a necessary evil or just the way it works.

It's up to you to define what poly is for you, and not to let the term poly define what your relationship should be.

glowinthedarkstars 12-17-2009 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dakid (Post 16147)
i am a bit bewildered by this post, i use the word slut as a positive thing so can't really connect with the fear of being one. i am one and am proud to be.

have you heard of the book "the ethical slut"? i have identified as a slut since i was fifteen but finding that book when i was 30 felt like coming home. one can certainly be a poly slut, i suppose one can also be a poly without being a slut if you want.

seems like the problem is that you define casual sex/one night stands as markedly different to other contexts in which you do or might have sex/connect intimately with someone - and your partner doesn't.

maybe you need to explain and clarify to P that this was just casual sex and what that means for you so that he stops saying the things/making the assumtions you describe in your post?

sorry to bewilder you, I dont mean to attack or hurt anyone. My boyfriend told me to buy the ethical slut and I did and found it to be a good read, and would love to read it again but i let someone borrow it and they never returned it. That said, while it gave me a lot of insight at the time I read it, polyamory was so complex and confusing to me. I understand how being an ethical slut is something to be proud about also that the term slut isnt used derogitorily among the polyamorous community. I dont mean to offend anyone. while reading this book I felt like it really wasnt talking to me. Untill this night i never even kissed anyone on the random! Anyhow thanks for all the feedback guys, ill be reading through and responding as soon as I get some of my studies done. Hope i didnt offend anyone...Im really a novice at this stuff and just trying to understand!


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