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-   -   What are we doing? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16979)

lifetake2 11-12-2011 07:58 PM

What are we doing?
 
Ok, been lurking for a while but 1st post as I'm trying to wrap my head around some changes going on. I'm a Type-A and normally like things orderly and neat and nothing about this fits that. I'm just looking for reassurance (or otherwise) from someone more experienced that what is happening is normal-ish and if anyone can help me put a label on our relationship changes.

My story: male, married 14 years to an amazing wife. Over the last year my wife, developed a very close relationship with a female friend, C, which evolved into her moving into our home and ultimately the realization that they both love each other. They are both straight and the relationship is very deep but emotional only. (To clarify, there is contact & teasing between them but aimed at me; they both state no spark with each other unless I'm involved).

At some point after realizing the depth of their relationship, my wife initially proposed we open up a physical relationship with myself & C, thinking more along the lines of a FWB for me while allowing them the emotional connections. All along we assumed this was a 'season' and would end at some point as none of us went into it looking for this.

This has/is working, however, it is becoming clear this has potential to be more long-term. With that C & I have just begun to explore the emotional side of our relationship with my wife's support and encouragement.

I'm not sure where we go from here, but my gut tells me this could become a long-term relationship where the difference/hierarchy between wife & friend would dissolve into a equal relationship with all 3 of us.

so....any red flags, any thoughts, is this just an extension of our existing poly-ness or some drastic change?

Thanks for listening.....

AnnabelMore 11-12-2011 09:37 PM

This sounds lovely. :) They say that the most successful triads develop serendipitously, and usually out of friendship. The trick now will be to communicate, stay flexible, and deal with issues of jealousy and insecurity as they come up. You're off to a great start, and while there may be unexpected bumps ahead to overcome I don't see any red flags here.

This article may be of use to all three of you: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Best of luck!

redpepper 11-12-2011 10:26 PM

Sounds good to me. Nothing normal about poly, but if you want to here if people do this then, ya, they do. I don't see any read flags.

I taggged this "unicorn" not because you have one, I have no idea what you have negotiated around being able to date others etc., but because we say and hear over and over again on here that triads seem to work better for the long run if they are established as yours has been. There have been many come through these forums who are searching for what you have but not from friendship first but from wanting to date as a couple. I always suggest friendship first and what you have achieved would be why. It works better for many reasons.

Good luck. If something comes up, we will be here :)

lifetake2 11-12-2011 10:29 PM

Thank you both for the encouragement. This is new territory; but I agree I'm glad it came this path.

As for unicorn, if it helps someone to see what can happen so be it. FWIW, we expect to fit polyfidelity per the glossary :)

Arrowbound 11-13-2011 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifetake2 (Post 110537)
Ok, been lurking for a while but 1st post as I'm trying to wrap my head around some changes going on. I'm a Type-A and normally like things orderly and neat and nothing about this fits that. I'm just looking for reassurance (or otherwise) from someone more experienced that what is happening is normal-ish and if anyone can help me put a label on our relationship changes.

My story: male, married 14 years to an amazing wife. Over the last year my wife, developed a very close relationship with a female friend, C, which evolved into her moving into our home and ultimately the realization that they both love each other. They are both straight and the relationship is very deep but emotional only. (To clarify, there is contact & teasing between them but aimed at me; they both state no spark with each other unless I'm involved).

At some point after realizing the depth of their relationship, my wife initially proposed we open up a physical relationship with myself & C, thinking more along the lines of a FWB for me while allowing them the emotional connections. All along we assumed this was a 'season' and would end at some point as none of us went into it looking for this.

This has/is working, however, it is becoming clear this has potential to be more long-term. With that C & I have just begun to explore the emotional side of our relationship with my wife's support and encouragement.

I'm not sure where we go from here, but my gut tells me this could become a long-term relationship where the difference/hierarchy between wife & friend would dissolve into a equal relationship with all 3 of us.

so....any red flags, any thoughts, is this just an extension of our existing poly-ness or some drastic change?

Thanks for listening.....

Your wife's initial connection to her female friend resonates with me in the sense of that is how I would like to approach this when pursuing another partner, beginning with friendship above all else.


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