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-   -   Kinda scared about pursuing poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17076)

alwaysme 11-14-2011 05:33 AM

Kinda scared about pursuing poly
I know I just asked a question and have not posted anywhere else, but I really cannot give any advice to anyone at this point.

So I am single and have gone on a couple dates with a guy who is poly, he already has a fiance and a girlfriend. It seems like a pretty healthy relationship, he has told me a lot about them and apparently told them all about me lol. He also knows that I have not done this type of relationship before and that I am, long term, looking for someone to have a serious relationship with. He also clearly explained how much of his time he would be able to give me (which would not make him that serious relationship I am looking for) and made it very clear that if I am uncomfortable we could still be friends because we seem to have a lot in common and like hanging out together.

Sounds like a perfect introduction to all this, test the waters with a nice fun guy before jumping into a super serious poly relationship where I could either really get hurt or hurt other people when I don't even know for sure if this is for me. I had been starting to kind of go in this direction with my last relationship before it fell apart for other reasons, so it is not totally out of the blue just because I like this guy.

The idea is I keep dating like I have been looking for that 'serious' guy for me, but have him around on a somewhat regular basis...it kinda sounded like I might make some new friends with the other girls as well. The whole situation just seems to have my name written all over it for the type of person I am and what I need in my life right now. But this is still new to me and I am scared I am going to somehow get hurt, not what I need right now. I am honestly equally worried that I am not polyamorous and I will get jealous, as I am that I am polyamorous and won't be able to go back to 'normal' dating after this.

Can someone just tell me its going to be fine and I am over reacting? At this point I am just dating so it is no different than when I am dating more than one person at a time.

AnnabelMore 11-14-2011 05:57 AM

Well, I can't promise you it's going to be fine -- no emotional relationship comes with that guarantee -- but it definitely does sound like you're overreacting inasmuch as you found exactly what you want and are freaking yourself out over unknowable stuff. Give it a go, this guy sounds great. :) There are resources out there to help if you have questions or get jealous. Let me suggest the essays about being a secondary partner (limited time and limited blending of lives) at www.morethantwo.com.

redpepper 11-14-2011 07:11 AM

Do whatever feels right in your heart, but realize that if you are mono then you are speaking different languages from one another. Its like having two different religions or cultures... make sure you educated yourself on what poly is to others, and especially to him. You can look around here and read stories... do a search and look at tags... It might be a good place to start on a tag search for "foundations" "lessons" and "mono/poly"

Normal dating to me is dating without honesty and open communication. Poly dating is everyone knows who is dating who... that is the only difference I know of.

rory 11-14-2011 09:37 AM

It all sounds good to me. You may get hurt with him, but you may get hurt in any relationship, and I don't think the likelihood is any higher or lower than with a monogamous guy, particularly since it sounds like he's got the honest communication thing going. :)

SchrodingersCat 11-18-2011 06:40 AM

Just for clarification, are you planning to date him until you find Mr. Right, and then drop him like a ton of bricks?

If so, make sure he's aware of that. Also be aware that finding Mr. Right might be more difficult if you're in any kind of a relationship, if Mr. right is not polyamorous and might see you as cheating etc.

However, if you're planning to explore the polyamorous lifestyle for yourself, then this sounds like a great introduction to it. You've met someone who has set clear and reasonable boundaries for his life and what he has to offer you. You know that he's engaged and has another girlfriend, so you basically know where you stand and where this is not going (i.e. marriage).

I think it may be easier to experience poly the first time as a non-primary partner of an experienced poly person, so that you don't feel like you're losing something you already had, but rather gaining something you never thought was possible. Not that mono-to-poly is a loss, either, but it can seem that way any time big changes happen...

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