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-   -   changes in our relationship since she got pregnant (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17075)

mekodesu 11-11-2011 09:38 AM

changes in our relationship since she got pregnant
Well here is my boat at the moment. My Primaries (my best friend BG and her wife B [short for the nicknames I call them]) decided just under a year into our relationship to try and conceive (something i knew they wanted to do well before our relationship started.) and surprisingly it took, first try.
Its been 5 months now and in that time my relationship with BG (the one carrying) has gotten kinda rough. She has gotten more distant with me, is easily agitated/angry with things that i do or say or with me in general, feels that she is using me as her whipping post or being mean/taking advantage of me
now before you make a judgment on that the other issue is that our relationship is long distance because i am finishing school and they live 1300+ miles away, so that also makes the strain on things a bit more. This summer was great i was home everyweekend it seems, then school started and i have been home twice one very good trip one very bad. As for the mistreatment she swears is occurring i dont see it because of this distance and we have not talked on the phone as often as we use to, so alot of our communicating is via text. that makes it hard for me to see/hear what she is talking about because its not that way when we do talk on the phone.
things that have changed that i do see (and that she added to her list) is that she has pulled back from me over the last few months, she is more needy for B)and when i visit she gets upset/angered with our sleeping arrangement (i usually sleep in between them), or if we end up sitting on the couch with me in the middle because i am between them. she will also not let me touch her or cuddle with her when we sleep. But hasnt told me this (until tonight) becasue she is convinced i wouldnt understand; thus the only time we have had an epic communication fail.
im sure there is more i can add but you get the picture. This week we all talked over skype and she said that she wants us to go on a break because she doesn’t see our relationship continuing after the baby is born (or as she said she cant see anything outside of herself and B, and isnt trying to see it) and she is completely convinced that everything that she is feeling right now with the hormones from the pregnancy are how things are going to be when this moves into the next phase of raising the child. all at the same time telling me that by doing this now hopefully things will smooth over enough so that i can still have a very active roll in the childs life and theirs (something that has always been part of the plan).
right now i am confused as hell. i took a couple of days and talked to them both again individually after this, letting them know that i understand the concerns (which i do) and i know that things with the relationship will change (i would worry honestly if they didnt) after the baby is born. I also said that i would like to take a step back and see how things go after and what not and we can go on from there.
one was receptive the other was not (wanna guess which one wasnt) this then led to one issue being focused on in our whole conversation (i made the mistake of mentioning preggers hormones for a couple of the issues) and now she feels like i wasnt listening or taking her seriously. one of the issues she brought up was a past experience she had (7 years ago) that was not a poly experience but where she was s third that was pretty much used and lied to by one of the women in the relationship. she compared our relationship to that saying that if she was me she would be upset or feel that i was being strung along, none of which i feel because i am not and our situation is the complete polar opposite of that really bad scene.
so on top of this confusion i am also feeling like i am in a lose/lose no matter what i do because in her eyes everything i do is wrong or a threat to her immediate family (she considers me part of her family but not her immediate family). There is no way i can argue with them and actually win because if i unintentionally upset BG with a suggestion or comment, B gets into protective and upset with me and its two against one. but i also dont want to lose my best friends a kid who i get to be an aunt to and a great relationship completely, i love them both very much.
none of this was an issue before the pregnancy to include the relationship, our communication (we have pretty good communication) continuing or my role after, my moving there (but not living with them) once my school is completed and so forth; which is why i have been optimistic in so much negativity during this that and I know that pregnancy can be a bitch for those who are not the ones going through it. i guess i am just wondering what the hell i should do! i know this is rather long and more of a ramble but i am really needing some advice here.
i guess side info relevant or not, my partners are married. i am the oldest of the three of us BG is the youngest. (All late twenties early thirties) I am also hoping that no one judges them in a negative light based on one side of the story. We have had a great relationship for the last year otherwise I wouldn’t have stuck around or run the risk or possibly ruining a great friendship.

mekodesu 11-16-2011 05:38 AM

Quick update. Things arent as tense most def still rockyish but i have stepped back a little (which isnt hard given my school load right now). at least now i am not the only one getting the preggers anger and irrationality anymore. My own hard headedness will not let me give up but i also dont want this to damage us either. today was actually better as far as communication and interaction...just the feel of it was way better so idk...
still up for any and all advice though and thanks in advance :)

bassman 11-16-2011 12:44 PM

I think stepping back was probably a very good thing to do. I'm imagining that when the baby is 6 months or so, you might slowly start getting the situation back to something similar.

Magdlyn 11-16-2011 01:31 PM

Hi meko, please use paragraph breaks in your long posts. You might get more readers and responses.

So, you're a woman, best friends with a female couple, lovers with both of them. One is pregnant. You live 1300 miles away, going to school.

When will you complete school and move back closer to your couple?

Is there a good reason you are talking less on the phone to them lately?

You say they sometimes gang up on you in disagreements. This could be a common problem with a couple "adding" a single to their relationship.

Of course, your lover is having pregnancy hormones. Yet, as you may know, being a woman yourself, we don't like to be accused of acting badly because of hormones! (PMS)

I am not sure why you need to sleep between them or sit between them on the couch when you visit. If those 2 want more cuddle time when you're there, you'd probably do well to sit or lie on one side or the other, at least some of the time. Or sit in a separate chair, sleep in a different bed sometimes. Trying to share a lover is the hardest kind of poly to do. Some think it will lead to less jealousy, but it often leads to more.

I'd need answers to the above questions before I can offer any more supportive advice.

mennodaughter 11-16-2011 02:04 PM

I've been through enough pregnancies to tell you a couple of things. Regardless of where your relationship is headed, a pregnant woman feels a tremendous need to retreat and have very tight support from A person, not a lot of people. It's called nesting and it's a natural part of the process. Second, even if you KNOW it's pregnancy hormones, telling her so is the absolutely worst thing you can EVER do. Every pregnant woman wants to be rational, tries to be rational and is absolutely mad as a hornet if you don't take her seriously by condescending to her that it's her hormones talking---even as she may very well break down and cry that she is NOT hormonal.

Never, ever tell a pregnant woman that her hormones are what is the problem. She already knows that. She feels completely unsupported if you tell her that. That's the nature of those hormones.

If you love them and are committed to this, then my suggestion is to honor the pregnant lady's needs right now. Consider them NOT hormonally induced. Reflect them, respect them, be a safe place for her to vent them and then return love and support to her. As another said, slowly try to re-establish after they have time to settle with the new baby. Right now is not the time to be rational and logical. It's the time to do whatever she needs to support her, or step back and let someone else do that for her.

AnnabelMore 11-16-2011 02:26 PM

Shortly after my gf had her baby, I was fretting to a friend about the relationship. He said "Your old relationship is over. You can't have that relationship any more because she's a different person, literally, chemically. But you can try to build a new one." I found that thought sad but also very helpful. Expectations based on how things had been before were of no use to me, so I was better off just letting them go and focusing on supporting her and loving her right here and now.

If I were you I'd tell her I loved her, vow to give her all the space she needs for as long as she needs it, let her know that I very much hope we'll be intimate again some day but that I'm not just hanging around for that possibility but rather because I value the bonds we've built and the friendship and the family, ask that we not make any big decisions now while things are still a moving target (since, after all, the baby wil change things even more than the pregnancy), and affirm that I'll go at her pace and be only as involved as she's comfortable with. Let her know that this is not some hardship she's putting on you, but your choice freely made out of caring. Then work really hard at meaning all of those things.

mekodesu 11-17-2011 03:56 AM


Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 111156)

When will you complete school and move back closer to your couple?

Is there a good reason you are talking less on the phone to them lately?

I am not sure why you need to sleep between them or sit between them on the couch when you visit. If those 2 want more cuddle time when you're there, you'd probably do well to sit or lie on one side or the other, at least some of the time. Or sit in a separate chair, sleep in a different bed sometimes.

sorry about the lack or spacing, i thought that i had originally put them in but sometimes things post a little diferently than i think then again it could have been my lack of sleep too. as for the questions

- i will finish school this spring with a 1-2 classes that i can finish online this summer. i am hoping to be able to move by/before next fall but of course that depends on employment and so forth

- the talking less (before all of this) hasnt been my decision that was BG's decision as one of her preggers aversions is talking on the phone, but for me it has spilled over into selective texting/replying as well. the talking less at the moment is part of the giving space.

- as for the sleeping/sitting thing its not a need that i have i am fine sitting off elsewhere or sleeping elsewhere. its just never been brought up or been an issue. ive just always slept in bed with them. when i move i plan on having my own place mostly becasue i do enjoy having my space as well, added to the fact that their families do not know and one has family that lives very close so...

i have apologized about the hormones thing which was one of those things that i knew i shouldnt have mentioned as soon as i did. and im really hoping that she forgives that.

i have asked them that we not make a huge decision like this right now, that we step back some where we need to and make the friendship aspect that much stronger (to fill BG's wish) and see what happens after the baby is born. since its a break and not a break up i guess that is what we are doing.

i have never expected that the relationship would stay the same becasue i know there is really no way for that, in fact the change is one thing that i am most excited about. and while i wanted a girl luckily its a boy and i know exactly how to interact/handle boys :) (my ex's son just turned 16 i raised him from 7 and my nephew)

i have told them both that i am in this relationship because i want to be and becasue i love them dearly. not because they want me there, and not because im being strung along.

SourGirl 11-17-2011 04:16 AM

mennodaughter is right on the money, with her advice to you.

I`d also say there are probably a lot of partners, and traditionally male husbands, who can tell you that they go through all of this too. It is a part of the process for a big change.

Reading your post, the thought also occured to me, she is probably starting to be uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangement, as her body changes.
Not only is she looking to her primary for emotional support, but quite literally, She will be getting physically uncomfortable. Tossing, turning, with a increasing inability to get comfy as the months go on.

I`ve gone through this a few times myself ;) , as well as providing doula support a few times as well...... some things are just pretty consistant in pregnancies, even if it doesn`t feel that way, when you are the one in the situation. :)

Good Luck !

mekodesu 11-17-2011 06:03 AM

sour girl some of my closest friends have told me the same thing about the hormones however none of them have said not to mention them (really would have been nice to know/have fair warning last week! lol but i really should have known better anyway. i just really do hope that is forgiven and let go)

as for the discomfort while sleeping i can only guess at that one. i know when i am there she wants her space then they tell me that when i am not its different. i am guessing that is part of the nesting thing (which i didnt know about but makes complete sense now)

i feel like one of my male troops dealing with this while on deployment (and there have been alot of them over the years) meaning completely lost in alot of it but still trying to stay afloat and not let things said get to me or hurt feelings and what not. The whole thing is most def a learning curve its not easy but it is worth it especially because in a few years B is going to try and concieve as well.

SNeacail 11-17-2011 07:38 AM


Originally Posted by mekodesu (Post 111257)
sour girl some of my closest friends have told me the same thing about the hormones however none of them have said not to mention them (really would have been nice to know/have fair warning last week! lol but i really should have known better anyway. i just really do hope that is forgiven and let go)

Appologize for giving the impression that you were being dismissive and re-assure her that you DID hear what she said and repeat back to her what she said. That should help.

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