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-   -   Seriously considering I might be poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16911)

alwaysme 11-11-2011 04:09 AM

Seriously considering I might be poly
 
Sorry this probably is the #1 post you see here.

Currently I am single so there is no monogamous relationship I need to worry about changing. Obviously growing up I am always assumed that I would be happy in a relationship with 1 other person. Well, after years of dating, two engagements and a divorce later I am starting to wonder if maybe monogamy isn't for me.

Perhaps someone here can answer my major concern. On those rare occasions when life has thrown another massive curveball will I be able to get the emotional support I need at that time in a poly relationship. Usually I like my space, for some guys I like I lot more space then they are comfortable giving. However, every so often, usually just for a bad night I need to be the center of someone's attention. Can you ask that of someone in a poly relationship?

nycindie 11-11-2011 04:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alwaysme (Post 110352)
Usually I like my space, for some guys I like I lot more space then they are comfortable giving. However, every so often, usually just for a bad night I need to be the center of someone's attention. Can you ask that of someone in a poly relationship?

You can ask for anything you want in any kind of relationship.

Eruza 11-11-2011 06:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alwaysme (Post 110352)
On those rare occasions when life has thrown another massive curveball will I be able to get the emotional support I need at that time in a poly relationship. Usually I like my space, for some guys I like I lot more space then they are comfortable giving. However, every so often, usually just for a bad night I need to be the center of someone's attention. Can you ask that of someone in a poly relationship?

Part of the reason I'm here is that I have a similar attitude to yours. I'm new as well, but I was told in the introductions forum that being a secondary partner may satisfy my need for space without hurting anyone's feelings.

SchrodingersCat 11-11-2011 10:04 AM

I like the saying, Polyamorous relationships are just like Monogamous relationships, only there are more people.

In polyamory, you can definitely have everything you would "expect" to have from monogamy, and often so much more.

For example, suppose you have two serious boyfriends, and suppose one day you learn some bad news that puts you in a personal crisis. You will then have not one, but two boyfriends who love you and be willing to drop everything to come support you. Or if one of them happens to be away on business, the other one will still be there for you.

This is just an example and is by no means "the reason" to "become" polyamorous, but it is definitely an advantage over a monogamous lifestyle.

alwaysme 11-12-2011 03:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 110353)
You can ask for anything you want in any kind of relationship.

Very true. I am more wondering if it is a realistic expectation.

Several months ago I broke up with a guy who wanted me to be the primary partner in a poly relationship. While there were many other reasons we split ways one of my concerns what that I would lose that in the relationship. That if I was having a hard time he choose to spend time with a partner who was more enjoyable to be around. I am having a hard time differentiating in my mind if these feelings were based more on the poly direction the relationship was taking, or the fact that the relationship was falling apart for other reasons.

Currently I am in a position where I could be a 'secondary' partner (I assume that is still the correct term even if I would be the 4th person in the relationship). In the case I would not expect the same type of emotional support I want to eventually find. I was thinking that this could be a safe way, because I would not be as emotionally invested as I was in the previous relationship, to explore the whole idea of poly. I am just a little scared to deviate from what is familiar to me.

SchrodingersCat 11-12-2011 05:19 AM

Quality of partners is less an issue of poly versus mono, and more an issue of individual personalities.

In a monogamous relationship, a partner can be unsupportive and unable to deal with your crises. They might choose to stay longer hours at work, hang out with friends, or just go to sleep.

That's not to say polyamorous partners are some kind of superheros that magically know exactly what you need and come to your rescue and solve all your problems. We're just as screwed up as the rest of the world :) But being poly does not make us inherently more so.

I try to be careful about things like "asking for anything you want in a relationship." It sets up unrealistic expectations of perfection. No relationship is perfect and there will always be compromises. It's important to have boundaries and needs, of course, but to me the wording "ask for anything" implies putting requirements and limitations on your partners that may be unrealistic.

redpepper 11-12-2011 06:39 PM

I ask for what I need and require and my partners do the same. When I ask they respond honestly about whether or not they can give me what I am asking for. If they can't or can only give so much I don't whine about it, I don't then become selfish or lash out like a child, I respect that choice and find someone who can. I, in return give just as much willingly as a result. It becomes a win-win situation. I have seen monogamous relationships with much less of this and ones that are structured like this. Poly or mono its a choice in how one does relationships... the thing with poly for me is that there are more loves in my life to rely on when I need something. Please note that it depends on the need. I always wonder first how I will effect my loves before asking, consider if I can do it myself and always get at the heart of what it is I need. Most of the time its related to time or emotional support.

opalescent 11-13-2011 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 110353)
You can ask for anything you want in any kind of relationship.

"Ask for what you want. You might get it!"

That's one of my personal mottos above.

I find, for my own sanity, that I need to ask for what I want. But I also try to manage my expectations and reactions. I ask Oil Man to go to events or for dates frequently. Most of the time he is not available because of work. I know that and so don't expect him to accept. But I ask anyway because then I feel like I'm not just sitting around waiting for him to get around to me. (Oil Man certainly doesn't expect me to do this. That's my own stuff.)

And because I ask for what I want, but realize that the answer may be "no" or "not now", I also have little problem saying 'no' myself.

alwaysme 11-13-2011 10:33 PM

Thanks everyone. I am thinking the only way I am ever really going to know if this if for me is to give it a try. Since I am not currently with anyone now is probably a good time to go out there and see what I think. Worst case it does not work out and I will have learned a little more about myself.


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