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-   -   Finally saw the light (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16959)

Tinyblu 11-12-2011 02:50 PM

Finally saw the light
and ended the massacre that I tried to convince myself was a "poly" relationship.

Things just became WAY too complicated, and the last straw was when one of the other women (the one I was actually close to) accused me of trying to sabatoge the relationship.

I do think that there generally are people out there that truly understand that there is enough energy in the world for loving more than one and with the right amount of respect and communication, polyamory is a valid relationship type that can bring happiness.

Unfortunately, I think I got caught up in a poly fuckery relationship with permission (me being the dumb one). Once my character was challenged and I saw the cattiness of the other woman, it became clear to me that this was not a healthy relationship (as you guys tried to warn me) for any party involved... although I think the guy was getting some type of cheap thrill from the potential of being fought over (in fact, I think some of his comments were the catalyst for the cattiness).

What have I learned? Poly is about honesty with oneself and the people involved in the relationship. I missed the boat on both. I personally witnessed the guy telling women one thing to their face and totally saying or doing the opposite when they weren't around which shows his character flaws as well as my own personal ones for allowing this charade to continue for 6 months.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, I am a little sad about losing two people and I am going through the subsequent loneliness that follows a "break up", but I know this is for the best. I'm just going to take care of me for a while and go back to focusing on my career...

Magdlyn 11-12-2011 02:54 PM

Congratulations on your new insights, TB. *warm hugs* as you heal from the breakup and grow as a person!

AnnabelMore 11-12-2011 05:18 PM

So glad to great you did what was right for you. It ain't always easy to just know what that is, much less follow through, that's for sure. Kudos on your strength. :)

Carma 11-12-2011 06:10 PM

On to brighter things, Tiny. I'm also grieving the loss of what I'd hoped would be a poly relationship, as well as the deterioration of my marriage. Poly is so complex, and takes such a profound courage to try something outside the box, I think it makes it all the harder to go through a break-up. But you'll be stronger for the experience. Hugs.

redpepper 11-12-2011 10:07 PM

Hey tb, sorry to hear about your woes.

Could you add a link to your story here? So people know what it is you speak of? Thanks :)

SchrodingersCat 11-13-2011 04:41 AM


He's a real piece of work. Between your post in this thread and your story, I agree with your stance that he gets off on being fought over.

That threesome the first night, sounds like it had nothing to do with you or his OSO, it's all about him.

Don't blame yourself. You're new to this and you were blindsided by his games, you really didn't stand a chance. He's manipulative and he's had practice at this. Somehow he's gotten this other poor woman involved in his games, and it doesn't sound like she's fairing much better than you did.

What's important now is that you learn from this experience. Trust your gut, believe in your rights, and don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with or ready for.

opalescent 11-13-2011 03:10 PM

Good on you TB! Not everyone is strong enough to walk away from a hurtful situation.

MeeraReed 11-14-2011 03:28 AM

Glad to hear from you again, Tinyblu. I was wondering what was going on with you.

I'm truly delighted that you have finally broken things off with this guy.

But don't beat yourself up over it. Think of it as 6 months of great sex, not as a 6-month mistake.

Also, I don't think you were dumb. Right from the beginning, you were worried something was wrong. At one point, you said something like you thought you might be the dumb one or the dumb pussy in the equation--which shows that you really weren't, because you suspected the truth. You just didn't want to believe it because you had all sort of feelings--which happens all the time.

So your instincts always were smart--which is why you were posting here to begin with, and why you were saying things that caused everyone here to advise you to dump the guy. We were trying to tell you to listen to your instincts, that's all.

I think experimenting and taking emotional risks is better, in the long run, than being too afraid to try new experiences.

A suggestion: it sounds like you're drawn to men who are super-sexual and dominant in bed. That's cool (so am I). But men can be dominant in bed without being self-centered, manipulative assholes. (In fact, they're much better in bed when they are not self-centered, manipulative assholes).

So you might want to do some self-reflection and become comfortable and open with what you want sexually. It's common to confuse sexual dominance with general asshole-ishness, and to become attracted to asshole-ishness by accident, when it's really just the dominance you want but you don't know how to admit it.

Other thoughts: my sympathies are with you on losing the woman you were close with as well. That's probably the aspect of the situation that non-poly people won't understand--your pain over losing her friendship.

I had a similar experience with my college boyfriend (and he wasn't even dominant in bed! :( ). I felt close to his primary partner (she and I weren't sexually involved, but I considered her a good friend and really admired her). She started acting crazier and crazier, more and more manipulative, doing things to sabotage my relationship with him, etc. It took me a while to catch on. And even longer to admit that my boyfriend was contributing to the situation (if not causing it outright).

Anyway, I felt really betrayed by her, and so fucking angry I could hardly think straight. It was years before I could admit to myself that at one point, I had really admired her, and that it hurt so much to feel that her friendship with me had been false to begin with because I still missed her friendship. That's something I could never talk about with most people--they would just say, "But she was so crazy!"

So I'm sorry for that. Let yourself grieve, and eventually you'll glad that these people are out of your life.

In your situation, I think the guy was thriving on getting women to fall for him and fight over him. Yuck yuck yuck. Polyamory is fine, but that's not at all what that was.

The thing that bugged me most about him--you said that he told you he would basically drop you if you saw other guys. That means it wasn't "poly-fuckery" either--where everyone has a lot of sex with everyone else and no one cares about much of anything. It was about controlling you and making a harem of women who were all helplessly devoted to him.

Here's an example of how it could have been worse: a friend of mine got involved with a guy who was involved with many women. She was open-minded, not looking for anything serious, and excited to be trying a new "type" of guy. But soon it became clear that the guy was deliberately creating jealousy and encouraging craziness in these women.

My friend ended up having her phone account hacked by one of his other women, who sent harassing text messages to his primary woman and made it seem like my friend had sent them. My friend was nearly arrested for harassment, which could have cost her her job.

My friend is an intelligent, happy, emotionally stable woman, and she was totally thrown by this.

So take the sexual experience, Tinyblu, and don't dwell on the rest. Good luck!

redpepper 11-14-2011 04:44 AM

Thanks for the link Schrodinger (nice to see you back by the way:)).

Oh ya. That guy. Shudder. Good riddance I say. Sorry it hurts Tinyblu :(

Tinyblu 11-15-2011 06:42 PM

Thanks so much to all of you for your support! It has been hard for me, even harder because the night I decided to break things off with both, my baby brother was hit by a car.

So, not only did I have to deal with that, but I had to deal with my Southern, religious family and their ridicule and close-mindedness all weekend. I SOOOOO wanted to call HER (fuck him) and just cry, but I thought that would just start things up again.

I have never felt so alone, but I know it was the right thing to do. So for now, it's throw myself mercilessly into work and take comfort in my beautiful baby nephew. His laughter is the best medicine of all!

There's nowhere to go but up from here.

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