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-   -   A needy chick here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17650)

Seattleite 11-24-2011 06:40 AM

Am I being too needy?
 
My first post here, hello everybody!

I am in the middle of a NRE with somebody. A single poly guy. At first, there was no attraction on my part at all, but things kinda grew on me. These days, I think of the guy a lot. I feel his presence next to me. He does not, apparently. He keeps living his life like we are not honeymooning, keeps his calendar full, keeps looking for other women on the dating site (lots of effort, no dates), keeps all his recreational activities. That gets under my skin.

He does not work, no family to take care of. His sexual appetite is not a culprit either.

I have no problem finding a way to fulfill my needs elsewhere. I feel reluctant to do that, because I think I can only have NRE with one man at a time, and I don't want to kill the good thing we've been having. Though a part of me wants to do precisely that.

I feel the need to understand my own emotions. I know he's done nothing wrong, but the feelings of betrayal, anger, rejection are there and make no sense. I am concerned that if I am acting so insecure in a situations where I *should* feel on top of the world, what would happen when I date someone who actually gives me a reason for a little insecurity?

I guess part of the problem is, I've mixed friendship and romance in this relationship, and now unsure whether to start dancing the dance (of seduction, leading him on a chase) or proceed in a "friendly" way, which would be giving him all the info and letting him sort it all out. I mean, if my goal is that he continues pursuing me, then telling him those things would seem counterproductive?

Sounds like an extremely banal thing, yet I am not quite sure how to proceed.

Advice?

AnnabelMore 11-24-2011 04:06 PM

Give him all the info, let him decide. Tell him that you're feeling a little giddy about him (no need to go into the exact number of butterflies and make yourself *too* vulnerable, but acknowledge it), and ask if he'd like to go a little deeper with you (more romantic dates? it'll help to think about exactly what you want) but tell him it's cool with you if he's not in the same place as you right now.

Or, say nothing, just try to shift your focus and break the NRE, whether via other activities or by dating.

I like option number one better -- go communication! -- because maybe you'll get what you want that way, but either one will help you shift away from this pattern where you're super focused on him and he's not giving you what you need in return. One-sided NRE is no good for you.

SchrodingersCat 11-24-2011 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seattleite (Post 112449)
I am in the middle of a NRE with somebody. A single poly guy.

*confused look*

Which is it... is he in a new relationship with you? Or is he a single guy? The two are mutually exclusive... If he's single and you're all gaga for him, then that's basically a "crush" and not a "new relationship."

As I understand it, NRE typically refers to that mutual feeling between two people who are in a new relationship together, not the unrequited attraction of one to the other...

Seattleite 11-24-2011 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 112535)
*confused look*

Which is it... is he in a new relationship with you? Or is he a single guy? The two are mutually exclusive... If he's single and you're all gaga for him, then that's basically a "crush" and not a "new relationship."

As I understand it, NRE typically refers to that mutual feeling between two people who are in a new relationship together, not the unrequited attraction of one to the other...

Quote:

I am who I am. I don't need labels to define me. They're sticky, and I hate the glue they leave behind.
Now we are both having a confused look. You don't need labels to define YOU, but you need labels to define my relationship?

OK, let's look at it closer.

What's your definition of "relationship" and "single"? We've known each other for two months, have been intimate for a month, spent 3 crazy nights together. Been chatting and IMing almost daily, for 3-4-5 hours at a time, until recently. Neither of us is interested in meaningless sex. We do have FWBs (who are bona fide friends), but this feels different to both of us. We definitely have a strong emotional connection. We've never defined any structure or put labels on things, we've just been having a blast together. Does it mean we are in a relationship now or what? I don't know. Does it matter?

To me, a relationship is more of a social experience: living together, introducing each other to friends/family, etc. We have not done that, and I, on my end, am not planning to.

MindfulAgony 11-26-2011 09:25 PM

I err on the side of sharing my feelings. Sometimes it works out and other times it doesn't. But, I'd rather maintain the connections with those I don't have to filter out the terrain of my emotional landscape.

Talk about how you're feeling. Open up to what may (or may not) come next...

Seattleite 11-26-2011 10:06 PM

How would you share them? It's hard to be detached. And how would you feel about receiving such news, especially from someone you've only been involved with for a month? Say, you have a life, you are enjoying it, and someone wants to be bumped on your priority list.. would it make you like them more?

Anneintherain 11-27-2011 01:09 AM

I would prepare a few short sentences on what I really want to get across, hopefully say them in person, but sure I'd email them if it was too hard.

For me in that situation it might be something like - I like you and really enjoy the time we've been spending together, enough so that I'd like to talk about seeing/dating you more, maybe 2-3 days a week to see if that was a good fit for us. I'll understand if you aren't interested in that now, but I thought it would be inauthentic not to bring up my thoughts so you can think on it.

Then I'd leave it at that if they didn't know what they were feeling then or have a response - figuring that they'll let me know after they think it over.

I try never to tailor what I'm going to say to a person on whether they will like me more or less for it - I think only doom lies that way!

AnnabelMore 11-27-2011 01:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seattleite (Post 112895)
How would you share them? It's hard to be detached.

Practice beforehand until you feel ready, if you think you'll lose emotional control in the moment. Work out the words you want to say in advance and do it over and over until they lose some of their raw emotional impact. Then bring it up in the most positive, casual way you can, like "Hey, I wanted to ask you something. I like what we have a lot and I don't feel like it has to change, but I could see us working in a girlfriend/boyfriend capacity too. We could talk about what that would mean if you're interested but I can say off the bat that wouldn't be looking for monogamy from you."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seattleite (Post 112895)
And how would you feel about receiving such news, especially from someone you've only been involved with for a month? Say, you have a life, you are enjoying it, and someone wants to be bumped on your priority list.. would it make you like them more?

It all depends. You're fwb's now, yes? If my former-fwb Harry had told me that he'd wanted to date I would have told him that I cared for him a great deal but that I didn't think of our relationship that way. But when my now-gf was my fwb, a few months in she told me that she thought of us as girlfriends and my reaction was to think about it for a few minutes, ask her a few questions about what that would mean, and then agree to give it a try. You can try to gauge how he might react based on your intuition or by asking him semi-direct questions ("do you think you'll want to get more serious with anyone in the forseeable future?") or you just take a risk, go for it, and find out where he's at.

As long as you don't come off as overly dramatic and needy, and he's a reasonable guy, I can't believe he'll take it amiss. If he's the sort of person who would freak out and drop you because you expressed a *gasp* emotion, is that really someone worth your time anyway?

nycindie 11-27-2011 05:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seattleite (Post 112449)
...I think of the guy a lot. I feel his presence next to me. He does not, apparently. He keeps living his life like we are not honeymooning, keeps his calendar full, keeps looking for other women on the dating site (lots of effort, no dates), keeps all his recreational activities. That gets under my skin.

I really don't understand the problem. He is polyamorous, you've dated him for a very short time, and you expect him to act monogamous? I'm confused.


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