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jcdlove 11-20-2011 06:58 AM

New to Trinogamy
 
Hello,
I am a gay male who has been with my husband for almost 10 years and have been married for 3 years legally. We have four beautiful children. Both my husband and I have a strong relationship with each other for the most part. We live for our kids. Keeping the story short, we met a beautiful younger man who we were attracted to. Nothing happened until we met him a month later. We hired him to work for our company but at the same time we have developed a relationship that is evolving emotionally each day. I never that that I could love two people at the same time nor did I ever that I would be in a trinogamous relationship. I can't say that it is based on sex...sex is great and this relationship allowed my husband and I to revive our sex life. But it is the intimacy and the emotional bond that we are all developing. It's amazing but there definitely are some growing pains. We are all going to "trouples" therapy which has been helpful...we are serious about making this work. We are all living together.

I do need some advice...I am by nature a jealous person...my fear is being left out...my husband also admitted to that too. We do a lot of talking...acknowledging each others feelings....we always consider the other person's feelings. I would love to know how people deal with the jealousy aspect of this relationship?

This is an amazing experience though..
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ImaginaryIllusion 11-21-2011 06:01 PM

Welcome to the Forum.

samhain31069 11-21-2011 08:36 PM

I am probably unique in that I have ever had to deal with jealousy. I have been practicing REBT/Cognitive therapy techniques for so long that I've changed how I view things like this in my life. I'd say this - You feel the way you think. If those thoughts are negative (What if he leaves me? Is he better than I am? Will he love him more than me?) then you are obviously going to have an acute emotional reaction to those things.

Try and remember why you and your hubby are together and change these negative thoughts into positive reinforcing ones (Isn't it great how this as invigorated our sex life? Wow I can obviously love two people so must my husband and boyfriend! My Husband sure loves me to be able to share our marriage with another person so intimately).

Hope that gave insight.

AnnabelMore 11-22-2011 12:47 AM

Great resources on dealing with jealousy here: www.morethantwo.com.

Just keep talking and listening and you'll be ok. :)

jcdlove 11-26-2011 04:19 PM

Thank you for the great advice. I definitely need to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship. We are on a wonderful RV trip together and I am cherishing every moment of it.

The only time i cause any drama is when I feel that our boyfriend gives my husband more attention. I see the difference in how he acts with my husband. I know my husband and I are two different people and our boyfriend is going to respond differently to the both of us... I sound like I am in grade school.

Last night our boyfriend and I went for a walk to chat and for the first time I really felt his love as we talked. I truly felt a true connection. During this time I was feeling bad because my husband wasn't there and I kept thinking about how I didn't want him to feel left out like I feel often. It was nice.

AnnabelMore 11-26-2011 04:45 PM

Just a quick word of advice. It's very important, as you've alluded, to understand that you're all different people and the relationships between you will be different and that's ok. They will develop in different rates at different times, and one-on-one time for any two of the three does not mean that the third person is being left out, but is rather a crucial part of building intimacy. I mean, imagine if you and your husband had never had any couple time just the two of you to develop your relationship?

If you insist, directly or indirectly, that your bf treat you and your husband exactly the same, you'll put a lot of undue pressure on him and everyone. Just let it be what it is.

I know I already linked this site, but let me recommend this essay in particular, more for your bf but also for you and the hubs: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

jcdlove 11-26-2011 05:59 PM

Thank you Annabel... You are absolutely right. I must stop taking things personal and trust that they love me as I love them. We have been through a lot of emotional growing pains and we are all still moving on. We are all going to "trouples" therapy with our therapist who has been with my husband I for nearly 9 years. I guess that is a good sign.

Storm 11-26-2011 10:52 PM

I don't really have any real advice to offer as I don't have any positive experience in this. But I will say that the one experience I did have was destroyed by jealously, possessiveness and the feelings of being left out. I think it is fantastic you all care enough about each other to go to therapy and deal with all this before it can screw things up for you all. And it's wonderful how much communication you have together. Your triad/trinogamy relationship is exactly what my partner and I hope for one day in the future. Best wishes to all three of you!

jcdlove 11-26-2011 11:53 PM

That's what I ao afraid that I am going to do... there are times I feel so alone because they have so much more in common and they seem to be closer to each other... I don't want to destroy it though... and I know I can.. what is the best way to handle the those feelings

AnnabelMore 11-27-2011 04:55 AM

When you say "they seem to be closer to each other" do you mean that the relationship between your husband and the bf is closer than the relationship between your husband and you, or that the relationship between your husband and the bf is closer than the relationship between you and the bf, or both?

Very different reactions will apply depending on which it is.

Also, you may want to consider posting to the New to Poly section if you're really struggling and want more advice? More advice-giving tends to happen there than here.


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