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-   -   new and trying to accept wife in love (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17283)

Pk64nj 11-17-2011 11:08 PM

new and trying to accept wife in love
We are new to this, 3 months actually. my wife and I are very much in love and have been married for 20 years. Originally we embarked down the road of swinging and were open to a mfm threesome. my wife had a business associate who had hit on her e few times and figured that was a good place to start, to see what he was into. They set up a lunch date and as i suspected would happen did. she kept me well advised of the situation via text msgs as the lunch progressed to getting a hotel room which i was ok with. For two weeks all went as planed, just sex, no strings. Then I had my first encounter with a female friend of ours (more my friend that hers, as she was an ex coworker) but none the less a friend of ours for 13 years. which didn't work out maby because the fact we were friends for so long. I think more along the lines that I was looking more for a sharing experience with my wife wich is why we were both so attracted to swinging. Anyway, after this encounter we both decided to give individual dating a try and both liked the idea. the same rules still applied, just sex no strings. a week later she had a dead battery in the parking lot of the grocery store and parked in front of her was a guy who was willing to help. long story short they hit it off. My wife called me while i was traveling to tell me the story and immediately I could tell from the tone of her voice that this was more than just some guy to have fun with. I felt as though I was speaking to a gitty school girl that just found her dream guy. My heart fell through the floor but after a few tough phone calls I told her I was ok with her seeing him, against what my gut was telling me. over the course of two weeks she was with him 4 times or so and she came home one day and didn't seem right, turns out while they were having sex he hauled off and slapped her in the face. I won't go into his reason but they were lame and inconsistent but eventually settled on he thought she would be into it even though she never expressed that. we both decided it had to end. but the whole time she was confused because he had never exhibited anything like that before, anger, kinky or otherwise. and in the aftermath expressions of love from him were coming out wich made me even more uncomfortable. so when i left for another trip she got things going with him again. via text and phone calls, I was devastated. But after about a week I started to doubt weather I had done the wrong thing insisting to keep it ended. many she was right, many he was a good guy. So I then agreed to her desire to see him again but I wanted to make sure she could handle not falling in love given the fact that he had expressed he loved her. So here we are 2 months later, a few huge arguments and I am still struggling. My biggest fear was that they would fall in love with each other down the road and I've been doing a lot of reading to try and accept that. I have met with him a few times and we get along great and he seams to be a very nice guy. And what they have is not just a booty call situation which she likes a lot more. but I am still struggling with giving my wife up for hrs at a time and dealing with her loving another man. most recently we all agreed to call it quits but she couldn't seem to let go wich is when i discovered that what I had feared would happen a cpl years down the road was here now. they are in love. as of right now the relationship is over but neither of them want it to be. its because of my struggle and I feel so lost and confused. I want her to be happy but I also want to be at peace. sorry for the long essay but I have nobody other that my wife and her boyfriend to talk to about this. As a side note, through all the arguments and pain we talk about everything and we feel closer than we ever have been before which just adds to the confusion. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

opalescent 11-18-2011 10:52 PM

Please, capitalize properly and put in some sentence and paragraph breaks. The 'wall of text' is going to cut down on the number of replies you get.

SourGirl 11-19-2011 02:39 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this. What you have explained, tends to be a typical story.

Many people think they can have NSA sex, only to find out differently. The important thing to remember, is that your wife loves you, and did not plan for this to happen.
Sexual chemistry, usually comes from a 'connection' before people hit the sheets. It makes sense that for most people, that connection only grows, if things are going well.

I can say, I am concerned about the boyfriend slapping her in the face. While I myself understand the enjoyment of rough sex, I cannot fathom just doing it, without making sure the other person is ok with it.
Unless he specifically asked her, and she heard him wrong ?

Having typed that, I can also tell you the other important thing to notice, is your wife hasn`t forgotten you. Obviously she has made sure to tell you when things go awry, and you are her confident. She appears to respect your opinion. :)

So while it may be very tough for you, it sounds like you are handling things ok, so far.
Talking to others, and 'venting' might be just the help you need. Welcome to the forum.

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