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-   -   I Quit (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17068)

FireChild 11-14-2011 02:20 AM

I Quit
I'm a woman married to a man. And I love him and it's great. But I also enjoy women and would love a relationship with one. Fine no big deal everyone here gets it.

Please tell me why every woman either wants to try to snag my husband for herself, is convinced I'm lying to my husband and am full of drama OR is a self-professed "attention hog" and claims they aren't any good at "sharing" and so it's a lost cause before we even begin. I'm not asking anyone to have sex with me and my husband, or let him watch. I am looking for a relationship for myself. I just happen to be married. (That's another one they're convinced I want to throw him into the mix or have him watch.)

I fucking quit. It's exhausting, people are cutting me off AFTER we establish a good rapport and I'm sick of being called a liar. Fuck this shit.

AnnabelMore 11-14-2011 05:10 AM

Wow, it sucks that you're getting those reactions. I assume the women you're approaching know your situation right from the start? Have you tried searching specifically for women who ID as poly?

FireChild 11-14-2011 05:19 AM


Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 110770)
Wow, it sucks that you're getting those reactions. I assume the women you're approaching know your situation right from the start? Have you tried searching specifically for women who ID as poly?

Yep. And I'm hit with the "That sounds like a lot of drama", "I said no men and no couples and no watching" and "Well I hope you find what you're looking for but I need someone 100% focused on me". With the third response I'll keep talking to try to go the friend route because what's wrong with being friends with people, and I get STONEWALLED. Hard.

I've tried but a lot of folks in my area seem to be unicorn hunting or older than I'm comfortable with. Age is really just a number I know that but when you have kids I could have gone to school with I just...dude what the fuck are we supposed to talk about? And as uncool as this might be (I've been told I'm not truly poly for this) I'm a one dick kind of chick. It's....silly, possibly archaic and baby oriented but it's just what it is.

AnnabelMore 11-14-2011 05:24 AM

I don't think there's anything silly or archaic about looking for a woman rather than a man, if that's what you want. These people all sound super fake. :/ I wish I had some good advice, but I don't really. Maybe pull back on the dating thing and focus instead on making new friends, maybe join some new activity groups, and see if you meet cooler people.

FireChild 11-14-2011 05:35 AM

I just...it's so silly but...I want my first baby to be my husband's. I know you can take birth control and you should use condoms anyway but bc fails and condoms break and if I found myself having a child for the first time and it wasn't my husband's....I'd be heartbroken.

I've been trying to just strike up friendships but I feel like people don't want to be friends with someone who isn't going to be a potential partner. Like this one girl kept brushing me off after we discussed the fact that I'm married and poly and I'm over here thinking....so all the things we have in common are pointless now? We can't be friends? What the fuck?

AnnabelMore 11-14-2011 05:51 AM

Again, I just don't think that's silly in the least. A baby is a big, big deal... of course you want it to be with your life partner, totally reasonable. Maybe hold off on the poly disclosure. Like, really, set all the dating desires aside, and *just* seek to broaden your circle of friends. Having a wider social support network never hurt anyone, and a friend-of-a-friend can be the best way to meet a new partner. But if your current search is leaving you so frustrated and unsuccessful, give it a break and start anew when you're feeling refreshed and have met people who aren't such douches. They are out there.

AnnabelMore 11-14-2011 06:05 AM

Also, I don't know you well enough to make any guesses about who you are or what you're like, so don't take this the wrong way. But sometimes if you're not attracting the sort of people you want the problem is you. I would take a hard look at yourself, and ask your true friends for a frank, harsh assessment of what sort of impression you give. How would they describe you at first meeting you? Hope about after getting to know you a little better? The good points, the quirky points, AND the bad points. Hopefully, that'll help you figure out if there are things you could work on about yourself that would help you attract the quality of person you're seeking.

redpepper 11-14-2011 07:03 AM

Are you meeting these people on dating sites? I have had the same responses on dating sites. It seems they attract a certain type of poly searcher sometimes. Not always, but stereotypically... unicorn hunting, young or aren't poly as I know and love it. Its so important to say the right thing on a dating profile.... ya, I would be going out and meeting people in real time. It might warrant a different result. Unless this IS in real time that you are talking about!?

Your poly is valid and just fine btw. I see no issue in what you seek.

FireChild 11-15-2011 05:23 PM

No it's been in online settings. I just...ugh I'm so awkward. Meeting people is stressful for me.

MindfulAgony 11-15-2011 05:57 PM

I think there's a certain amount of this you'll just have to get used to putting up with. I find that somewhere around 20-30% of the people I engage with have similar reactions of the sort you mention.

I take the route of being very upfront about poly in my online dating profiles. Ask people not to message me if they're not poly or interested in poly. And, I explain what poly means to me directly (helps clarify what I'm seeking).

I believe this directness reduces my prospects. But, also reduces my headaches from what used to be 50% cheaters and 20% converters (who think I'll change for them) down to that 20% or so that I still have to weed through.

Net. Net. Very useful.

Also, have the benefit of an active poly community out here. This helps get out and connect with like minded people. Although I don't go these events seeking partners, it helps remind me that I'm not insane. That would I seek makes perfect sense. And, keeps me grounded.

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