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-   -   Monogamous in a Polyamorous relationship…Oh boy..here we go! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=176)

MonoVCPHG 04-24-2009 04:58 AM

Monogamous in a Polyamorous relationship…Oh boy..here we go!
First off let me state that I do not assume to have any great insight or words of wisdom based on years of experience in polyamory. I only want to relay my experience from my perspective as a monogamous person in a polyamorous relationship.

I was in a monogamous relationship and married for 16 years but as a result of my own poor decisions was separated with no option for reconciliation. That is not the issue here but sets the stage. I had reached a point in my life where I felt I could never offer myself to anyone in more than a physical sense. I thought I would be ok with that as a lot of traditionally married men feel they could screw anyone, anywhere, anytime without any thought because it is just sex and that they are being restrained.

Using a popular dating sight I engaged in two casual and very different sexual experiences. One was purely curiosity with a couple that were looking to play and the other was with a woman who was in an open relationship looking for casual sex. Both were good experiences as I was fortunate in finding nice people. Both were also not what I expected in the area of sexual fulfilment. It was not that the people were not adventurous by any means. The energy simply was not there...it was empty, underwhelming and more like a moderately entertaining hobby. I was a huge disappointment to myself because I felt I was not the bed hopping man whore everyone thought I would and should be. I use “man whore” in the most respectful of ways, I am in fact jealous of anyone that can play casually and get enough excitement to be fulfilled. I was, however, still determined to search for a casual sex partner because that’s what I thought single guys should want. I mean we’re talking casual sex here!

I was repeatedly drawn to one woman who talked of much more than an open relationship or casual encounter although obviously a potentially very sexual relationship. I stumbled my way into a meeting with her and bang!..there it was…immediate connection. I opened up and spoke to her about things I never told my closest of friends. She felt it too. She was very clear on her love style, her happy and devoted family life and her approach to relationships. I had never heard of polyamorous relationships before. I understood swinging and open relationships, but not one involving multiple loves. I am not going to drag out the blur of emotions and times spent together that lead to me falling in love with her, getting to know and also love her husband, becoming a friend to her son and parents or how my new circle of friends had full awareness of our relationship. I want to relay the internal struggle that was waged inside me and could only be overcome through honesty and communication.

She has a husband and two other prominent intimate friends. She also had what I thought to be other potential sexual partners she was communicating with. I need to be absolutely clear that I am fundamentally a monogamous person in a polyamorous relationship. I only want to share intimacy with her because it is full of overwhelming energy generated by deep connection. I need that to become truly excited…sigh…such a disappointment. Now I also need to be clear that I fully understand compersion and feel it 100% towards her husband. Her family and marriage is paramount to me. I would reshape my love for her in an instant if I threatened either. I would still love her and she would continue to be my best and most trusted friend, but I would not permit myself to be an intimate sexual partner and reduce the time I spend with her to alleviate the problem if I was indeed the source. I could spend a great deal of time explaining the respect and awe I have in both the depth of her husband’s love for her and in the strength I felt in their connection. Without either I would not have been able to follow this incredible path.

I, at first, had to overcome my fear of her other intimate friends. Although our relationship is much deeper in the sense of being life long partners, they are still intimate parts of her life and very important. Of course there are the usual sexual concerns of inadequacy, penis size and sexual vigour that I got hung up on. I still ask for her to censor the details about those aspects of her other relationships although it differs in intensity depending on the partner. She finds it hard to relate to this because it is no big deal to her. Again we differ here a lot! With a few possible exceptions, I am not the kind of person who gets excited at the prospect or image of someone having sex with my partner. My level of compersion is not anywhere near that developed LOL! In order for me to be more comfortable and certainly less threatened I had to meet them to know that there was a true friendship and caring towards her. I cannot stand the idea of her being used and by meeting both of them I was able to confirm that these were indeed good friendships. I always feel sheepish after these first meetings because I know she brings good people into her life. Some people may say her other relationships are not my business but as a life long committed partner, it is my business and also a requirement for my own healthy involvement in this relationship. I am a protective person..not possessive. I would do what I could to protect her entire family and certainly would not appreciate someone just wanting to get laid.

These meetings were very casual and involved differing levels of comfort. One partner I am completely at ease with and have gone dancing and just hung out with casually. The other I am somewhat less comfortable with only because I am jealous of his casual nature towards sexual play and experiencing that aspect of new people. I don’t want that and find it threatening in the sense that it may leave my partner wanting or feel like she is missing out because of my issue with casual play. I fully understand the possibility of new relationships in her life but expect them to be meaningful and bring something of value to her life. Of course her idea of value and mine don’t have to align! Casual sex with other men would honestly hurt me a lot because I illogically cannot accept that it could be just a fun activity. I know this is based on my own casual experiences, which were disappointing, but regardless that’s how I feel. If I could change it, believe me, I would!!

Open communication between me and her and her husband has made this relationship work. We fully expect it to continue working and develop into a lifelong partnership that is amazing and full of growth, love and excitement. Will there be challenges? You had better believe it! My own nature of monogamy interacting in a polyamorous relationship generates a lingering fear of being replaced, becoming less than I am now, unexciting and will lead to her searching for another…me. For the longest time I asked myself a question constantly; “Am I strong enough to be in this relationship?’ The answer was always yes. I still make a point of asking myself this every day just to keep grounded, but I find myself forgetting lately which is a very good sign.

If someone who is monogamous asked me for advice about becoming involved in a polyamorous relationship my advice would be simple. If you feel you could love the person a little – Don’t even consider it. Explain it to them and walk away before they fall in love with you. A polyamorous lover will have a hard time understanding why you feel threatened or inadequate or that you feel you are losing them whenever they mention even the most innocent of friends and certainly a potential lover or playmate. You will most likely be in a constant state of fear or unintentionally try to suppress the person you love. You will definitely feel a level of jealousy that will twist your stomach and make you feel physically ill and trapped. You will get hurt and inevitably hurt them as well. And trust me, a truly polyamorous person loves in a way that is extremely deep. They will get hurt bad. Above all, never feel like the polyamorous person has any less to lose than you. You have to be prepared to feel a little on the outside when in a group setting with other polyamorous people, or even a lot on the outside. You also can feel very special and a little misunderstood or hard to figure out, which I actually like.

If you want me to say “go for it” you had better love that person with all your heart, genuinely care about the other people in their life and understand that you will constantly be challenged, constantly need to be completely open, constantly need to live in your emotions and theirs. You will still feel fear and jealousy. But if you love them enough to accept the differences between monogamous and polyamorous approaches to loving than you will be rewarded with possibly the most open and deep relationship you can imagine. I certainly have. I am happy and full of wonder at what the future holds.

I am growing all the time, being challenged and sharing in something that is immense. I always expect to be in this polyamorous relationship but never expect to be polyamorous. I always expect my partner will love her oddball monogamous boyfriend and never expect her to expect me to be anything other than monogamous. I am truly blessed.

Quath 04-24-2009 05:47 AM

Thanks for sharing your story. :)

River 04-24-2009 01:58 PM


Yes, thanks for sharing your story.

The lack of paragraph breaks make it VERY difficult for me to read that post. Could you please use the edit button and introduce paragraph breaks? If only for me. I had to stop reading at some point.... I get lost in a field of text with no breaks.

redpepper 04-27-2009 06:03 AM

I am happy and full of wonder at what the future holds too oddball boyfriend. I love your sharing our life on here. I am the one who is truly blessed to have found you after such a long search.

MonoVCPHG 04-27-2009 06:30 AM

We could argue who is more blessed for the rest of time...we are extremely fortunate..all of us..I'd like to say I couldn't love you more but each day I do :) XOXOXO

MonoVCPHG 06-16-2009 02:59 PM

Hi all. I am adding the following comment made on another topic to my original thread on here as it pretains to the development of my mono/poly relationship. It varies a bit form the original and I hope I don't sound like I am repeating myself LOL!.

Originally Posted by Quath
Probably the biggest issue is worring about losing a partner to another or feeling less desirable.

My response
I admit this was at first my main concern when I entered a polyamorous relationship as a monogamous person. I absolutely have no fear of losing my partner (being replaced) now, as I feel totally loved and special.

My biggest area of concern is my approach towards sex and the value I associate towards it. This is a very big issue for me and causes me a great deal of stress when in group poly meetings where everyone's approach to sex/physical intimacy within relationships is different and generally not in line with my own. This is not about right or wrong, but about what I would be able to function in. 9 out of 10 times the answer I come up with is "not in my lifetime" LOL!!

The primary issue here is that I have no control over the affects some things have on my energy. I worry that my reaction to something or fear of reacting will hold us back in the develpoment of our relationship and in her being fulfilled. Redpepper sees right through me and I am getting better at discussing things without actualy letting them influence me in real time...not perfect, but better:) I feel bad for her in some ways..such a sensitive boyfriend LOL!!

This is an interesting and pivotal challenge for me, as well as for Redpepper, as we move towards the future and see how our relationship shapes. Not only will this define my relationship with her, but it also influences my ability to feel comfortable and healthy in my social interactions with people in the poly community. Communication is the key as (as you said Quath) and Redpepper, her husband and me definitely communicate.

Hope this is beneficial to someone..Redpepper, her family and me are doing great and I am still in awe of this whole experience!

Merricat 06-24-2009 05:25 PM

This is such a beautiful story! *wipes tear*

Erato 11-08-2009 01:01 AM

I'm really happy for you, Mono and Redpepper.

Mono: I've been reading a lot of your posts, I'm finding them really helpful. Thank you so much for all your writing/sharing on this forum. I've also found your girlfriend's posts very useful.

MonoVCPHG 11-09-2009 05:53 AM

Thanks Erato....I haven't read this post in a long while. It takes me back to one of the most exciting and painful periods of my life. I am so grateful to have Redpepper and her family in my life. I hate thinking back to the times we almost lost a part of our relationship.

Take care

Vexxed 12-06-2010 05:57 AM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 565)
I, at first, had to overcome my fear of her other intimate friends. Although our relationship is much deeper in the sense of being life long partners, they are still intimate parts of her life and very important. Of course there are the usual sexual concerns of inadequacy, penis size and sexual vigour that I got hung up on. I still ask for her to censor the details about those aspects of her other relationships although it differs in intensity depending on the partner. She finds it hard to relate to this because it is no big deal to her.

The woman that I'm in a relationship with is more likely to sensor the sexual info. I feel frustrated by that. I prefer to know details and tackle my feelings head on.

Any other members feel the same way?

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