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-   -   Should I tell my wife? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17365)

Savage 11-19-2011 02:07 PM

Should I tell my wife?
I am new here, having read a load of posts I have decided I should prob seek your advice before doing anything I might regret.
I have been married to my amazing wife (Z) for over 10 years now and have been truthful and honest to her all the way. We have a 3yo child and one on the way :)
I have always felt that it is possible to love more than one person and have been in the past, my wife has never been into the idea, we have discussed my desires before, when I fell in love with a girl at work (A). I told my wife about her then but as she was not up for a 3 way relationship I decided to respect this and not persue my relationship with the other (that was very hard). I had also been honest with A - she knew I was interested but wanted to stay with my wife and would not entertain an affare. Once she even said she would be up for joining a 3 way relationship, but Z wasn't interested.

Recently I have been back in touch with A and it has made me realise I still have deep feelings for her.

I am having trouble deciding if I should avoid contact with A, suppress my feelings and continue with my mono relationship with Z. Or should I tell my wife what is going on inside my head and risk causing problems.

This dilemma is hurting my head, on the one hand I love my wife and don't want to risk our solid relationship by bringing the poly subject back up (especially given she is pregnant). On the other hand by not talking about it I am kinda being dishonest.

Thanks for reading and I greatly apreciate any advice.


SchrodingersCat 11-19-2011 07:51 PM

Could you be more specific on what you mean by a "three way relationship?"

The way it sounds to me is that A would move in with you and you would all be "one big happy family" but if your wife doesn't want another woman living in her house, then that's just not going to happen.

But that wouldn't necessarily rule out a "vee" relationship, i.e. you would be married to Z and in a relationship with A, but A and Z would not have to be bosom buddies.

Now you say that your wife is pregnant. I personally don't think this is the best time to be bringing this up. She's got a lot on her plate, she's hormonal, she needs to feel like the father of her unborn child is there for her 100%. I don't know when the best time would be, because obviously a newborn child will also consume a great deal of time and energy from both yourself and your wife, leaving less time and energy available for dating. But I've never been pregnant or a new mother, so perhaps someone who has been in those shoes could be more helpful in that respect.

AnnabelMore 11-19-2011 08:02 PM

If you're prepared to cut off contact with A, then there's no need to bring it up. But if you want to keep her in your life, and you have feelings for her, and you keep it all suppressed and a secret, some day you may find yourself having cheated and wondering "how did I get here?" It happened to me.

How far along is your wife's pregnancy? I'd guess that telling her this at two months would be very different than telling her at eight months.

A "threeway relationship" is the most complicated of all the types of relationships you could pursue, and should be considered only if all three people are genuinely very into each other, not as a panacea to jealousy. It doesn't work that way. But as SC pointed out above, a vee is perfectly possible if you and your wife can work it out. It's not an affair if it's on the up and up.

lifetake2 11-19-2011 08:08 PM

I can tell you that while pregnant or immediately after (ie 6 months) is NOT the time to imply you are not interested in your wife.

While you can say that is not the case, bringing up adding a 3rd she has already said no will likely make her feel that way.

My suggestion.....if you love your wife you need to cut the relationship with A back to work only. Don't allow yourself to go there until your wife is ready. And be prepared she may still say no.

If she continues to expect monogamy what will do you?

Carma 11-19-2011 08:22 PM

Are there crucial things missing in your relationship with your wife??? Be honest.

Sometimes that can be a good place to start, before you venture off into an affair that your wife is not open to. I agree, when she is pregnant, you are simply asking for some shit!

Shyliss 11-19-2011 08:42 PM

I believe that honesty is always best. in being honest you also have to be sensitive and considerate. your wife will sense that something has changed, you owe it to her to let her know what is happening.

just because you have feelings and desires for A does not mean that you do not have feelings and desires for Z. if your feelings for A are real, they will not just go away.

Savage 11-19-2011 11:21 PM

So much to think about, I haven't been sleeping properly since A contacted me on facebook.
SC - I was totally ready to have A move in with Z and myself when I first fell for A, that was what seemed to make perfect sense to me at the time. When I sat and had a chat with Z she appreciated my honesty and asked me not to talk about it as she did not want to share me.
At this point I had to dig deep and break the news to A that we could not be together and I had already had a loving relationship with Z.
Our friendship groups are small so we would often meet at partys, it was a hard time for us all but I was always completely open and honest with Z. and as time went by we saw less of A and my feelings for her subsided.

That was then, now I find myself arranging meeting for lunch with A on FB and the alarm bells started ringing, it was an innocent invitation but when she asked how Z would feel about me going for lunch I started to see a problem.

Then I started to realize that I might be poly so I started reading the net about it and the more I read the more things in my life make sense. I didn't know about being poly then, I just couldn't see why it was wrong to feel so connected and in love with two people at the same time. I wasn't having intimate physical contact with A, I just fell in love with her.

AM - Z is three months pregnant. I will have to stop myself from seeing A, doing so is only going to bring more pain for all again I guess. I hadn't given much consideration as to how a relationship would work, I have really just realized how I work and wondered should I discuss this with Z as I did so many years ago.

Carma - Interesting question, I love her completely she means the world to me. I have a much stronger sex drive than she does but I cope with that, I wouldn't want to cheat on her as I lover and respect her too much to play away when I feel frustrated. She has gone totally off sex since morning sickness kicked in. Bless her.

lifetake2 - You are right, now is not the time to start trying to work out a relationship restructure with Z, I appreciate that she needs me to be there for her now more than ever.

Shyliss - This is the bit that is giving me insomnia, just the act of telling her I think I am poly and have feelings for another is going to rock the boat. If I don't then that would be going against my inner honesty rules.

So I think there are two choices for me here:
1. I tell her, I tell her everything, especially the part where I still love her loads and dont wish to break up.

2. I dont tell her anything, break my honesty rule and try to get over A, again....

Thanks peeps for helping out, I feel I have someone I can talk to about this now and that helps a LOT.


AnnabelMore 11-20-2011 03:20 AM

Why not combine both options? Break off contact with A and tell Z everything, including the fact that you think you're poly but love her too much to force her into something that would make her unhappy, especially during this sensitive time, and so you cut A loose rather then get into a sticky situation again. Let her react to that and give her input. Maybe she'll be grateful, maybe she'll be mad that you brought it up at all, maybe she'll reconsider poly and do some reading, who knows. But you'll have been honest.

Anneintherain 11-20-2011 03:44 AM


Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 111718)
Why not combine both options? Break off contact with A and tell Z everything, including the fact that you think you're poly but love her too much to force her into something that would make her unhappy, especially during this sensitive time, and so you cut A loose rather then get into a sticky situation again. Let her react to that and give her input. Maybe she'll be grateful, maybe she'll be mad that you brought it up at all, maybe she'll reconsider poly and do some reading, who knows. But you'll have been honest.

Yep, what she said.

I used to suffer from, with my ex husband, a case of always being honest...until things got to a certain level with another person...my ex knew how I felt for the first 11 years, and what was happening in a sexual interest context with others, but at some point when he seemed to stop making an effort for our relationship, I stopped being 100% honest, and that's where the problems started.
Now HE wasn't being 100% honest with me ever since our relationship started 13 years earlier, I just assumed he was because I was, and I did nothing but talk about how we would always be honest about each other and our feelings about fidelity, etc.. What I regret now is that I stopped being totally transparent. I couldn't control his honesty, but I could have controlled mine, and I wish I had.

I'm still a bit confused about the reference to a three way relationship - do you mean a V? you're with A, you are married to Z but don't try to force a friendship or intimate relationship between them? You want threesomes? You want to be with Z, with A, and they have to be good friends so you feel good about your desires? Is Z allowed to date and fall in love with others? Is A? In this case with a pregnant wife I'd say SLOW SLOW SLOW. I'd be honest and prepare to drop A in a romantic context, as you have decided to bring another life into this world, already knowing that Z was not interested in an open relationship when it was brought up last.

nycindie 11-20-2011 05:41 AM

I think you may also want to think about the fact that A. contacted you after knowing you chose to honor your wife's wishes. She was willing to move in with you and then you told her you and your wife have a solid loving relationship, and that you made a choice to remain monogamous. You had let your feelings for A. subside and made peace with your decision. Now, out of the blue, A. gets in touch and is asking for a lunch date. and you are thrown into a bit of turmoil about it That is a bit suspect, to me. I don't know how much time had passed, but I think A. should have had more respect for the boundaries you have in place with your wife and left you alone. Maybe this is someone you might not want to be involved with, as there is potential for drama and stirring up a world of shit. Some women know the effect they will have on a man and will use it to their advantage. Maybe it's all innocent about just staying in touch, but still makes me wonder if she's got cowgirl tendencies.

Your wife really needs you now. When the baby comes you will both be so tired and everything about your life will have changed completely. Another baby will be demanding and all-consuming, as will giving extra attention to a possibly jealous older sibling. The baby and your family will be your focus for quite a while. Not a good time to let yourself be tempted by the idea of being with another woman.

Also you may want to look at how easily your commitment was shaken. Some pondering and examination in the areas of self-doubt, dissatisfaction, fears, etc., which have perhaps contributed to your wanting more than what you have in your life now and wavering in a choice you made. Are there fears or insecurities surrounding fatherhood or your growing family that are pushing you toward a little escapism and fantasizing? Might give you some insights into what you want and how to be happy.

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