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-   -   From Mono to Poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16936)

vanille 11-11-2011 07:22 PM

From Mono to Poly
I was just wondering if I could get some of your experiences on how you transitioned from mono to poly.

More specifically, my husband and I have been together for ten years... we haven't even considered dating all this time, so we feel way out of the loop. The fact that we are married also makes it a little awkward.

My husband would like to introduce a girl. But I kind of think that dating independently might be the best way to go at first. I figure we will have a hard enough time trying to find one girl for both of us. Maybe we can date independently and perhaps someday that person can become a triad or quad?

So, what did you do? We don't have friends we can try this with - so I'm looking for experiences similar to ours.

LittleSara 11-11-2011 10:52 PM

In Transition

I'm actually still in transition! I think it's a long process because you have to deal with so many preconceptions and re-organize your brain a little bit...

You will find a variety of experiences on here and since I'm not in a marriage this might not be familiar to you but I think we all have more in common than meets the eye... We have to deal with a lot of similar challenges.

I always recognized in myself the potential to deeply love many people at once. That may be in all of us or it may only be in many of us... who knows if it's nature or nurture (I don't.) Because this was not accepted by society, I cursed my personality and stifled myself for a long time. :( Even if I wasn't official with someone, it seemed that making another close friend that I felt loving feelings for was WRONG. But no body's perfect. I slipped, I made mistakes, and tortured myself for it.

But it never had to be that way. :mad:

Imagine being in an honest relationship where you can talk about anything, accepting
-that we can potentially have deep feelings for others
-that we are together but still independent
-that we can't put a guarantee or a warranty on anything but
-defend true love as a treasure and something that you don't just sweep away because of lust...
-that love can be displaced but never replaced
-it can't be quantified, only magnified and reflected...
-that you have nothing to worry about!!

Imagine how much more you love everyone in a relationship like that. Because nobody is wearing a mask, everyone is honest and real.

When I started reading about and understanding polyamory, I flipped my lid. :eek:

THANK YOU, Thank You, Sweet Baby Jesus!! Mother Mary! And Mary Magdlyn too!!

I'm allowed to love more than one person at once! I'm NOT ALONE?!

I have only "come out" to those I am forming or already have relationships with. I haven't confessed my personal preference to family or friends who I think don't understand. That's still a little scary to me...

But I just have to say you are in the right place because (most :rolleyes:) of these people know what they are talking about, have been through it all, and will give you excellent guidance!

Keep reading as much as you can about polyamory and see how it makes you feel! Remember that it can be personalized to your preferences and there is no "right way" though they do have a sort of "code of ethics." Namely, don't hurt anyone.

Good luck!

redpepper 11-12-2011 06:20 PM

By doing a search for "Mono/poly" in the search engine tags, you will find many threads on just this topic :)

vanille 11-12-2011 07:22 PM

Thank you both very much!

AnnabelMore 11-13-2011 03:30 PM


Originally Posted by vanille (Post 110430)
My husband would like to introduce a girl. But I kind of think that dating independently might be the best way to go at first. I figure we will have a hard enough time trying to find one girl for both of us. Maybe we can date independently and perhaps someday that person can become a triad or quad?

For the record, I think your perspective on this is wise. Feelings develop at different rates and in different ways for different people, so trying to find one person who's into both of you will 1) be much harder, and 2) very probably lead to hurt feelings when the new woman is into one of you more at the start. Dating separately allows relationships to build more organically and authentically, to my way of thinking, and then it's just a matter of staying flexible and accepting that you might end up with a triad or quad or a vee or "n"... it'll be up to the people involved and the feelings that develop, which you just can't predict at this point.

Scarier than starting out with a set vision from which you won't deviate... but also more exciting and about a million times more real. :)

Critter 11-14-2011 03:07 AM

I went from happily married ... to happily married with a girlfriend (who happens to be my college roommate). It hasnt always been easy... and it is constantly evolving... Every day its a new adventure.

PS. Check your PMs .. I just sent you one :)

redpepper 11-14-2011 06:45 AM

My wife and my husband (at different times) tried dating together and dating apart. Both times dating together the love of our partner and us became unbalanced and I ended up dating them.

First time was when I was married to my wife and met my now husband. The second time was my husband and I dating another man and he fell in love with me, and I with him. It turned out he was cheating and lied to us that he was. He said she was above board. She found out and all hell broke loose. He blocked contact with us and hasn't talked to us since. She has though... she contacted me asking if I was ready for a threesome with her and him! I told her I am not interested in casual sex any more and that I still loved him and that if that was not to be part of it I was not interested... she never wrote back.

My husband and I dated a friend for awhile, that was fun, but casual intimate friend kind of fun. I love him, but he moved on.

I got my heart broken in these circumstances and it still stings. All in all, dating separately and staying open to anything that arises that creates more love in our lives is what has worked best for us.

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