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Amitrye 11-16-2011 09:54 AM

Sort of new to the boards~
I'm Ami. I'm kind of shy and a very private person, so if I'm long-winded at any time I apologize for that. I have a tendency to dance around the point frequently.
I know a lot of people who post on this forum are poly. I think that's cool. I had one long-term relationship with someone who was poly and have been reading this forum ever since... I just recently decided to register.
I am 100% mono. I noticed a few other monos on here, and I notice that people are not discriminatory concerning that.
While I was dating the poly guy a few years back, I tried to define what I was. I guess people would consider me pansexual. I can love anyone- but I'm only good at loving one person at a time.
Anyways, I'm dancing again. This isn't really about me. It's about my spouse. He's come out to me as poly recently. No problem there- I've done that before and I don't mind being the mono one in a poly relationship.
My issue is with the circumstances. I've had multiple surgeries in the past year. I felt bad about this because I felt like I was a burden to my husband. I also felt terrible for not being able to spend time with my newborn.
What makes me angry is that disclosure of newfound poly ways came only after he hooked up with my longtime friend while I was in the hospital. He told me weeks after the fact that they were together physically while I was facing death in the hospital. I could not feel more betrayed.
I knew my surgery would be hard on him so I asked my mother to watch our daughter. I never dreamed this would be the result of some free time to de-stress.
I don't think I can accept circumstances as they are- even though I have accepted another partner being poly before. I have cut myself off from both my husband and my friend.
I want to be a loving accepting person again, but I don't think I can do so with him. From a poly perspective: am I being too harsh? Both of them say I am.
P.S. Sorry I lied. I guess this was all about me. >.<

freyamarie 11-16-2011 05:00 PM

You feel betrayed...who wouldn't?!
Announcing being poly after cheating is not cool. No, I don't think you are being too harsh. What happened and the subsequent revelations has got to be just awful for you.
I don't see how they can think you are over-reacting if they have an ounce of compassion or even self-honesty. I call "bullshit".
This has nada to do with you being okay being a mono in a relationship with a poly and everything to do with being betrayed. Don't torture yourself over that particular issue, ever.

AnnabelMore 11-16-2011 05:16 PM

Seconded. From the "poly perspective" he cheated and the two of them betrayed your trust at an extremely vulnerable time, just like from the mono perspective.

That said, what the poly perspective does offer is the knowledge that him hooking up with her does not mean that he doesn't love you any more or that things are necessarily over now. But it's still up to you whether or not you're willing to forgive him and trust him again. I imagine his chances would be better if he showed sincere remorse rather than accusing you of being too harsh...

I wonder why this happened during your hospitalization? Maybe they were both so scared for you and in such need of support that this is the (inappropriate and uncool but perhaps understandable and forgivable?) way they found to be there for each other. If you haven't already, I would ask him what the heck was up with the timing.

Amitrye 11-16-2011 05:42 PM

Thank you for the responses. I did ask why this occured at the time, but I got different answers from both of them. She claims that she has been attracted to him for some time and that their relationship grew while I was having a difficult pregnancy. He says (like Annabel said) that it happened while I was in the hospital because of anxiety about the matter. Here I believe they might both be telling the truth.
However, I'm not sure if I can forgive regardless. My husband promised to be there for me during the intense time in the hospital. He only came to visit one time for a period of two hours saying he was busy with homework from college- I was in there for a long time. To learn that what he was doing was playing with my friend devastated me.
My friend has done similar things to me in the past. She is incredibly attractive (not that I'm not, just in a different way) and has slept with my partners while I've been on vacation, at work, taking care of my ill parents, etc. (I already forgave her too many times in the past I guess.)
At different times both of them have lied to me, so I have difficulty giving them trust right now.
I like what Annabel said about poly offering a different perspective. When you're hurting it's harder to see that. Maybe I will see it with time, but I'm not ready to forgive either of them.
Thanks for both of the responses. Honestly, it has nothing to do with me being mono and I should own that. I can accept the poly lifestyle, but you're right, it was cheating. I sort of wanted to trick myself into believing otherwise.:(

AnnabelMore 11-16-2011 05:54 PM

Fucking hell! I've spent much longer than that in the hospital with people who were just friends. If you can't count on your spouse to drop everything and be by your side at such a time, who can you count on? What an ass. :(

And if your "friend" has been through this pattern before and saw it coming with your hubs AND knew you'd done poly before... why didn't it occur to her to say something to you, maybe ask your permission?? Or at least avoid the situation until you were well.

I'd dump 'em both too with this context. I'm sorry, hun.

Amitrye 11-16-2011 06:13 PM

I thought as much. I've tried being accepting, resigned, disappointed- a bevy of emotions in the short time since I found out. Reading the responses, I feel as though the anger that is working its way into my system is justified, and boy I have never ever been so mad. :mad: I'm going to have breakfast and then go to my parents house to relax. I need to get away from my husband right now.

freyamarie 11-16-2011 06:23 PM

:eek:I'm concerned that you have chosen to maintain the friendship over the years when this woman has repeatedly betrayed you. If she had the face of a donkey and the body of a mangy monkey it still would be unacceptable.
I say this out of compassion, not mean-ness....you should consider seeing a counselor to get through this experience and to work on why you have continued to keep a 'friendship' with someone who seems to get off on banging your man.
Even if you do come to an understanding with your husband, keeping this toxic woman in your life sounds like a bad idea, imo.

joiedevivre 11-16-2011 08:10 PM


Originally Posted by freyamarie (Post 111197)
Even if you do come to an understanding with your husband, keeping this toxic woman in your life sounds like a bad idea, imo.

i absolutely agree with that.

not that you've got to stay with the father of your child, but for me parenthood has changed my willingness to work through relationship crises that i would have walked away from in the past.

and i think counseling is almost always a good idea, especially if you can find one who is open-minded about unconventional relationships.

Amitrye 11-16-2011 09:12 PM

Sorry. I probably should have clarified something. When I said she'd slept with my partners in the past- I meant my girlfriends. I haven't had very many relationships with males and she's never been interested in them before (to my knowledge). Regardless, it is the equivalent of "banging my man" because love is love and gender is irrelevant.
She's tried to call me about 40 times today and I know she feels awful. I've kept her in my life this long because even though she has taken a lot from me she has given so much back. When I was taken advantage of as a child she was the only one that was there for me. There was no one else I could talk to.
I feel as though I owe her. I've never thought of our relationship as toxic before. I'll have to think about that one.
As far as counseling goes, my mother recommended that my husband and I go already. I know that shouldn't upset me but it does. I feel like it means she's not on my side when I know that's not true.
I haven't decided what to do about my husband, but I know that I need counseling concerning my friend. My mother says she's been taking advantage of me for years... but I don't see it. :confused:

Minxxa 11-16-2011 09:36 PM

I think often we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt a little TOO much. There's a fine line between understanding that people make mistakes, recognizing honest regret and seeing somebody making honest attempts to remedy their behavior-- and enabling somebody who is selfish and deceptive to keep being selfish and deceptive to us.

Honestly I think with something like having a "friend" who sleeps with your partner while you're away-- once is a mistake, and things "happened". Twice is intentional. This is NOT a friend. Toxic people get away with what they do because people let them. I'm seeing you seemingly feeling BAD about wanting to remove somebody from your life who has proved repeatedly to not have any integrity. You should not feel bad about this.

Of COURSE she will call you repeatedly, she will beg your forgiveness, then she will be pissy and talk badly about you when you don't fall for her manipulative behavior. How mean of you. Think of this as practice for your child's toddler years, as it's basically the same thing, and treat it the same way. Ignore it, and then she will stop eventually because she isn't getting the attention she wants.

As for your husband, that's definitely a toughie considering you have a child together. However, I would ask you this: What kind of person leaves their loved one in the hospital alone, to deal with a hard situation, and goes off to bang her best friend?

I'm sure he has all kinds of reasons and all kinds of explanations (to you AND to himself to make him feel better about doing something shitty) -- but it basically comes down to this: A person of integrity wouldn't ever have even considered doing such a thing to their partner. Ever.

At some point in life you have to decide what kind of people you want to be surrounded by and involved with. You can choose people with integrity and have support and friendship, or you can choose people like your friend and have endless drama and lies and deception.

I do think that either way counseling would be good because you can air all of this to an impartial third party and they can help you both communicate clearly about what happened and the emotions around that. Maybe you'll be able to find out things that will bring you closer together, or maybe you'll be able to see clearly that he's not for you. Either way, you'll have a better understanding and maybe a clearer direction at that point.

Of course, I'm a real hardass about integrity, so that's where I'm coming from.

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