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-   -   Safe Sex question (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17108)

BaconWrappedCupcakes 11-14-2011 08:57 PM

Safe Sex question
 
I recently found out that my BF has not been using condoms with his other GF, and they haven't for sometime long before he met me.

I had asked him on a few occasions if he used them all the time and he said yes.
Obviously he lied to me.

We are now at an impass. I am struggling with the idea of ever being intimate with him again. I asked him to use condoms with her and he refuses saying he won't bring it up because she would be hurt.

He has taken the stance of I amd the Dom and you are the sub and you will fall in line she is just a vanilla girl and I can't control her.

I'm so hurt and depressed. I feel humiliated and used.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Derbylicious 11-14-2011 10:38 PM

This is your health that we're talking about! Although you can't control what he does with anyone else you have the right to say that unless he wears a condom with her that he won't be having sex with you. This is one of those things that you really shouldn't give up control on. I would also go and get tested ASAP to make sure he hasn't passed anything on to you.

nycindie 11-14-2011 10:42 PM

I would think a Dom would be more concerned for taking care of you, not less. But whether he is your Dom or not is irrelevant. He has completely and utterly disrespected you, lied to you, and risked your health in an unforgivably cavalier fashion. If I were you, my relationship with him would be over. Get tested immediately. End of story.

ray 11-15-2011 03:23 AM

He sounds kind of childish. Fluid bonding is serious stuff and your health and safety even more so. If his other partner would be to hurt to consider safe sex? Well, then, she doesn't sound too mature. Having adult conversations about safe sex has nothing to do with being her Dom or not. He can't make her use protection but he should be smart enough to refuse to have sex with out making sure its safe for him and you first. Not only did he risk your health but he also lied about it. I'd have a hard time trusting him too. I'm not sure I'd be able to trust some one after something like that. I would definitely reconsider his position in your life.

AnnabelMore 11-15-2011 03:30 AM

Break. Up. With. Him. Someone who's so shockingly ignorant of what a loving dom/sub relationship should look like that he would say "your health and comfort in this situation don't matter because you're the sub" is someone who should NEVER EVER EVER be in a position of power over someone else. Untrustworthy, gross, lying, manipulative, immature bastard. Not that this would be remotely okay if you two were vanilla -- I'd still call him names and advise breaking up with him asap -- but it makes me all the more upset because I wish people like him would stop giving D/s a bad name.

SchrodingersCat 11-15-2011 05:54 AM

D/s arguments only count when both partners are consenting.

You did not consent to this.

If he lied about that, you can bet he's lying about other things too.

For the record, if he were to suddenly "agree" to use condoms with her, I wouldn't believe him. He's clearly willing to lie and say whatever you want to hear.

Taking risks with your health is flat-out abusive.

redpepper 11-15-2011 06:28 AM

Wellll, ya, everyone has said it for me. Thanks all. :)

Its quite simple for me really. "No condom. No sex. I will hang out with you and play footsies, but I will go and get laid elsewhere thank you very much. If you want sex with me again, well, it likely won't happen. Damage done. That just isn't something I give second chances to."

I'm sorry he hurt you. I an imagine that is very hard to deal with. Still, not the end of the world, go and find someone that treats you better and show him that you deserve better than what he is dishing out.

BaconWrappedCupcakes 11-15-2011 01:24 PM

Thank you for all the replies. I did tell him that we would no longer be having sex and def no oral sex unless he started using condoms.
He then responded by saying I was putting him in a bind by making him choose her or me even though he would continue to use condoms with me (so I'm not sure how I'm making him choose). He then asked if I would consider seeing him in just a D/s capacity without the sex.

This of course broke my heart, makes me feel like our sex life is nothing to him.

I've been with him for over a year now and yes it is hard to walk away from that. He said he knew she was clean and I was not at risk for anything.

AnnabelMore 11-15-2011 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BaconWrappedCupcakes (Post 111003)
He said he knew she was clean and I was not at risk for anything.

*You* get to decide how much risk you're willing to take on, not him. If he can't respect your right to make your own decisions how can you guys have any sort of trust-based relationship?

To me, it's all about the lying and it's sad because it didn't have to be this way. He could have said to you I'm thinking of opening up to fluid exchange with my gf, can we talk about it? Maybe you two could have come to some compromise. But instead he makes the decision on his own, lies to you about it, and opens you up to risk you didn't sign on for. To top it off, when you call him on it he accuses *you* of being manipulative!!! That's the real kicker, because if he can't accept fault he can't change.

I know it must be incredibly hard after a year together, but he's showing his true colors. I wouldn't allow him to be your partner OR your dom. This is not a safe or respectful person.

LittleSara 11-15-2011 02:55 PM

After a year...
 
The worst part is walking away... But once you do, you will have so much more respect for yourself and feel more confident in what you believe is right for you.

His manipulative talk sounds incredibly familiar. I know it's confusing and hurtful. But you have to see through it. You are not making him choose anything. He is making YOU choose. And your options with him are terrible.

It's going to be up to you what to do. But just remember ... sometimes a Sub has to pick up the paddle and show them what she's made of.


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