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-   -   Gender roles (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1695)

Sweetheart 12-09-2009 09:19 AM

Gender roles
 
What are the roles like in your relationships? Who works? All or both of you? Only one of you? Who stays home with the kids, if anyone? Who does the cooking or cleaning? Do you find yourselves imitating gender roles modeled when you were young, or have you broken away from what you were taught?

In our own relationship, we have an almost total traditional gender role reversal. We joke about it almost daily, and take a lot of flak from conservative co-workers, parents and in-laws. She is the breadwinner, and acts like a typical "guy" (as she puts it), whereas I am a stay-at-home dad and do all the cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, etc. She often refers to me as the "mom".

The usual remarks we get are usually that I need to get off my ass and get a job, and how mean & irresponsible I am for forcing her to work. What's interesting is that if she stayed at home and I worked, no one would have a problem with it...

AutumnalTone 12-10-2009 01:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweetheart (Post 14885)
What are the roles like in your relationships? Who works? All or both of you? Only one of you? Who stays home with the kids, if anyone? Who does the cooking or cleaning? Do you find yourselves imitating gender roles modeled when you were young, or have you broken away from what you were taught?

I really wasn't taught any gender roles at home--only had a mother in the home, so she had to do most everything. I'm the only student in the history of my junior high to have checked out The Joy of Cooking (for almost three months). I took crafts classes and power mechanics, both.

I was a stay-at-home dad for a short while after moving once, while searching for a job. My first wife wasn't skilled at much of anything, so I taught her how to cook and how to change the oil on the car and other stuff.

My second wife was always on the go and had run a farm prior to us getting together. She was happier working outside mowing and raking and stuff while I stayed inside cooking. I also taught her how to fix things on cars and she exposed me to home brewing and spinning and stuff.

Curly doesn't cook very well at all, so I do most of the cooking. As in the previous marriages, we both work. The double incomes are needed, for a practical reason. I won't pay to support anybody who's capable of doing productive work, for a more abstract reason; I have no very young children, nor will I have any more in the future, which could lead to me supporting somebody to stay at home and provide full-time care.

crisare 12-10-2009 01:27 AM

I am the primary wage earner in my marriage, although we are both employed. I have the higher educational level, but am not necessarily the more intelligent of the two of us. :D (I'm more educated, he's much quicker in thought than I am.)

My b/f is the primary wage earner while his wife stays home with the kids.

Both of my parents were professionals (engineer, dentist) and both worked outside the home. Both of them cooked and cleaned, but my dad was the guy's-guy who did things like household repairs, changed the oil in the cars, etc. He taught me to do those things and I do them. My husband never did learn those things from his dad.

I don't know what that says about our gender roles, but there it is fwiw. :)

Legion 12-10-2009 06:17 AM

I admit when I lived w. my g/f i took out the trash and recyclables and never cleaned the bathroom even once or vacuumed. I did clean the kitchen and cook. I didn't really think about how much I was playing a gender role until just now.

I wasn't the breadwinner, either! I was going to school and she was pregnant and working until her last few weeks. We had separate finances. I don't know if I did my fair share of housework or not, but I kind of got the impression she liked to clean. Or at least more than I would. Now that I'm living somewhere else, I clean my bathroom about once every couple months and vacuum a little less. It doesn't seem to get dirty enough to warrant more?

I think my attitude towards chores was that I would do them when they needed to be done. Dishes in the sink? wash em'. trash full? take it out. But I would look at the bathroom and think: "bathroom? Clean enough. It'll hold another week or two." I think Nyx would see the same bathroom and think "There are germs all over this place!"

greenearthal 12-10-2009 06:24 AM

Sweetheart you are my hero homey. I'm currently on the lookout for two high income HBBs with children in need of rearing. Any advice would be highly appreciated.

(Do I LOOK like I'm joking?)

Sweetheart 12-11-2009 09:58 AM

I hear ya, man.

You've got to ease them into the idea. "Here honey, let me change that diaper. You go take a nap." That way they think they're the ones getting away with something...

:rolleyes: innocent smile...

greenearthal 12-11-2009 04:50 PM

*taking notes*

Step One: Duplicity.

Okay. Got it.

Ceoli 12-11-2009 04:54 PM

Well Al...if you ever feel like moving to London let me know....

greenearthal 12-11-2009 06:39 PM

Ha! I couldn't even go to Opus --where everything was love-- for six days without feeling a strong longing to return home.

*looks around*

Erm... Did we just start having a private conversation?

Ceoli 12-11-2009 06:42 PM

Eh..people have their own conversations on threads all the time here. Yeah, I do miss Opus. Apparently they're finally resurrecting it this year. I was always working too much during Opus anyway. Le sigh.


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