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-   -   I think this is where I belong (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1698)

refinnej 12-09-2009 08:11 PM

I think this is where I belong
I've been lurking here for a while and finally signed up yesterday. Reading everyones posts have really made me take a good hard look at my life and helped lots. I thought it was time to introduce myself.

Hi, I'm Jen. I am (almost) 36 years old and will be celebrating my 17th wedding anniversary next month. Yes, I was married foolishly young, but we've managed to make it work even when I didn't think I wanted to. We have 3 children, 16, 12 and 10 years old.

The thought of opening my marriage scares the crap out of me, but at the same time makes complete sense. My husband (R) and I don't have a history of being fantastic communicators. In fact, he doesn't even know I'm thinking of approaching him with this idea. R is bi-sexual. He is also a closet cross-dresser. These are things I did not know about when we got married. They caused hurt and confusion when he told me, but I love him and if this is who he is than i can accept them. I decided that just because I love and accept him doesn't mean I have to embrace everything about him. That is why I gave him "permission" to go out with a woman we both casually know who is transitioning male to female. He wanted someone to talk to about his wants and desires, and it was not a subject I felt I could help him with. I told him he was welcome to go out, have fun, if you "click"...go for it. Just be safe and tell me about it. (So I guess I've already opened my marriage :eek:) They have gone out for drinks a couple of times, but that's all. R is a little dissapointed as I think he was looking for a deeper relationship, but that's not something he's shared with me.

I'll be honest, I'm not doing this all for him. There have been friends over the years that I have loved deeply. It always made me feel guilty. That if I was a good wife and loved my husband, I wouldn't be having these feelings, but the more I read here, that's just absurd. Why shouldn't I be allowed to feel and share those things with more than just R? I didn't love him less just because I loved someone else also.

When I came here I was looking for something. I wasn't sure what. I've poked through these forums and I've ordered several books on the subject which I am now reading. I think I have found an answer. I do not expect the next chapter to be a smooth ride, but I think it will be worth it.

The next step is to finnish these books and *gulp* approach R with the idea...wish me luck!

ArtemisHunts 12-09-2009 08:18 PM

best of luck to you! i'm new here, too.

i'm a little curious, though: why aren't you going to tell him you are researching this? or at least broach the topic?

i mean, you obviously need some time to get your head wrapped around the details, sort out how you feel, and learn whats out there - wouldn't he need that, too, before a serious convo could take place?

seems to me that it wouldn't be that hard, since you already have something that is more "open" than traditional marriages. you could just say "this situation is unusual, and made me question if it was polyamory and what polyamory is. i don't know much about it yet, but am researching. maybe you should do the same, and later we can talk about it?"

Fidelia 12-09-2009 08:22 PM

Hi. Welcome. :)

refinnej 12-09-2009 08:31 PM

I'm not sure why I'm putting it off. I've been thinking I should wait until I "know" what I'm talking about. But, I suppose then I'd just have to wait for him to catch up. It would probably be easier to learn if this is what's right for us together, rather than me essentially giving him a presentation on the subject. If we're going to be going down this road I suspect there will be quite a few difficult and uneasy conversations coming our way...might as well dive right in. :)

nikkiana 12-09-2009 08:38 PM

Welcome, Jen! :)

I think it's incredibly commendable of you to be so accepting of your husband, and are searching for ways to make things work.

MonoVCPHG 12-09-2009 08:47 PM

Welcome to the forums! Thanks for sharing this :)

crisare 12-09-2009 11:56 PM


I was in a similar situation (not exactly, but sexual incompatibility was/is a big part of it) and have been in very much the same position as you - up to and including the part where I felt I had to figure it out for myself before I approached my husband. I probably did more of the figuring out part before he and I talked about it - and I"m not sure if it would have been better if I'd waited longer, or taken the plunge earlier. :)

Anyway, just wanted to say that your situation isn't unique and many of us have been there already. :)

PittDruid 12-10-2009 01:20 AM

Greetings and welcome to the forum.

lipsnlace 12-10-2009 02:17 AM

Welcome! I hope you find the answers you're looking for. And I think you're brave for accepting and loving your husband for his differences. If he is as open-minded as you have been for him, which it sounds like he would be, it'll probably go well for you.


Legion 12-10-2009 05:49 AM

welcome, reffinej and good luck! I second the motion that it's a good idea to let your hubby know what you're up to and the sort of path your thoughts are taking. You mentioned "not having a Hx of being fantastic communicators" so there's no time like the present to start. You've everything to gain :)

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