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smilnlol 04-23-2009 05:25 PM

It is kind of a funny story how I have came to join this site. My husband(Quath) has been active in Polyamory in his past relationships but I have not. Over the years ( married 5 together 7) I have been open and supportive as my husband told me all about his life and the life in a polyamourous relationships. I have no problems with the life style except I don't believe it is for me. So long story short, I wanted a puppy so I promised I would join a polyamory site if he let me get a puppy. I know, it sounds bad but here I am, good to my word. I am feeling like this life isn't for me which is really hard for my hubby. I don't like to share. lol I am willing to listen, research and stay open. Glad to be here.
: )
ps I am pretty new at online forums. Please excuse any faux pas.

River 04-23-2009 09:19 PM


Originally Posted by smilnlol (Post 559)
I don't like to share.

Can you say more about that, your not liking to "share"? Do you fear some sort of loss if you share? What belief do you have about sharing, about loving..., that underlies your not liking to share?

Maybe this will start with a puppy and lead to a pony!

smilnlol 04-23-2009 10:04 PM

I was being a bit facetious/sarcastic when I said I don't like to share. I have two teenage daughters, I share things I don't want too. Ha

I will elaborate for you. When I think about my hubby with someone else I feel jealousy, yes, but also I feel loss. I don't want to lose the special and unique relationship my hubby has only with me. Fundamentally , it is selfishness and a strong love for my hubby that makes this hard for me. He has been telling me all about this life style for years. I have thought about this a lot. I don't see myself handling it in a healthy way. He keeps asking me to try this life style but I liken it to having another child. You don't just give it a go. This is a new life, a new person you are opening yourself and your entire family to. If you try it and it works, great, if it doesn't you are left with the drama, hurt or disease or what have you, of this experience. It doesn't just stop, it becomes who you are forever. Giving a little of myself away just to see how it goes doesn't sound very healthy.

Thanks for asking,

River 04-23-2009 10:41 PM


Originally Posted by smilnlol (Post 561)
I will elaborate for you. When I think about my hubby with someone else I feel jealousy, yes, but also I feel loss. I don't want to lose the special and unique relationship my hubby has only with me. Fundamentally, it is selfishness and a strong love for my hubby that makes this hard for me.

A couple of thoughts from my experience, limited as it has been...:

Every person is special and unique, therefore all relationships--comprised, as they are of people--are unique and special. Nothing can alter the specialness and uniqueness of a relationship between two people who love one another. It won't be any less special or unique if you or your hubby love another. It won't detract from the amount of love that exists between you. Love isn't like a pie that only has so many pieces to share. You won't get half a pie if your hubby loves another, or a third of a pie if your hubby loves two others.

Sometimes, in fact, the love between two members of a couple can expand and grow significantly when a third or fourth person comes into the picture. When my partner began to fully comprehend that I wasn't worried that I'd lose him when he began to open to another in love (and vice versa), and when that realization deepened within me in the experience, we opened to greater love with one another. There was more joy, more happiness, more love, greater trust and better communication. Nothing whatever became less or smaller! All the good things grew, expanded, proliferated.

Uniqueness and specialness. Everyone is unique and special. I love many people, some passionately, and each relationship is unique and special to me.
I have one lover, per se, at the time--my partner of 12 years--, but I do not fear that the specialness or uniqueness of our love will be threatened by either of us extending love to another, or even falling in love with another. That each of us trust each other and the the other's love enough to allow each other such freedom to love others without fear, guilt, shame..., is a blessing we give to one another.

Learning to love in this way takes time, but I think it is worth every bit of investment of thought, feeling, inquiry, communication.... Talk with your hubby heart-to-heart. He sounds like a "keeper". Go into this inquiry with big heart. Speak the truth of your hearts to one another. Maybe you'll decide that poly isn't for you. That's fine; that's great if that's the outcome. But don't have it all figured out in advance. None of us do.

Olivier 04-24-2009 03:07 AM

That was really beautiful Jrivermartin

yoxi 04-24-2009 11:26 AM

I'm not disagreeing with what anyone else has said here :) - just wanted to add that as a starting point, don't rush yourself or let yourself be rushed - don't let anyone (including yourself) tell you that you "shouldn't" be feeling how you are currently feeling about the situation (fear, curiosity, etc., whatever the mix is). There's a world of difference between opening to the possibility of feeling different about it on the one hand, and feeling obliged in some way to feel differently on the other.

River 04-24-2009 01:48 PM

Good point, Yoxi.

MonoVCPHG 04-27-2009 04:58 PM

I admire your love for your husband. You are a stronger person than me.

redpepper 04-28-2009 07:49 AM

I can see how you would think that trying out poly would be like "having another child... you don't just give it a go." I totally agree. Like anything that happens in life we are forever changed by change. Still there comes a time when it is change or die... in this case allow change or your relationship may die. That is scary. I feel for you having to deal with this. It could really go one way or another. I remember back to the time when my husband and were deciding whether or not we should get back into poly after a break for about 5 years. Ok, the decision was no were near as difficult, but the "what if's" certainly were there ready to consume us with immobilizing fear. We had to change in the end and chose to search for a poly lifestyle again. if we didn't our relationship would have died out .

River 04-28-2009 01:10 PM

Two primary things make transitioning from mono- to poly- much easier while in a couple.

The first is having a solid enough loving relationship with good enough communication (I threw in the 'enough') because we're all human and few of us have the ideal or perfect in these dimensions.

The second thing which helps tremendously is for both partners in the couple to practice, regularly, examining their unconsciously held and unexamined beliefs about love and sex and family and all of that. If one believes, somewhere in their psyche, that only monogamous couples can and do "really" or "fully" love one another, one is obviously going to experience fear of loss of love in transitioning to poly-. Bringing the many very specific beliefs about love and relationships we've been living in accord with into conscious awareness and asking "But is that true?" about each of them is a powerfully transformative practice, especially when one is willing to do this with serious engagement and radical self-honesty.

There are quite a number of primary beliefs which most people in our culture subscribe to which are flat out false. Learn how to test them for truth and falsity. Belief example: "If I have two lovers I must have only half as much love to give to each as if I had only one lover." (... and a third as much if I have three lovers.) Learn to see what sorts of metaphors or analogies are at play. In this case, the analogy is false, thus rendering the whole premise false. The analogy here is to pie, cake, pizza.... It is true with pie, cake, and pizza that if I share a pie with three others fairly I must divide it into fourths--that is, if everyone wants an equal proportion.

When we think of love as a commodity or substance which is limited in supply, like a pie, we fundamentally misunderstand the power of love to expand when given -- quite the opposite of the behavior of pie. We also fail to take into account the success stories of polyamorous people who often report having their love grow for their first (chronologically) love while opening to another lover as well.

It is true that time is like pie in that it isn't unlimited in supply. If you work a busy week and most of your available "free time" is on weekends or vacations, that's quantifiable and limited. Sadly. But a loving person with two lovers will naturally do her/his best to spend plenty of quality time with his/her lovers.

I suppose the basic essence of this second item on my list of things we can do to smooth our transition to poly- from mono- is about subjecting our cultural conditioning and indoctrination--which is lodged in our emotions without our knowledge or consent--to self-honest rational inquiry. That's always a good thing to do with beliefs of the present-but-unexamined sort.

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