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-   -   New, dangling our feet (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17250)

FriarThomas 11-17-2011 12:48 PM

New, dangling our feet
 
I'm Tom, married to L, with 2 sons. I'm heterosexual, while L is...I guess you'd call it hetero-flexible.

After a monogamous 15 years of marriage, we decided last year to open ourselves up to the opportunity of new romance. My wife's had a gentleman friend and I currently have a ladyfriend (hey we're in our forties; boyfriend/girlfriend sounds a little too 'slip me a note after homeroom', you know what I mean). While L's romance has fizzled, I still enjoy the company of my ladyfriend...and L is slowly getting iinterested in joining us romantically.

I don't know if that makes us "poly", per se. Ladyfriend's got her own life, with her own family...we're not setting up housekepping together. Additionally, although we care about/love this woman, her husband is unaware of her extracurricular activities. L and I figure that this is her issue and not technically our business...but we both (I think me more than her) have a little ethical trouble with the idea that she has to sneak around/lie, while we do not.

Not exactly sure what I'm looking for here. Advice would be great...friendship even better. And then we'll see where it goes from there I guess.

LittleSara 11-17-2011 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FriarThomas (Post 111300)
I guess you'd call it hetero-flexible.

Haha, I love this word! :) Thanks for sharing!

I went through a similar moral struggle, although my partner had a girlfriend he was hiding me from & not married with kids...

Although I loved him very much, felt like it was more his problem than mine and didn't want to let go, I was sick of feeling like a dirty little secret and putting his other partner's happiness on the chopping block. We still see each other sometimes but just as friends and not often because the desire is still there.

Everybody is different, but cheating is harmful to all parties and the community. Good luck!

& Welcome to the site!

AnnabelMore 11-17-2011 08:01 PM

There's actually lively debate about whether or not it counts as poly if someone is in the dark, so you're in good company not being sure. I'd say you and your wife are practicing poly while the Ladyfriend (LF) perhaps is not, but some would insist the whole thing is just cheating.

Do you know why she doesn't want to come clean to her husband? Personally, I probably wouldn't choose to be in such a relationship for a couple of reasons, including "if she's lying to one intimate partner she'll lie to another" and "what if the husband finds out, goes crazy with rage and comes after me?". But I know these things can be complicated.

Some thoughts, from the perspective of someone in the LF's position if your wife does get involved too: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

FriarThomas 11-17-2011 08:29 PM

Thank you both
 
And therein lies my issue. LF is indeed deceiving her husband. One of the reasons my wife and I wanted to enter an open marriage is the appalling deceit and cheating that broke up so many of our friends' marriages. My LF's situation is unique in that for most of their dating throughout their engagement and into the early marriage, they played with other couples, women, and men. After their child was born it fizzled, and now LF has informed him she wants to explore once again. He says he doesn't want to. But he also knows she hasn't changed her position. She goes out openly (doesn't say shes going out on a date specifically) comes home when she wishes, etc. I don't know if it is cheating so much as ignoring the elephant in the room. But I still have my issues with it.

For my wife and i, its not so much a lifestyle as it is an agreement...its not like we each have a stable of lovers to choose from when we're hard up and looking for some variety. We've simply allowed for the possibility...taken the "never" out of our vocabulary. Does that make any sense at all?

AnnabelMore 11-17-2011 10:04 PM

Well, at least that's a little closer to a don't-ask-don't-tell arrangement, which I think most would agree is usually less than ideal but a lot better than straight up sneakery.

It occurrs to me that a major problem I would have in this situation would be that, knowing things aren't worked out between her and her husband, I'd fear that he'd suddenly decide he needed to know what was up and then would demand it to end once she told him. A partner's partner vetoing a relationship is a major fear of mine -- that would just feel so gross and sad to have a break up imposed by the outside. I have *no* reason to think it'll happen in my current situation and the thought *still* freaks me out, so I think I'd not wanna make myself emotionally vulnerable at all if I thought that was more of a threat.

Don't mean to be depressing, just thinking it through...

FriarThomas 11-17-2011 10:27 PM

Not depressing, Anna...
 
I'm looking for as many different points of view as I can get on this. I'm not here merely to validate my relationship(s). Looking for feedback, constructive criticism from those whove been there.

AnnabelMore 11-17-2011 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FriarThomas (Post 111384)
For my wife and i, its not so much a lifestyle as it is an agreement...its not like we each have a stable of lovers to choose from when we're hard up and looking for some variety. We've simply allowed for the possibility...taken the "never" out of our vocabulary. Does that make any sense at all?

Oh, I meant to say also -- I think this makes *perfect* sense. I think more people would do well to just plan on letting life come as it comes and facing it with honesty and openness.


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