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-   -   How to be more than just friends.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16950)

fulloflove 11-12-2011 05:19 AM

How to be more than just friends....
 
I have never been in a poly relationship before, but I really think I am polyamorous. I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend who I would consider mono but would be open to poly. He has always mentioned that he would like another girl to join us. The thing is, he is more thinking of it sexual-wise, and I would actually like to form a relationship with the other person too. We haven't 100% discussed it because the situation has never come up yet, but once it does we will sit down and talk it all over and stuff.

Ok, so here is the thing, I am in love with my best friend. I have been friends with her for close to 2 years. We can talk about anything and I feel completely comfortable with her. The only problem is that its been a platonic friendship. Whenever discussing sex related topics it never even got close to involving us. She is a very open person and is always looking for new things to try (she is pansexual). I think she may be up to join my bf and I but I'm not sure if she would want a relationship more than just friends. I really just need some good advice to bring it up to her without making things awkward and to get her opinion. I am just so confused.:confused:

Nighthorse 11-12-2011 09:58 AM

Confused? Doesn't sound like it.
 
You seem to have handled it well. You're attracted and she's of the right orientation. If I gave advice, it would be to explore that relationship with her first, or else it may only be just a "sex thing", and probably not the best kind of sex. If I were in your shoes, I'd be up front and ask her if she'd consider becoming romantically involved with me on a non-exclusive basis. If she says no, I'd thank her for her honesty and tell her how much I value our friendship. Then I'd tell her it was an open invitation. A good friend won't let sexual tension ruin a friendship. Best to let it out into the open, even if it's not going to go anywhere. Good luck in your endeavors. I hope it works out.

redpepper 11-12-2011 06:55 PM

If your bf is only interested in sex with others and you want an emotional connection then I would not consider this scenario together. I would stay well clear of any threesomes like this. Maybe go swinging to fulfil his desire, if you can pull that off. I wouldn't be able to, but maybe you can.

There is a possibility that someone would get hurt. She might be like you and want a connection or she might be like him and want sex. Either way, you could get hurt because your connection will deepen and they will just be confused and dismissive of that or he could get hurt when you have sex a couple of times and she becomes more interested in spending time with you alone or falls in love with him and he has to tell her "look hun, it was just sex."

I would be negotiating you exploring a relationship with her alone. There is no reason he should be involved. He might be disappointed but that will be shorter lived and cause less havoc than the alternatives I have mentioned above.

AnnabelMore 11-12-2011 11:05 PM

I think RP has some good points, but I'll diverge a little. I think that bringing up the idea of a threesome is fine if you fulfill two conditions first.

1) Tell your boyfriend how you feel about her. It's not fair to blindside him with something he thinks is casual when it's more than that for you.
2) Tell *her* that you have feelings for her (doesn't need to be a big declaration of undying love, but at least an acknowledgement of emotions) and also that your boyfriend is not interested in an emotional relationship (assuming, when confronted with the fact that you are, he decides he's still not). She deserves to know what she's getting into from all angles.

Only then can everyone discuss the possibilities openly and honestly with a level playing field, and hopefully avoid the potential pitfalls. Also, if you really do love her, then, again, I think suggesting a threesome is fine... but you and she should have the option to explore your connection one on one without it being contingent on his involvement.

SchrodingersCat 11-13-2011 03:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nighthorse (Post 110480)
If I gave advice, it would be to explore that relationship with her first, or else it may only be just a "sex thing", and probably not the best kind of sex. If I were in your shoes, I'd be up front and ask her if she'd consider becoming romantically involved with me on a non-exclusive basis.

I disagree with this advice.

She's your friend and you have feelings for her, but you have a boyfriend. Your boyfriend and you have not discussed a polyamorous lifestyle.

To go exploring a polyamorous lifestyle with someone else before talking to your partner is dishonest to both your partner and the friend.

It's dishonest to your partner because it amounts to exploring an affair.

It's dishonest to your friend because if she feels the same way about you, you won't be in a position to explore those feelings without betraying your boyfriend.

My advice is to talk to your boyfriend about polyamory and tell him that you identify with this lifestyle. Depending on how he reacts, tell him that you believe you have feelings for your best friend but that you haven't taken any steps towards acting on those feelings. Ask him if he would support you exploring those feelings as part of what you need to prepare for the threesome, in the sense that you believe having sex with your friend will bring up feelings that you won't later be able to just put aside.

It's also possible that your friend will not want a threesome with you and your boyfriend, so make sure he knows that you're not in a position to guarantee that outcome. Just because she's pansexual does not mean that she's attracted to him, nor that she likes threesomes. I identify as pansexual and poly, but I only like to be in bed with one sexual partner at a time. Pansexual means that you don't exclude any partners on the sole basis of gender; it does not mean that you want to have sex with everyone. ;)

Nighthorse 11-13-2011 06:02 AM

Good point
 
Good point: pursuing romance without discussion first is dishonest. But every couple has different expectations. Asking if she's interested in a romantic relationship is not the same as an emotional affair. What if she says no? No use asking your boyfriend for an open relationship (if that is what you're after) without finding out if this woman you're in love with likes you that way too.

Another good point: threesome-seeking lover and polyamory are a bit different. Not saying one can't lead to the other, but they do have different bounds. What I said to begin with about pursuing a relationship first is what I stand behind. If you love her, it would be unwise merely to serve her up as a side dish to your main squeeze. Secondary partners have feelings too.

AnnabelMore 11-13-2011 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nighthorse (Post 110641)
Asking if she's interested in a romantic relationship is not the same as an emotional affair. What if she says no? No use asking your boyfriend for an open relationship (if that is what you're after) without finding out if this woman you're in love with likes you that way too.

I get what you're saying here, but I feel like it's more fair and smart to talk to your existing partner before talking to a new potential partner.

Think about it from his point of view. Finding out his wife has strong emotions for another person may come as a bit of a shock. He may be cool with it, or even excited, but he also may have some tough emotions to work through before he can accept it.

Now, what's going to be easier to hear for someone in his position? "Honey, I've realized I have strong feelings for my bff and wanted to talk to you about it before even considering making a move" or "Honey, I have strong feelings for my bff and I confessed then to her and she revealed that she's madly in love with me too and we held hands across the table and stared deeply into each other's eyes and discussed plans for our future life together... assuming you're cool with it" (note that the flowerier stuff in that latter scenario might be just in his head)?

My point is that if he does end up struggling with this, knowing that the bff knew before he knew may make him feel conspired against, or like it's too late to turn back now no matter what he wants. Secondaries absolutely have rights and feelings too, but since she's not even a secondary yet, just a friend, Mr. Primary should come first, for the sake of his ability to cope if nothing else.

fulloflove 11-14-2011 03:09 AM

there is a twist now
 
Thanks for all the advice. To clear things up, I had already mentioned it to my bf about it, and we discussed it further today. He is fine with it and very open to it as long as the communication is there and everything seems fair. We are all very close friends. Once I talk to her we and if she would like to pursue the relationship we will definitely talk even more about it. Also, the threesome thing is a potential thing I may bring up with her if we to become more involved. I def would not press it if she is not comfortable.

The main thing that my confusion is is how to bring it up to her, with out any pressure or awkwardness. If she says no, I won't be offended and I would still want to be close friends. Also, now there is a twist to the situation, she just got back together with her ex, who is a girl that I really don't think is good for her (her other friends would agree). Should I still bring it up to her or should I just hold off again?

AnnabelMore 11-14-2011 04:06 AM

She's open-minded and adventurous? Heck, I would just lay it all out on the table, everything you've told us. She'll probably appreciate directness rather than games. The new gf *is* a cause for concern, since you don't want to get sucked into drama. I guess it depends on *how* problematic a person she is. Like, if she's scary-crazy or abusive, it would be a deal-breaker for me to have someone like that as a metamour (partner's partner).

fulloflove 11-16-2011 10:54 AM

:) update! :)
 
So I just wanted to give you guys an update. I was feeling gutsy and I finally brought it up to my friend. I just brought up the subject of polyamory and we were just talking about it and then she said she would totally date me before I even asked her if she wanted to. :D So that was a relief to find out that she felt the same way I did. The only thing is that she really doesn't think her gf would be for it since her gf tends to be possessive and isn't self confident at all. So I just told her to enjoy her relationship and I can wait, we are such close friends as it is. I figured, I've waited already and we have such a great friendship that waiting a few months shouldn't be a problem (I don't think their relationship will last really long, but then again, who knows). So THANKS so much for all your guys help! It gave me the confidence I needed. I am just so happy right now. :D


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