Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Gaslighting (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17617)

SourGirl 11-23-2011 03:59 PM

I am putting this in the 'New to Poly' section, as I think it is valuable to newbies who are struggling with new poly concepts.
If you are wondering on how much to give, or when things are 'normal growing pains' vs. being taken advantage of, this could provide some food for thought.


If it`s better served in the media section, feel free to move it.

dingedheart 11-23-2011 07:20 PM

Is this a subtle cry for help? Sure you talk a tough game but now somebody's got into your head and you're just to proud to admit it. If you like why not use the ole ...." I got this friend who's in this relationship and she is thinking . ..." Wink ;) wink

Come on let us help you ....you'll feel better trust me.:D

whats the photo of ....I know you like perverted photos. Am I going to be shocked or amused or both. Better not be related to leprechaun genitalia again ...you really need to let that go.:eek:

SourGirl 11-23-2011 07:45 PM

How`d I know your ears would perk up over the term 'gaslighting' ? You probably thought it was another housing question. :p

Be quiet you, or I`ll tell everyone about 'my friend' who has a band name and lyrics fetish.

and sweetheart,..there isn`t anything subtle about me. :cool:

Now help me, and get over here and fix my freaking water !!! $3000.00 later, and my water still works when it feels like it. Now its the pressure tank control switch they say,...sigh. Plumber blames electrician, electrician blames plumber,...'These are the Days of our Tradesmen Lives.'

opalescent 11-23-2011 08:17 PM

Thanks for the interesting link SG! I have not come across that particular blog before.

nycindie 11-23-2011 08:31 PM

I have enjoyed reading that blog before but I found this particular post rather tedious to read. I could barely finish it. I think the examples of giving rides to those people were just a bit too heavy-handed in trying to get the point across. I also get irritated when the popular culture has to find a new word for an old concept. Manipulation is manipulation. Now that people are calling it "gaslighting," new articles are being written as if we need new skills we didn't have before. Ugh. Well, at least the freelance writers and bloggers are getting some mileage out of it. Hopefully, they're getting paid.

SourGirl 11-23-2011 10:59 PM

Glad you liked it Opal. :) It is a well-liked site. I thought it to be a refreshing topic that can prove valuable when we seek reminders about the 'truth' about these things.

nycindie - It`s not a new term. It has been around since the 70`s. Not only around, but in useable language. The thread`s intent, is for what I have previously stated to Opal.

..and yes, it is manipulation. The point is that it`s a specific type of manipulation. A type that can be hard to recognize. It`s definitely a tedious talk, but often-seen subject matter. It would be difficult to pull-out the ferris wheel and big lights to 'wow' a viewer without personal stories added in.

dingedheart- You`re late !

dingedheart 11-24-2011 03:21 AM

Very sorry honey:D. Literally ....hold your horses especially the new roan.

redpepper 11-24-2011 07:17 PM

Actually I'm going to move it to "general discussion" to irritate II (and likely others) and to fit with the eventual renaming of the forums... A few years from now. :p

Great link! :)

MrFarFromRight 11-25-2011 03:08 AM

I started reading the linked article. (Didn't finish because it's now 4am and my alarm clock's set for 8am.) The author also uses the term "creeping concessions", a sort of "give him an inch and he'll take an ell" but in small increments that you have trouble noticing until it's too late.

I think that the example given (being asked to give a friend a lift -> ending up taxying more than one person wherever they want to go) might fit that, but I don't see the case for tying in gaslighting (the title of the article). I don't know the official definition of the term, I'm going by the film of the same title. But I'd say that gaslighting is a calculated and insidious manoeuvre to control somebody else by constantly putting them in the wrong, making them doubt their own judgement or memory, and making them depend on you, making them SOOO grateful that you're there to set them back on the right track whenever they blunder. Calculatedly creating a dysfunctional relationship based on co-dependence and inferiority complex.

In the film (and the original play), the villain's aim is actually to drive his wife completely crazy. The subject has come up on this board (in at least one case) where a wife took some time to realise that her oh-so-perfect husband ("I'm so lucky to have him!") was actually getting his own way in a selfish, spoiled-brat way by making her feel flawed, and lying to her. The realisation and its consequences have been very painful for her. Hence my interest in reading the article.

I can't see the example in the linked article as a case of gaslighting. If it is, it's in a very watered-down variety. No-one's going crazy, no-one's doubting their own memory (just somebody insisting that she said something when she didn't: her listener [supposed victim] knows that the speaker got it wrong). There no insidiousness about it all, no WISH to manipulate.

The article's about a group of people overstepping in asking for ever-increasing favours, and about somebody else who doesn't put their foot down and tell them so (allowing themselves to be taken advantage of). Gaslighting [as I understand it] is a LOT nastier than that. It's messing about with somebody else' sense of self-worth.

dingedheart 11-25-2011 04:31 PM

to the lovely and talented Sourgirl,

Because I was pressed for time I didn't read the attachment and had no comment on the subject matter. My ears, eyes, and whatever, perked up because YOU started a thread....very rare.

I must admit when I saw the topic and your name attached I did think of actual gaslights ....my favorite hotel in the French quarter uses them for nightscaping....it has a very warm romantic feel....I'd love to see your eyes in that kind of light.

Its perhaps an obsession not a fetish. And for the record you're the one that hears the lyrics.

As for your plumbing problem (related to housing) civilization has its perks. ...pumps, tanks, pressure switches are unnecessary local gov do all that for you. This why you should hire a general contractor ....let him fight with the different trades or equipment manufacturer ...

As for the topic of gaslighting and the article ...the driver( douchebag 1 )was completely at fault ....should have asked on the first call what all the surrounding facts were and who and what type of taxi services he's willing to offer. I would have waved and honked as I drove by on day three....deal with the fallout later.

PS how is the roan ? and seriously whats the photo of ?

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:17 PM.