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-   -   that "new" feeling with my husband because of my new boyfriend. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1693)

redpepper 12-09-2009 05:29 AM

that "new" feeling with my husband because of my new boyfriend.
 
I have a husband and now a boyfriend, Mono, that I consider equal as far as significant others... Mono coming into my life has changed my relationship dynamic with my husband and our family.

It seems when a new person enters a poly relationship that it is as if the relationship between the two (or more) that were already there goes through a period of time where they are starting all over again... get to know each other all over again in terms of another being a part of the dynamic.

The feelings I had at the beginning of my relationship with my husband started again at the same time as I went through the beginning stages of my relationship with Mono.

I remember looking at my husband and wondering intently what he was thinking and going through, how he saw himself in our relationship and what his roll now was in my life. I wondered how much he loved me and our sex life changed as I rediscovered things I like and new things I like. We adjusted our time together to incorporate a new person and everything between us just seemed new... as it does when a new relationship starts.

Now, on the dawn of a year of being together all three of us I find it hard to separate the two of them in my mind. They make up one whole relationship to me... much like having roommates for a year. The thought of either of them going just doesn't fit. The whole thing would collapse without three. I doubt I can go back to it just being my husband and I and I can't see being with Mono without my husband.

Anyone else have any thoughts on that, those of you who have established long term poly relationships?:)

Sweetheart 12-09-2009 07:05 AM

It's really true. We have experienced that very thing, Redpepper. It happens to us every time we get into a V or triad. It isn't just compersion, it's like we're somehow rebooting the old relationship with NRE.

GroundedSpirit 12-09-2009 03:02 PM

Great !
 
That's great Red ! I guess that's what we'd all hope for - right ?
And yea, we've experienced that too on at least a couple occasions. I think just adding that other perspective gives us the chance to look closer at what's around us - including each other. We call it "getting out of a rut" that we feel all relationships just slide into out of familiarity & repetitiveness.

{{hugs}}

GS

redpepper 12-09-2009 03:22 PM

What I'm loving now is that I feel my relationship with my husband has gone back to some kind of normalacy. I sometimes look at him and wonder if he really is okay with me having so much fun and getting so much love and excitment. When I realize he is okay with it and actually welcomes the time he has for himself it makes me love and appreciate him more for it. It makes me want to give more to him and help him work towards his happiness.

MonoVCPHG 12-09-2009 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 14904)
When I realize he is okay with it and actually welcomes the time he has for himself it makes me love and appreciate him more for it. It makes me want to give more to him and help him work towards his happiness.

:D:D

rosevett 12-10-2009 04:27 AM

ME ME ME ... I so get this..we are coming up on three years together and as normalcy sets back in I keep wondering the same for the 'orginal' partner but he keeps validating he loves having the time to take care of THINGS...he's a stuff fixer and he wishes he had more time to show his love by fixing more stuff (does this make sense) anyway it took me awhile to figure out her was really ok with fixing everyone's stuff and everytime gives me more thankfulness and love that he is part of our family.

I can't imagine my life without every member of my family and we are so amazingly settled into some very wonderful roles that compliment each other very well.

Thanks for the thread Redpepper..

Bowvine 12-10-2009 04:47 AM

I hope to experience this in my relationship. Nifty read and gives much hope.

redpepper 12-10-2009 06:57 AM

Thanks Bowvine, it was you that inspired me actually as I realized where we came from and how far we have come... thanks for that.

Bowvine 12-10-2009 07:29 AM

Who knew!?! :)

MonoVCPHG 12-10-2009 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 14874)
The whole thing would collapse without three. I doubt I can go back to it just being my husband and I and I can't see being with Mono without my husband.

:)

I used to puzzle about this statement especially the part about not just being with your husband. I can't imagine a relationship of this nature without the presence of your husband. It really is something that needs the two of you for me to be healthy I think. I have slightly different reasons but at least I can somewhat relate.....cool.

I think you would do just fine with your husband...he's great! If I wasn't so straight and mono ;)


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