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-   -   need advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17350)

riftara 11-19-2011 05:24 AM

need advice
F's girl toy -T is staying the night tomorrow. She said she wants to spend the evening with me. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't know what her motives are and I don't trust that she would be truthful about them if I asked.

Its possible that she just wants to hang, since she asked me, not F, if she could come over. But I think she is interested in me, though Im not sure if its me or the fact that F and I are lovers. If its just a threesome that she wants or if she wants more.

I hate not knowing, but I dont know how to bring it up either. We were friends but not close before they started sleeping together. and I dont do well with girls.

How do I handle this, how do i bring it up with her, since Ive only had one serious conversation with her and it was to talk to her about how i couldnt handle her and F having a relationship right now.

Ive been thinking about that, and I need to get over it, its my own insecurity that is putting that block up. Im working on it.

nycindie 11-19-2011 06:30 AM

Umm, why does it need to be complicated? :confused: It's easy enough to ask, "what do you want to talk to me about?" and to say things like, "I don't know how I feel about that, I will have to think about it" if she poses something you're unsure of. Would that be problematic for you to say?

opalescent 11-19-2011 05:08 PM

When I'm in a new or uncomfortable situation like this, I assume the best of everyone involved.

It relieves me from worrying overmuch about what's going on with other people. It also helps me be more receptive to what people are actually saying (as opposed to what my brain thinks they are saying).

So I would personally assume in this situation that she just wants to get to know you better. And maybe 'better' has a sexual component, maybe not.

I've found that most people reveal pretty quickly with words or actions or both what their agenda is. And if their agenda is not in your best interest, that comes out as well. Counterintuitively, assuming the best of people allows me to see someone for who they really are.

And, yes, asking what she wants is a good idea too.

AnnabelMore 11-19-2011 06:51 PM

Let me ask -- why don't you feel comfortable with F having another relationship? Do you think that will change in time? I know that's not what you were asking for advice on but I see it as an important issue to understand the context. In theory something can be kept at the just-sex level but you never know for sure when deeper feelings will develop even if each party doesn't intend them to.

I would say just keep it light and friendly with the girl. If you're not comfortable being super direct, you can ask her what she's looking for from her love life, just in the general sense not from F or from you in particular, and probably learn a lot from that. If flirting is happening and it feels right, I think that would be the point to ask her, "So, what do you see as the possibilities here?" (If it feels wrong, of course, that's the time to be very clear and say no thanks)

Of course, you don't have to choose to let her take the lead. If you know what you want or don't want, you can always just talk about that casually, again not even about her or F particularly, and let her draw her own conclusions, like "I'm really not open to new partners now, things are just way too stressful" or "I find being poly to be incredibly exciting because you just never know what's going to develop with the people in your life... I like to stay open to seeing where things lead."

riftara 11-19-2011 09:27 PM

The not being comfortable with real relationships at this point is because we are still new. It will change in the future and its starting to change now.

I dont know what I want from her, I guess that is where I should start. I like her, Im attracted to her. Weve had a few drunken makeout sessions, but drunk is not the way to start a relationship. your inhibitions are down and your feelings are primal.

Ive always identified bi-sexual, and by all counts the cards are there for us to have a relationship, even if its just friend with benefits. With girls though I need a solid friendship first, because most girls I cant stand.

I just hate not knowing someones reasons for something. Not that any reason would be bad, even if she wanted to get closer to me so she could have a relationship with F.

riftara 11-19-2011 09:31 PM

And I guess there is a little of wanting her to be a unicorn for the three of us. to be a quad would be awesome on so many levels

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