Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   very new and very confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16969)

whyimhere 11-12-2011 04:06 PM

very new and very confused
 
first of all my intro; im a married male w/wife and 2 children. i was introduced to a female, we started off as text buddies occasional coffee dates at first, then i fell in love with her. more coffees followed plus intimacies. she than explained to me that she is a poly. i trusted her enough to let her be known to my wife and children. only one thing is i/we havent told wife about intimicies and her poly life. i am still trying to understand the meaning of poly to thats where im confused. i know there is no set rules or really no set guides. im reaching out for others to help. thank you

whyimhere 11-12-2011 07:44 PM

10 views and no replies.

lifetake2 11-12-2011 08:42 PM

Hell, I'm fairly new but I can tell you step 1:

Tell wife EVERYTHING, NOW.

Regardless of whether your new partner is poly is not relevant because right now you are not poly you are cheating.

I can't tell you how to bridge from where you are to where you want to be; but communication is the only chance.

whyimhere 11-12-2011 08:50 PM

thanks lifetake2. i do realize its cheating, im sure my wife senses something to is happening, my partner suggests she is the one to break the ice, not to tell on me but to bring up her poly feelings and her feelings towards me,

lifetake2 11-12-2011 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whyimhere (Post 110558)
thanks lifetake2. i do realize its cheating, im sure my wife senses something to is happening, my partner suggests she is the one to break the ice, not to tell on me but to bring up her poly feelings and her feelings towards me,

Ok, if you know where you are then you know where you need to get.

This is MY opinion but I think it would be preferred by your wife to hear from you. You need to address what has occurred first, THEN you can discuss if your wife is OK with keeping your new partner. From there you decide the next steps. But this is just my opinion.

Good luck.

whyimhere 11-12-2011 09:44 PM

lifetake2, thank you for your replies, i am greatful , i do love both very much, but it is my other (poly) i do seem to be at one with, there seems to be a certain energy level between us, i would not have trusted her into my home to meet my wife and children in person,

vanille 11-12-2011 09:54 PM

This is just how I would feel if this happened to me (wife):

If the woman my husband was cheating on was invited to my home without me realizing my husband was cheating with her, I would feel betrayed by both. I would feel like the idiot who didn't catch on.

If said woman hinted at being poly, I would be confused as to why she was saying this. Once I connected the dots, I'd be hurt that my husband did not come out to me.

If my husband had the audacity to bring the woman he is cheating with into my home, I would question my trust and his honesty. This would inflict a wound for me.

If this was how I was introduced to poly, I would be very hurt. It would feel like my husband is asking me to accept this woman or lose him. Worst of all, I'd feel like an idiot for not catching on.

I'm not trying to sound judgmental. And I'm not your wife - she may have different thoughts running in her head. If this were me, I would want him to admit to cheating first. I would not want the mention of poly to even be brought up. I would want some time to process this betrayal first. Once the initial emotional response faded and I was more rational - then I would be open to the poly discussion.

Again, this is just me.

whyimhere 11-12-2011 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanille (Post 110594)
This is just how I would feel if this happened to me (wife):

If the woman my husband was cheating on was invited to my home without me realizing my husband was cheating with her, I would feel betrayed by both. I would feel like the idiot who didn't catch on.

If said woman hinted at being poly, I would be confused as to why she was saying this. Once I connected the dots, I'd be hurt that my husband did not come out to me.

If my husband had the audacity to bring the woman he is cheating with into my home, I would question my trust and his honesty. This would inflict a wound for me.

If this was how I was introduced to poly, I would be very hurt. It would feel like my husband is asking me to accept this woman or lose him. Worst of all, I'd feel like an idiot for not catching on.

I'm not trying to sound judgmental. And I'm not your wife - she may have different thoughts running in her head. If this were me, I would want him to admit to cheating first. I would not want the mention of poly to even be brought up. I would want some time to process this betrayal first. Once the initial emotional response faded and I was more rational - then I would be open to the poly discussion.

Again, this is just me.

thank you, vanille. you have made me understand , these were the sort of answeres that ive been searching for : i must step back and think, i do want both to be happy

whyimhere 11-12-2011 10:48 PM

lifetake 2 & vanille , your responses are noticed and appreciated deeply. i needed to come out about this, like the title said confused. i feel that this is the only community i could reach out to. thank you again

AnnabelMore 11-13-2011 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whyimhere (Post 110536)
10 views and no replies.

Check your sense of entitlement, d00d. People weren't ignoring you to be rude, it may just be they have no useful advice for your situation.

That said...


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:13 PM.