New to poly and in an LDR
I'm in a V shaped relationship, where my boyfriend has two girlfriends. His other girlfriend is polyamorous, and that's how he was introduced to the concept and realized that he was too. We started dating/hooking up, and after some time we realized that we were in love and wanted to be in a relationship. He spoke to his girlfriend and she was very supportive of it. We made this decision even though our relationship would have become an LDR as I was moving away for 2 years for grad school. it's an open relationship, i.e. all of us are free to date people outside. I don't consider myself poly - I have been on a few dates with some guys I met online, and I've enjoyed it, but I'm still trying to figure out my place.
We've had some problems before, but that was mainly due to me being very closed up about my feelings. I have been working on it, and things are much much better. We all get along pretty well. I have learned to express feelings with his other girlfriend as well, and I'm much more comfortable than I used to be.
It is hard because I am so far away (different time zone and everything!). But, we've been doing pretty great in terms of communicating. He is going away from a study abroad trip, and so is his other girlfriend for a month. This may sound silly, but for the first time I thought that she and I were going to be in the same position of not having him around. Study abroad trips are amazing, and it's hard to always communicated with your partner. I mean, I wouldn't want him to be sitting in a hotel room talking to me while he could be exploring this amazing new place he's in. But, her being there is making the distance more apparent.
I'm not going to lie, I do feel jealous sometimes. I know that he loves me a lot, and I'm glad that he has someone who loves him so much near him. And I really wish I could do that - be able to hold him and actually spend time with him doing things we like rather than only talking about them.
How do I not go crazy this January when I won't be able to talk to him a lot, and I know he'll be sharing this wonderful experience with her. We've talked about it, and I know that it's mainly because I keep on missing out on doing things with him. But, I'm terrified of when Jan will actually come. We'll also be missing our 6 month anniversary.
Apologies for the really long post.
I can see how that'd be really tough. Try to focus on the fact that 1) even if the other gf weren't in the picture you still wouldn't be sharing this time with him, and 2) them getting closer (which sharing experiences can do) doesn't mean you two will be further apart. "Evening the score" by having her be separated from him the way you are wouldn't bring anything good into your life. In fact, the stress of missing *both* his partners could have just made him less emotionally available to you (some people close off when they're too stressed). She is not the enemy or the thing keeping you and him apart -- the distance is.
All that said, let him know you're feeling extra vulnerable, and ask him to try hard to stay in touch. That's certainly not too much to ask. Great resources in dealing with jealousy at www.morethantwo.com.
Ps -- Even though you're not sure yet if you yourself are poly, I would encourage you to keep going on dates, especially now. Maybe it'll turn out you are, but either way it'll be a helpful distraction so you don't go crazy from missing him.
I've had that situation as well, but I was in your boyfriend's position. I have one partner that I live with and another who I'm in a LDR with. I was traveling with JJ (the one I live with) for 3 weeks and I couldn't be in conctact with rory much during that time. It was actually quite stressfull for me, because I really would've wanted to contact her more during that time but it just wasn't possible. Usually we skype each other at least every other day and talk several hours. So this trip was a really big change in that. During the whole time I talked to her maybe like 2 hours. We wrote more messages though, which was easier because we were on different time zones as well. I took the time to write the messages before I was going to bed or early in the morning or whenever I had the opportunity.
I'd recommend the same thing as Annabel, make sure he knows how important it would be for you that he makes the extra effort to contact you when he can. But you also need to accept that it's going to be different than normal. But it's not for forever! When he returns to his normal routine, you'll get to speak to him more again. Hang in there! :)
Oh, and I think you might get something out of my and rory's blog here on the lifestories and blogs section. I've been in a LDR with her for almost 8 months now.
It would be nice if your bf would send you little text messages throughout the day. A good morning, a good night message at least. If you'd like that, tell him, and make sure he lets his OSO know that he will be doing that so she makes space for him to do so. Just tell him you'll be struggling a bit with jealousy/envy. A partner going abroad for a month, to an interesting location, could make any partner, mono or poly, envious! It would be lovely if he could share daily something about what he saw and did that day.
My gf has done this when she's traveled without me. Telling me about her adventures, how much she loves and misses me, how she tells other people about me and how much I mean to her, etc. It's very sweet and keeps us feeling connected despite the distance.
Thank you so much for your replies!
I spoke to my boyfriend again about his trip, and I do feel much better. I know that he loves me, and his loving his other girlfriend or getting to share these new experiences with her isn't going to stop that. In his words, they are more likely to come back dead or broken up than monogamous.
@AnnabelMore: I don't have any ill feelings towards his other girlfriend, and the reason for my jealousy is the fact that she gets to spend so much time with him that I wish I could. But, yes, that's not her fault.. it's the distance. And we've been doing very well about communicating with each other regularly.
Also: I have come to realize that I am very monogamous, and it's not fair for me to lead a guy on by dating him (which I was). I accept the fact, and I know that I have enough on my plate to keep me distracted from missing him.
@Mya: Thanks for giving me a scoop of what's it like being on the other side. It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that since he has someone else with him he won't be missing my company as well. Reading what you wrote, and speaking to my boyfriend gave me some reassurance.
I will definitely check out your blog!
@Magdlyn: We're going to try and keep in touch as much as possible. I don't want him to text me because that can get pretty expensive with international rates. But, I will let him know that I want him to try hard to email me about once every two days.
LDR can be fine....
I know this feeling. I was in a LDR with someone living in another country half-way around the world. It's challenging. We'd talk by Skype a couple times per month and send pages-long emails about our days and our dates to each other. I think being polyamorous made the distance less difficult. I'd introduce my ldr partner to the people I was dating when my ldr partner came to visit. And we'd share photographs of the places we'd been, and the people we'd been there with. Sometimes, we wouldn't see eachother for a year. But, knowing we'd be together again made it okay.
We did eventually break up, when it turned out the different country thing was becoming permanent and the visits would be years, plural, apart rather than several months to one year (we had the same birthday, so we'd had a habit of seeing each other for two weeks, but that was not sustainable). The breakup was mutual and warm (and tearful), and we are now pen-pals. But the point is, if you know your lover is coming back (if you're not pining away in the meantime), and you keep in contact, it can definitely be manageable.
Yeah, definitely. We decided to pursue this relationship even though we both knew I was leaving for school for 2 years. I have, in the past, broken off a relationship because it was going to become LDR. That was when I was 18 and about to go to school for my undergrad. I was not ready for it then, I was too young and needed to explore myself... and having a boyfriend half way across the world was not something I could deal with.
This... this is different. And most days it's not so bad. We IM each other all the time (not to an unhealthy extent, of course!), I went to visit him last week, and he's planning on visiting in a few months. I cherish those moments when I'm with him, and we'll hopefully be in the same region during the summer, and once I graduate.
Keeping in touch is very important. This poem (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23zv5I-hZJ8) kinda captures the way I feel about how I interact with him. The whole describing every damn thing just to make up for a hug.
I guess I wrote this post when I was feeling really down about him travelling with his other girlfriend for a month (even if on study abroad). Reading all of your replies and talking to my boyfriend again has made me feel much better.
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