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-   -   So lost. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17602)

nooneparticular 11-23-2011 06:50 AM

So lost.
 
My wife and I have been married for 7 years, been together 8. Before that I hadn't dated much at all, ever. I've been in a few different short term relationships, and one year long relationship that had almost no courting before I moved in with her.

What I'm getting at is this; I have no idea where to meet women. To add to the awkwardness is the fact that I'm now married and completely out of practice even talking to persons of a female variety with any intention of a romantic involvement. So how the hell does it work? Once I get the attention of a woman, when's an appropriate time to mention that I am married?

On top of all of that I've already been rejected by someone that knew I was married going into it because their spouse wasn't ready to go into a poly relationship (after a bit of an emotional bond had started). I'm so lost, and despite having my wife there for me I now feel lonely because I know that I'm ready for this and I don't know where to start, plus now that I'm no longer talking to anyone she's talking up a guy. I'm jealous of her because she's got someone's interest, and I am not particularly fond of the guy from what I know about him, but I'm not sure how much of that is jealousy and how much is my spider sense.

Advice on where to find women? Advice on how to alleviate a little bit of the loneliness and/or jealousy?

opalescent 11-23-2011 04:03 PM

No one,

Have you noodled about the forum? There have been many posts and threads about meeting poly-inclined dates. As you know, it is common to be rejected because someone is not ethical non-monogamy. There has also been much discussion of when to tell a potential interest that one is married, and poly. Generally, the sooner the better but one's mileage may vary.

There have been several specific threads about men who are having a difficult time finding people to date even as their girlfriend or wife seems to have her pick. It's a tough situation and one that you are not alone in. I would advise you on how to search for such threads but I am not good at searching myself. Perhaps someone else will point some threads out. But if you poke about, you will find them. They are often in "New to Polyamory" or in "General Discussion".

Many people have noted that this situation is one where fairness, not equality, is good to keep in mind. You may never get the interest your wife does because, stereotypically, the bisexual woman is a 'hot commodity'. However, that fact has diddlysquat to do with you personally. So you may go longer between meeting women with whom you may develop a connection. It's not a competition - as long as your needs are met, and your wife's needs, then it's all good.

As for meeting babes, have you connected with your local poly community? Many places have meetups, local organizations, that arrange events, parties, etc. You may still not find anyone but at least you would know the people there have a passing acquaintance with the idea. OKcupid is also a possiblity. Yes, online dating can be annoying but it's an option. Also, online you can polish your 'game' as my male friends like to call their 'attracting the female' patter and behaviors, before going live, so to speak.

It is entirely possible that your bad vibes about the new male interest are born out of jealousy. It's also entirely possible that he's a douche. And, it's not out of the realm of possiblity, that both are true - you're jealous and he's a douche. The only way to figure it out is to sit with those feelings and start sorting through them. Sometimes it's helpful to tell your spouse that you have a bad twinge about the guy but acknowledge that this might be your own internal thing. Then she has the information of a potential douche alert, that you are uncomfortable but you realize your reaction might be caused by jealousy and/or insecurity. She can then decide to keep a closer eye on the guy, ask what can reassure you, or any number of options.

Finally, and somewhat tongue in cheek, change your user name. 'Nooneparticular' is sad. You are someone, your wife thinks you are cool. Your username should reflect your uniqueness - what you have to offer. If you think of yourself as no one special, well, that's who you will attract - no one special. So pick something from your life that you think is nifty - everyone has at least one thing about themselves that is awesome - and create a username around that. Of course, you also don't need to go the opposite braggart route - i.e. SuperSparklyPenisGOD - but put your best foot forward. (Babes love this.)

nooneparticular 11-23-2011 05:07 PM

Thanks Opal,

We are trying to join a poly meet up, but so far no luck. Im already trying the online dating scene, and even that's tough. Im terrible at small talk.

As far as the new guy goes I think it's a combo. I can't pin down some of what bugs me about him, but I do have some specific issues with him that I've spoken to my wife about. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to find the things that bother me about people and he is the subject of my study.

My user name was meant to be a bit of a joke, but you're probably right and it likely fell flat. I'm guessing SUITABLEMATE might not work so well either. I'm not much of a creative type, so I'll have to give it some thought.

I will dig through the forums and try to find some threads that other guys have posted. In th mean time I would appreciate any links that anyone might have.

nycindie 11-23-2011 07:57 PM

Just remember, it's not a race.

You two have just started your poly journey. So, just because you are both now open to additional relationships doesn't mean: "We both must find someone now! At the same time! What she gets, I get!"

I know a guy who didn't find a girlfriend until two years after his wife found her boyfriend. That afforded him lots of time to adjust to polyamory. Generally women will have an easier time finding potential partners than men will. Both of you do not need to both find people to be in relationship with at the same time to keep up or be "equal" with each other. Though I do understand the impatience, it may be better for you both to allow for some adjustment after one of you finds an additional partner, and let the changes in your dynamic sink in before barreling into additional relationships with both guns blazing. Why? Because poly is new to you and just one of you finding an additional partner will change the dynamic between the two of you right away. Imagine having two additional partners from the get-go. There will be NRE to handle, unexpected emotions, and working out schedules, and who knows what else will come up.

Take each small step slowly. Ease into it and don't worry about trying to get past your awkwardness sooner than you're really ready for just because your wife is having a response from other guys right away. That doesn't matter. You are two unique individuals and have your own pace, energies, and needs. The right relationships will happen in their own time, when things fall into place the way they should. Really! You can't force these things. It could be several months before you meet a woman open to being with a married poly guy.

Also consider how crappy it would feel to a potential girlfriend if she senses that you're only interested in her to keep up with your wife in having a certain number of lovers. Ick. I know, for myself, I want to be with a guy who wants to be with me because he enjoys my company, is totally turned on by being around me, wants to see me again, and is interested in getting to know me better. I don't want to be someone's prize. So, if you meet a woman you're interested in, try to let go of any franticness you may be feeling to keep pace with your wife, and then just talk to her like she's a human being (we are, you know). ;) Be patient. If you are basically a happy person, you will attract all kinds of wonderful people and opportunities to you.

nooneparticular 11-23-2011 08:33 PM

I guess some of my frustration comes from the fact that I found someone and can no longer pursue them due to spousal interference on their side. I really don't want to interfere with her relationship partially because of that. I know it's not a race, I just feel ready to find someone and now that I am nobody is talking to me. I've talked with some really wonderful people and been shot down. I've always been a bit shy around women. I've been reading a lot about poly, jealousy, and NRE. Started before we did anything in fact. It is exciting as hell and equally frightening.

Sorry if I write in blocks, posting from my phone.

nycindie 11-23-2011 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooneparticular (Post 112372)
I know it's not a race, I just feel ready to find someone and now that I am nobody is talking to me. I've talked with some really wonderful people and been shot down. I've always been a bit shy around women.

You and your wife just started looking for other partners, correct? What has it been, a few weeks? To say that now you are ready but no one is talking to you... how much time have you given it? It could take months, as I said before. It could even take years before you meet someone with whom a meaningful relationship takes hold. Patience is key.

Dating = rejection. You need to get used to being turned down more often than something starting up if you are going to date. That's just the way it is. So maybe you need to find a way to develop a thicker skin right now. It's okay to be shy. Shy people still meet other people, but being overly sensitive will only make you feel worse.

What are some of the things you like to do, places you like going to? Try meeting people who might have a shared interest with you.

hyperskeptic 11-23-2011 11:09 PM

I'm in a very similar situation.

My wife and I opened up last March, she has had a number of dates, and came close to developing a much closer relationship with a friend of ours, which went sour because he wasn't being honest with his wife. (If she's lucky, she may salvage the friendship.) She also has a couple of "cuddle buddies" - guys she's close enough to to hug and hold, but nothing more than that - one in town, one LDR.

Me? I have a burning crush on someone inaccessible to me (for a variety of reasons), and not much else. (In the case of the woman in question, even talking to her about the crush would be ethically fraught, under the circumstances. It's complicated.)

I'm on OKCupid, but find the whole process of internet dating slightly creepy or, at least, skewed in its priorities, and I haven't drawn much interest there, either.

I think what others said here is about right: let it take time. Because of our newfound openness, my relationship with my wife is warmer (and hotter) than ever, and I am very busy in my professional life and in my side line as a musician.

What I've come to understand is that, for me, the point of being poly is not necessarily to have a lot of intimate relationships right away . . . though, to be honest, I caught myself thinking that way in the first flush of polyamory back in the spring: "I'm poly now! I'd better go out and get me a girlfriend!"

Instead, I now think, the point is to be open and attentive to other people, and to allow relationships to develop as they may. In my case, I need more practice in the basic skills of friendship, even leaving aside the trappings of conventional "romance".

To be needlessly metaphorical about the whole thing, I don't know where exactly where I am going, but it's an awfully interesting road . . .

redpepper 11-24-2011 07:10 PM

Try doing a tag search here for "dating" "dating sites" or anything else in the tag cloud that might look interesting. You can find the tags in the search engine on the toolbar above.

You could also check out the link in my sig. Its a site of calendars of events. If you find events in your area that don't have a calendar please pass on the link. Its meant to be useful to anyone wanting to host events publicly and anyone looking to find meet up.

Arrowbound 11-25-2011 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hyperskeptic (Post 112396)
What I've come to understand is that, for me, the point of being poly is not necessarily to have a lot of intimate relationships right away . . . though, to be honest, I caught myself thinking that way in the first flush of polyamory back in the spring: "I'm poly now! I'd better go out and get me a girlfriend!"

Instead, I now think, the point is to be open and attentive to other people, and to allow relationships to develop as they may. In my case, I need more practice in the basic skills of friendship, even leaving aside the trappings of conventional "romance".

To be needlessly metaphorical about the whole thing, I don't know where exactly where I am going, but it's an awfully interesting road . . .

This is exactly how I picture my own personal journey into dating, whenever I'm ready to begin. I told my husband I'm more interested in building a friendship, above all else, and seeing where it goes from there. I want as little pressure as possible with and for anyone I set my sights on.


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