Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   2 Issues (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17465)

caragh87 11-21-2011 06:28 AM

2 Issues
 
To put it simply, my poly partner cheated.
He has 2 girlfriends, me and another partner and he slept with an ex a week ago. I caught him out.. he confessed, is regretful and will have no contact with her in the immediate future as she still wishes to be with him (probably didn't help that he slept with her AGAIN as its been months and months)

I am devestated, and I feel like a hypocrit for being upset because I believe in poly and what we are doing.... but I am just so upset and angry.
I moved her 4 weeks ago to be with him, and he couldn't stop himself 3 weeks in.

Any advice on how to deal?


So my partner also has another partner, we have all been together the same amount of time but she lived in the same place, where as we did long distance and eventually decided to take it to the next level.

We get on okay, and I respect their relationship and time together.

When I moved we discussed how it would work and I thought only fair that he split his nights evenly as possible in a month with both of us.
But he and I work togerther, so most days we spent 8+ hours in the office together and although we aren't smooching.. its nice to be in the same place as someone that you love.
So I agreed FOR NOW while she adjusts to sharing him more, because I live with him.. that he has 4 nights with her and 3 with me.
I am not that unhappy or happy with the situation just indifferent.
However I wanted weekends to be split, as in rotating friday/saturday night as I did not move 8 hours to spend every Saturday night alone.

Well that hasn't happened for the last 3 weeks, and now he's just sprung on me that she has plans next Saturday night.

I am quite livid, especially with the recent cheating episode (he hasn't told her, and wont at my advice because she'd probably have a break down and i feel like i've handled it.. please don't judge)

So yes, I am at the point where I feel like I need to put her in her place, that she can't just plan things every Saturday night and assume that he will be there. It's not respectful to our relationship.
I am also angry at him because he wont "put her in her place" essentially and just tell her that she doesn't always get what she wants.

So in any case, I've ended up with a really shitty roster this weekend of Monday, Thursday, Friday.


Does anyone have any advice on how or who I should talk about this with.
He keeps saying that it "just happens" but I feel their is more too it.

With regards to the cheating, am I being too easy to forgive him for his mistake? I really love him and want to make this work but I feel so shitty.

Magdlyn 11-21-2011 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by caragh87 (Post 111910)
To put it simply, my poly partner cheated.
He has 2 girlfriends, me and another partner and he slept with an ex a week ago. I caught him out.. he confessed, is regretful and will have no contact with her in the immediate future as she still wishes to be with him (probably didn't help that he slept with her AGAIN as its been months and months)

I am devestated, and I feel like a hypocrit for being upset because I believe in poly and what we are doing.... but I am just so upset and angry.
I moved her 4 weeks ago to be with him, and he couldn't stop himself 3 weeks in.

Any advice on how to deal?

Welcome to the board.

First of all, cheating on you and the other gf by having sex with an ex is not poly, it's just cheating. So you are not a hypocrite.

How long have you been in a relationship with this guy, long distance? How long has he been seeing the other gf? More than a year?

Quote:

So my partner also has another partner, we have all been together the same amount of time but she lived in the same place, where as we did long distance and eventually decided to take it to the next level.

We get on okay, and I respect their relationship and time together.

When I moved we discussed how it would work and I thought only fair that he split his nights evenly as possible in a month with both of us.
But he and I work togerther, so most days we spent 8+ hours in the office together and although we aren't smooching.. its nice to be in the same place as someone that you love.
So I agreed FOR NOW while she adjusts to sharing him more, because I live with him.. that he has 4 nights with her and 3 with me.
I am not that unhappy or happy with the situation just indifferent.
However I wanted weekends to be split, as in rotating friday/saturday night as I did not move 8 hours to spend every Saturday night alone.

Well that hasn't happened for the last 3 weeks, and now he's just sprung on me that she has plans next Saturday night.

I am quite livid...
Yes, I don't see why you 3 can't arrange to make sure you get 2 Sat nights a month, and she gets 2, if that is important to you.

Quote:

especially with the recent cheating episode (he hasn't told her, and wont at my advice because she'd probably have a break down and i feel like i've handled it.. please don't judge)
No judgment, but if the other gf is as close to him as you are, why doesn't she have a right to know how her bf slipped? That's pretty huge. She has a right to know and deal with the idea he is untrustworthy to keep his cock in his pants.

Quote:

So yes, I am at the point where I feel like I need to put her in her place, that she can't just plan things every Saturday night and assume that he will be there. It's not respectful to our relationship.
I am also angry at him because he wont "put her in her place" essentially and just tell her that she doesn't always get what she wants.

So in any case, I've ended up with a really shitty roster this weekend of Monday, Thursday, Friday.
"Putting her in her place" is a bit of an odd phrase. Does your bf spend the night with her when he sees her those 4 nights a week?

Quote:

Does anyone have any advice on how or who I should talk about this with.
He keeps saying that it "just happens" but I feel their is more too it.
Time sharing arrangements are key in polyamory. It sounds like your bf is being dismissive of your desire for Saturday nights with him. But why wouldnt a Friday night be just as much fun as a Saturday night?
Quote:

With regards to the cheating, am I being too easy to forgive him for his mistake? I really love him and want to make this work but I feel so shitty.
Hard to say. 2 gfs and, I assume, plenty of sex with you 2, and he still gets tempted by and succumbs to an ex who still wants to be with him? What's up with that?

zylya 11-21-2011 05:03 PM

Maybe I'm misreading the situation, but I'm not seeing a whole load of communication going on here.

You ask us not to judge that you're telling your boyfriend to willingly conceal information from his other girlfriend, but then you get mad at her because she's taking a certain night... it just sounds like noone's talking to each other here, or that you're all going through the boyfriend and he's not managing to get the right messages accross.

Have you met this girl? Are you all actively communicating to each other? Does she know that you want Saturdays or are you just hoping your boyfriend will sort it all out.

One of my personal "rules" in poly is that if I want communication expressed, then I express it myself. If you rely on other people to communicate for you, then messages get mixed and your interests aren't taken care of.

Also, what's so good about Saturday that isn't good about Friday?

caragh87 11-21-2011 09:07 PM

So confused.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 111933)
Welcome to the board.

First of all, cheating on you and the other gf by having sex with an ex is not poly, it's just cheating. So you are not a hypocrite.

How long have you been in a relationship with this guy, long distance? How long has he been seeing the other gf? More than a year?

We've been together about 18 months, but it has only really gotten serious in the last 9 months. With lots of travelling back and forth.
I then decided for a number of reasons to move to the same state as him.



Yes, I don't see why you 3 can't arrange to make sure you get 2 Sat nights a month, and she gets 2, if that is important to you.

His other partner W more so tolerates the concept of what we are doing, rather than accepting and being understanding of the situation? If that makes sense. So decisions are made separetly and not in a group.


No judgment, but if the other gf is as close to him as you are, why doesn't she have a right to know how her bf slipped? That's pretty huge. She has a right to know and deal with the idea he is untrustworthy to keep his cock in his pants.

To put it simply, she wouldn't cope. She tolerates the poly situation but ideally is not happy with it? I have a feeling he may tell her eventually, but he wanted to tell me from the moment that he did it we just have more of an understanding in that way.


"Putting her in her place" is a bit of an odd phrase. Does your bf spend the night with her when he sees her those 4 nights a week?

It sounds like a negative phrase I guess,but she was used to spending 6-7 nights a week with him for 18 months as well, so now shes adjusting to getting 4 nights a week, in a way he is unwilling to upset her by letting her know we have to have some kind of schedule to make it fair. And so yes he does spend the 4 nights at her house, because we live together. Sometimes he stays the night at our place with her and they have a bedroom.. but its only been used once or twice in the last few weeks.


Time sharing arrangements are key in polyamory. It sounds like your bf is being dismissive of your desire for Saturday nights with him. But why wouldnt a Friday night be just as much fun as a Saturday night?

I do believe he is being dismissive of my request but at the same time he says he agrees with me about sharing weekends. The thing with Saturday vs Friday is we work long hours, by friday night after a 40 hour+ week we are tired & its hard to plan things when all you want to do is vege out... by Saturday night we have recovered a bit and are up for doing more things.

Hard to say. 2 gfs and, I assume, plenty of sex with you 2, and he still gets tempted by and succumbs to an ex who still wants to be with him? What's up with that?

There is plenty of sex from my end, and they also swing with other couples so I guess plenty of sex in that scenario but not a whole bunch of one on one sex. I am pissed he put himself in a situation where he would have sex with the ex because if they had just met up for a drink or gone to a movie there would most likely be a whole lot less temptation. In all honesty.. I don't get it, he has begged me to stay and promised he wont talk to this other girl and has told her that things are never going to happen that he doesn't want anything more than a friendship.. she again feels put aside and disgaured and I don't think thats something that will help her let go of the feelings she has for him.
She feels entitled to him because she has known him longer than both me and W, and in a way I think because of how much he has hurt her in the past, he feels like he owes her something?
It wasn't just sex, and I am aware of that, and I don't know which hurts more.

caragh87 11-21-2011 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zylya (Post 111967)
Maybe I'm misreading the situation, but I'm not seeing a whole load of communication going on here.

You ask us not to judge that you're telling your boyfriend to willingly conceal information from his other girlfriend, but then you get mad at her because she's taking a certain night... it just sounds like noone's talking to each other here, or that you're all going through the boyfriend and he's not managing to get the right messages accross.

Have you met this girl? Are you all actively communicating to each other? Does she know that you want Saturdays or are you just hoping your boyfriend will sort it all out.

One of my personal "rules" in poly is that if I want communication expressed, then I express it myself. If you rely on other people to communicate for you, then messages get mixed and your interests aren't taken care of.

Also, what's so good about Saturday that isn't good about Friday?


To explain it simply and how W has put it previously "I am not in a relationship with C, I am in a relationship with R and thats who I will discuss my relationship with"
She is not open to a whole lot of communication with me because she doesn't believe she should have too.
We have met and spent time together and normally its all sunshine and rainbows, but our interactions are very superficial and I don't see us building any kind of great bond because we just aren't connected that way, we are so different.

I get what your saying about not having to rely on my partner to communicate with her, but I just feel that if I brought the topic up with her, that she would get angry.

With regards to Friday Vs Saturday
After working a 40 hour week we are tired and get home quite late which prevents us most of the time from having the desire to do anything.. By Saturday we have recovered and are ready to go out and do something.. I don't know most people say its much of a muchness but spending every Saturday night alone in a new town isn't fun.

nycindie 11-21-2011 10:22 PM

The first thing I notice is that you and your bf's other gf don't talk to each other. You let your bf be the go-between, and you get all info second-hand. I think things might get better if you two are communicating and the three of you have get-togethers and regular meetings to discuss issues like this.

Amitrye 11-21-2011 11:22 PM

It sounds as though you are resentful of feeling like the secondary in the relationship. Are you the secondary or are you co-primaries? That may be something to work through in time.
Cindie was right btw. You and the other gf should be spending some time together and communicating with each other- not just with him. Have you spent time talking to her?
I think it's good that you considered her feelings and gave her 4 nights a week, but understand also that if you resent considering her feelings and you bottle that up you could say something you might regret.
She is a part of his life (as much as you are) and although in most instances I would say let them work through their issues together this concerns both of you. I would approach her and talk to her about the many issues you all have. Tell her how you feel that she gets more or better quality time than you, tell her that you know how hard this is for her and thank her for being able to accept you in her life, get to know her, etc. Most importantly, do NOT keep this secret from her.
Find time to sit down with the two of them and talk about this issue. How would you feel if you were in her shoes and didn't know? You would feel bad if she hid this from you. If nothing else, telling her yourself will build trust between the two of you.

caragh87 11-21-2011 11:38 PM

I wish that I could tell her, I really do.
But I can't.

I didn't betray her trust, he did.

She was SO confident that he would never cheat, so very very sure that he wouldn't do it and he did. And I feel like its not my responsibility to break that too her.

I don't think that their relationship would survive, and I can't be the one to decide that by opening my mouth.

I sound like a bitch but I can't :(

They both really struggle with the notion that their relationship dynamic affects me personally, and it affects my relationship with R.


Also I responded to both the comments from earlier today, but they were moderated and havent appeared. Is that supposed to happen?

rosephase 11-22-2011 01:45 AM

I have a few questions:

Is either you or W considered his “primary” or are both of your relationships with him considered equal?

You knew that W was tolerating the idea of your relationship with him when you decided to move to a different state and move in with him?

Are you willing to be in a relationship with someone who hides information from his partners?

What are the future plans for these relationships (yours and your boyfriends, you boyfriends and Ws)? You live with your boyfriend now and he spend half of his nights with his other partner is that the plan in the future? Are any of you the marrying having kids types?

When he had sex with his ex did he use protection?

What are your safer sex agreements between the three of you?

What do you want this relationship to look like? Be honest would you rather he not be dating W? Would you rather be monogamous? Would you rather have 80% of his time? (knowing what you want and would like out of the relationship is important in moving forward)

caragh87 11-22-2011 02:10 AM

W would consider herself the primary partner, R and I consider us to be equal, its as though we let her think that to make her happy? I know it sounds bag

Yes I was aware she was tolerating the relationship. She wishes he would be monogamous but understands that he is poly.

I don't like the ideal that he hides things from his partners no.


He already has kids (complicated situation he doesn't see them) he doesn't wish to have any more children and W believes that she doesn't want children either. Must note I am 24, W is 30 and R is 41.
I want kids, and will have them eventually either on my own, or with another partner.


The ex he had sex with is very strict with protection, so I assumed but didn't ask.

No we don't. Other than if they swing they have protected sex with all parties.

With regards to what the relationship would look like. I would be lying if I said I rather he not be dating W but not because I want him to myself.I don't believe shes the right fit for a poly relationship, and I believe she is changing or tolerating the situation and in doing so is altering her core belief system and this is hurting her significantly. But at the same time they love each other so much, thats not something I can deny. She accepts that I am here and I am in it for the long haul, not just short term.

R knows she is not the right fit and he is by no means forcing her to stay, she has left before and in the last year has never been gone for more than a few hours total.

Ideally I would like a more open and functional relationship with all parties, I don't need him more than 50% of the time, nor do I want that. I just want closer to 50 % if that makes sense.

I believed that me moving here, and us getting into this situation would help to fill an emptiness and sadness that he has inside his heart from not seeing his children. But I also partly believe things are more complicated now that I am here, and he didn't forsee all these issues and is struggling to deal with them.
He wanted to get away for the night and from everything and he cheated. Not that its an excuse, I am still really really angry and dissapointed.



All times are GMT. The time now is 05:33 PM.