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-   -   Husband agreed to open marriage now is being unfair (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17027)

mr21 11-12-2011 10:45 PM

Husband agreed to open marriage now is being unfair
I have been with my husband 15 yrs and we have 4 children. He initiated a 3some with another male in 2008 and we did this with this male about 3 times. He has always told me he fantasizes about me with another man. This past August we were at a party with friends and went home with a male friend of ours. My husband and I started getting intimate and he left the room, sent the friend in and he left..... not just the room, the house, he literally left me there with the friend and he went home. I went home the next morning upset that he had left me there without discussing it. We made up and had amazing sex. I then started to think maybe his fantasy was really me having sex with another man and then telling him about it. So, a month later we did it again. And a month later we went out with the same man and another woman, my husband hooked up with the woman and I with the friend in separate rooms. Each time with us going home and later having amazing sex. So early November I approach my husband with the idea of an open marriage. He said he was for it but he requested that I not come home and try to have sex with him. Fair enough. This past Thursday I went out with the guy for the first time without my husband. Today, Saturday I try to be affectionate with my husband and he now tells me to respect his wishes and that he doesn't want to have sex with me for at least 5-6 days after me being with the other man. Like he's punishing me. My whole desire to see the other man is not sexual. He does not make me cum and I think it's because I am still not comfortable with him enough to just let go. My husband on the other hand pleases me every time. My enjoyment from being with the other man comes from a wierd desire to me be wanted and needed and appreciated. I know it sounds warped. So now I don't know what to do. Is my husband playing mind games? Why was ok with him when he had the control but now that I have the control I feel like he is trying to make me feel dirty. I am not happy, I don't feel good about this in fact I feel like crying. Not because he won't have sex with me but because I feel like he said "ok lets do this" and really didn't want to and is now upset with me. But again, me sleeping with another man was OK when he decided for me to but he needs 5-6 days before making love to me again when I chose to be with the other man. Is there something wrong with this or is it just me missing something?

AnnabelMore 11-13-2011 01:38 AM

So... have you asked *him* why the 5-6 day rule is in place now, when it didn't bother him in the least before? He's the only one who can tell you what he's thinking, we can only guess. You've *got* to be able to communicate clearly to be able to successfully do what you're doing.

mr21 11-13-2011 04:03 AM

I most definitely asked him. He said its a space he needs. As far as why he didn't need it before he says because before it was something we did as a couple. To me I see no difference. Him needing time from me makes me feel like I did something wrong. This whole arrangment was supposed to add to our relationship and make a good thing better. Really it has made me feel awful, not good at all. If this is the way it's going to be I don't want it.

AnnabelMore 11-13-2011 05:11 AM

Sorry, that was a little snarky of me -- of course you asked him. :/

So, before you were sleeping with people together causally, and it was enhancing your sex life. Now you're going on dates without him and it has the opposite effect, he feels like he needs space. Him feeling weird about it may not be an issue of control on his part, it may be that before it was about fun and now it's about feelings, before you were together and now you're separate. That's hard for many people. The question here is, is he asking for space because he needs it, or because he feels weird and resentful about things and has told himself this is what he needs rather than trying to sort out the underlying issues, or because he's trying to make you feel bad?

If he has a history of playing mind games it might be the latter, but I'm inclined to think it's one of the former. Poly affects people in ways they don't expect and don't always know how to express. And the hold on sex affects him as much as it does you... moreso, actually, since you have another partner and he doesn't (it's not your husband's fault the guy doesn't make you cum yet).

Tell him that this is making you sad and ask him if you and he can talk it out, see what the root of his feeling about it is, see if it's going to be a temporary thing or a permanent thing... then decide if it's worth it to you to keep working on poly or to let it go.

dingedheart 11-13-2011 03:07 PM

What is or was the goal and purpose of opening up the relationship? Who idea's are all these things? You might want to understand his motivations before you agree to anything else.

Could be a case of buyer remorse. Looked good in some porn magazine but in real life not so much. You're in a 6-day quarantine....and it may get longer if you have dates outside the country ...so be careful :D

opalescent 11-13-2011 03:34 PM

I'm guessing quite a bit here but it sounds like your husband really liked 'sharing' you with other men, and then hearing about it later, leading to the great sex between you two. And he liked being with another woman while you were with that's woman's husband. It's a pretty common fantasy for many men (and women).

Anyway, it reads like your idea of what an open marriage is might be different from your husband's. He seemed to think things would continue as before while you believed that the two of you would see people separately. Neither scenario is 'wrong' as long as both of you understand it and agree what an open marriage means.

Time for long, honest talks!

mr21 11-13-2011 04:55 PM

We had a long talk last night. Talking and being open and honest with him about my feelings has never been an issue. The opening up the marriage was my idea. The threesome stuff was his idea and the leaving me alone with the friend was also his doing in the beginning. I would have never done that on my own without him. I ended up enjoying it more than the threesome. After the first 3some he made me feel bad by telling me that I paid more attention to the other man than him. It was like I can't win. So the next time we had a 3some I could not enjoy myself because I was to nervous that I wasn't paying equal amounts of attention to him. It was like I couldn't win! so when he left me alone, I was like "wow this is nice" I got to be with a man who has been attracted to me for yrs and I felt like I was his fantasy come true. It felt really good to be wanted and desired by a man who was not my husband. Because he left me alone there I felt that he wanted it like that, for me to sleep with him and tell him about it later. He will not admit to that. I still think that is his fantasy but because it sounds weird he won't admit to it. Seriously..... 3somes are "cool" letting another man screw your wife when you are not involved is not so "cool". Thanks for the advice.

rory 11-14-2011 09:18 AM

Jealousy is not rational. The stuff that makes us hot can also make us jealous. He's giving you mixed signals, and I know how confusing that feels (been there years ago with my husband, with a slightly different situation). He has a hard time telling you what he feels and what he wants because he probably has very mixed feelings about it himself.

At the time, I chose to stop everything with the person I was seeing, because the emotional turmoil was too much. With time, the boundaries became clearer, and communicating was much easier when there weren't so many emotions at play. However, I wasn't in love with the person I stopped seeing, and wasn't expecting anything to come out of it, and I didn't have a resource like this at the time: thus, my marriage was by far my first priority, and I wouldn't have been able to do the required communication and balancing at the time even if I had had the motivation to. After I stopped seeing the person, me and my husband both took time, we let the open relationship issue be unresolved for some months. With time, both of us got some perspective, feelings we had became less intense, we were able to understand ourselves and each other better, and were able to communicate clearer boundaries. After that there haven't been these kind of problems, and we are now happily poly.

Only you can decide these things to yourself. Your communication with your husband might be easier if you take a time out from the open relationship, or even if you just slow things down. You should assess yourself, how important the new interest is to you, since obviously he may not wait around for you and your husband to work on your marriage, particularly if you can't give him any timeline. And you can try to work things out as they are: it isn't impossible in all situations, and only you can know if it can work in yours. What's for sure, it will be more difficult.

Magdlyn 11-14-2011 12:16 PM

It does sound like an issue of control. When the two of you, or he alone, decide to have sex with another, or 2 others, he's fine. When you then take it to the next level, being with a guy who's had a long-standing crush on you, your h gets jealous and turned off.

The first scenario, to me, sounds more like swinging (focus on sex with no emotions), as hot wifery (him choosing a guy for you to be with and getting turned on by it), or wife-swapping (each of you with a member of the other couple).

The second scenario sounds more like poly. Your new guy really likes you, and vice versa, there are emotions involved, not just bodies.

Quite often there is a gender divide. The men are fine with the sex, but not the emotions. The women want the emotions as well as (perhaps) the sex. Your h might now be afraid that you'll leave him for the guy that cares about you and appreciates you. He might be expressing these fears by not wanting to touch you for several days after you are with the other guy. If he doesn't want to have sex with you for 6 days after you have a loving sexy date with the new guy, and you see the new guy once a week, you'd never have sex with your h!

At this particular point, it sounds like you are poly, but your h is a swinger. Only you two can work out how to proceed from here. Your h might be having a lot of the emotions the mono partner does in mono/poly couples. Read up on what he might be fearing by doing a tag search on this board on former "mono/poly" threads.

mr21 11-17-2011 06:45 AM

Well. I have not seen or spoken to the other guy since I left his house Thursday night. That's whole other issue. The guy will not call me, text me, contact me on FB.... nothing. He says it's not his place to contact me and he feels as though he is crossing the line by doing so. If I call him, he'll answer, if I text he'll respond but very short. He is even having issues with this and honestly I'm beginning to get turned off by the whole situation. I agree that we (hubby and I) need a break from seeing others to figure out if this is the right thing for us. As far as a poly/mono relationship.... I guess that's where I need the help. I enjoy the swinging part with my husband but I also really enjoyed the being with the friend alone. This is why I suggested the open marriage idea. I am not so sure I am ok with either of us becoming emotionally involved. So maybe I am not quite poly and still need to figure out what exactly it is I am and what I'm feeling.

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