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-   -   Sharing the Holidays (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17697)

BFTrick 11-25-2011 01:09 AM

Sharing the Holidays
 
I'm in my first poly relationship and it is still very new, only a couple of months, and I was just curious what everyone's take is on sharing the holidays.

Right now my triad is planning on me spending both major holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) with my family and my partner and her boyfriend spending them with each other. I would like to invite the gf to join me and my family for one of the holidays. But she seems intent on spending them with her other boyfriend. Part of the reason is that we didn't really have any time to discuss Thanksgiving plans and it is already upon us. The reason that she doesn't want to join me for Xmas is that her other boyfriend would be alone.

I guess I'm a little frustrated that she doesn't want to come to either event. There is probably a little jealousy that she is spending both of them with him. The girlfriend is not on speaking terms with her family (those bisexuals are evil you know!). The metamour could go see his family but I guess he would rather spend it with our gf?

Any thoughts on my situation?

How does sharing the holidays work for you?

AnnabelMore 11-25-2011 01:14 AM

What if they both joined you and your family, the gf and the metamour?

BFTrick 11-25-2011 01:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 112562)
What if they both joined you and your family, the gf and the metamour?

That is an excellent idea. I don't think I'm ready to come out to my extended family so I would have to make sure that both of them are ok pretending in front of my family. If they are ok with it that is an excellent solution!

AnnabelMore 11-25-2011 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BFTrick (Post 112563)
That is an excellent idea. I don't think I'm ready to come out to my extended family so I would have to make sure that both of them are ok pretending in front of my family. If they are ok with it that is an excellent solution!

Now, do understand that you'll be asking for something hard. Pretending isn't fun. But I would think that as long as you swear to keep pda to an absolute minimum -- in other words, to not in any way rub it in his face that for this trip you're officially the bf and he's not -- and to include him to the absolute maximum extent as a warm family friend AND to help them find alone moments together... should be totally doable. Plus, sometimes it's much easier to come out to family later on down the line when they already know the people involved as friends and have seen that there's no drama, so if you guys think this situation could be long-term you could be laying the groundwork for familial acceptance. Plus, just to be safe, you could promise to buy him a beer afterwards. :)

nycindie 11-27-2011 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BFTrick (Post 112561)
I guess I'm a little frustrated that she doesn't want to come to either event. There is probably a little jealousy that she is spending both of them with him.

Maybe the holidays aren't as important to her as they are to you, and she didn't realize it would matter that much.

SchrodingersCat 11-27-2011 10:35 PM

IMO, not leaving her OSO alone for Christmas is a great reason to "choose" him. I mean, you have family and friends to spend Christmas with right? Is it really the end of the world if she's not there? My husband is going on a cruise with his daughter for Christmas this year, I won't see him until the day after boxing day. I'm really excited for him that he's doing something fun with someone he loves.

Regards to inviting them both for xmas but not disclosing the poly situation... just trying to figure out how you would present this situation to your family then? "This is my girlfriend, and her....uhm....friend...." ? Just seems it would be weird. And then you're asking him to watch you and your gf be romantic the whole weekend, I assume you'll get to sleep with her and he'll take a couch or spare bedroom, adding insult to injury...

Personally, I couldn't do it. I hate the idea of being someone's "dirty little secret" and unable to disclose the relationship status just to avoid awkward situations, especially if it's someone else's awkwardness...

Put it this way. Would you be willing to invite her as "your good friend and her boyfriend" and let them share a bed for the weekend, etc?

Because really, being "with" your girlfriend in someone else's house with someone else's family, watching everyone be close and family-like together, and even at night your girlfriend is sleeping with someone else... well, in that situation I would probably feel even more lonely than actually being at home alone.

BrigidsDaughter 11-27-2011 11:31 PM

Our quad has never spent Christmas together. None of us are out to our families, so we spend Christmas with our son and our extended family and they spend it with their son and theirs. Last year we had a Christmas party for friends that Wendigo and Pretty Lady attended and the were here to celebrate New Year's with us.

BFTrick 11-28-2011 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 113075)
Because really, being "with" your girlfriend in someone else's house with someone else's family, watching everyone be close and family-like together, and even at night your girlfriend is sleeping with someone else... well, in that situation I would probably feel even more lonely than actually being at home alone.

Excellent point. In this case we would have to pretend when out with my extended family. My sister (the only one that would be staying with us) already knows. But that doesn't nearly cover your point. I can see it being a little miserable when Tess and I get to be all happy and relationshippy and he has to fake like he doesn't even have a gf. That would suck.

I'll still bring it up as a possibility to see if they have a different perspective but it isn't a very pretty picture.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter (Post 113083)
Our quad has never spent Christmas together. None of us are out to our families, so we spend Christmas with our son and our extended family and they spend it with their son and theirs. Last year we had a Christmas party for friends that Wendigo and Pretty Lady attended and the were here to celebrate New Year's with us.

I hope I don't have to do this every year. It would be nice if we can take turns or work something else out. Unlike your situation I take nobody home. She isn't a trophy to show off but she has met my family and they would like to see her more.

Derbylicious 11-28-2011 01:34 AM

I think you should leave it up to her who she would like to spend the holidays with. Since things are pretty new she might just not be ready for the big extended family thing anyway (especially if she hasn't been spending a lot of time with her own family over the years). I'd let it go for this year and maybe discuss the posibility of doing something special with her for new years.

SourGirl 11-28-2011 02:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BFTrick (Post 112563)
That is an excellent idea. I don't think I'm ready to come out to my extended family so I would have to make sure that both of them are ok pretending in front of my family. If they are ok with it that is an excellent solution!

I`ve never thought of this before, but while reading this, my initial thought was : ' Well, if you are only two months in, and you would ask them to lie to your family, maybe you should wait to share holidays until you are ready to be honest and forthright.'

I think by waiting,...you give yourself and others a chance to become secure and sure of the relationship. So, if things were to spill out in front of the relatives, you would be able to answer with conviction, rather then defensively, or worse, unable to answer their questions, or show them any proof of responsible history in the relationship.


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