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-   -   Going from primary/secondary to a true V (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16899)

riftara 11-10-2011 09:06 PM

Going from primary/secondary to a true V
 
I have moved to a point where I want my secondary to be on the same level as my primary, of equal importance (though that word is inadequate to describe what Im talking about)


i talked to John, my primary, and he is glad Ive found someone that I feel this way about, it has always been my goal.

Is it a discussion I should have with my secondary. seeing as I never really discussed those terms with him?

It has all happened naturally and F, my other, lives with me, so its not like the fact of the matter is that they are equal in most all aspects, well except for the Im married to John part.

Derbylicious 11-10-2011 09:15 PM

If it's just sort of naturally happened why define it? If everyone is happy I don't see any need for a serious discussion.

AnnabelMore 11-10-2011 09:31 PM

I think that when you've gotten to the point with someone that you consider them like unto a marriage partner, it's worth taking a minute to check in with them and see how they feel. :) The terms are irrelevant, but I think it's usually good to make sure every now and them that you're on the same page... it could mean the world to him to hear it if he doesn't already realize you're thinking this way, or it could bring up something you two really need to discuss if he's *not* thinking in the same terms.

Carma 11-10-2011 10:10 PM

So you're going from a "checkmark" to a "V" :rolleyes:

I think one question is, will the expectations/responsibilities within the relationship with F change? ("If it ain't broke, don't fix it!")

AnnabelMore 11-10-2011 10:31 PM

It's true that it's not always necessary or even good to overthink things. My reasoning is like this, though. Let's say F gets a cool job offer across the country. His thought process *could* potentially go something like this --

"This looks great, but it would mean Rift and I would be in an LDR, which would be hard. We might grow further apart or even break up. But, well... I may take this relationship seriously, and it often seems like she does too, but I need to be realistic. She has a husband and *he* comes first, not me. He's the one she's ultimately going to build her life around, not me. So, as much as I wish it were otherwise, I need to recognize the situation for what it is. It's not healthy for me to treat her like a life partner with whom I'm really building something that could last our whole lives when she already has that person and it's not me. So... I guess I'll go ahead and take the job."

Whereas if he knew you think about him on the same level as your husband... it *could* radically alter his thinking and priorities. Maybe he'd re-double his efforts to look for a local job instead of taking the one far away. Just a random example of how definitions can change things.

Now, his thinking may be nothing at all like that. But as someone dating a married woman myself, I know I would factor things differently if I knew I was considered as important a partner to her as her husband.

AnnabelMore 11-11-2011 02:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carma (Post 110312)
So you're going from a "checkmark" to a "V" :rolleyes:

I love this phrasing, btw. :D

riftara 11-11-2011 02:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carma (Post 110312)
So you're going from a "checkmark" to a "V" :rolleyes:

I think one question is, will the expectations/responsibilities within the relationship with F change? ("If it ain't broke, don't fix it!")


this was my thought exactly

FireChild 11-11-2011 02:26 AM

I agree with AnnabelMore. It's nice to check in and make sure everyone is comfortable with where things are going.

riftara 11-11-2011 02:28 AM

Annabell,

though your example is not a possibility, i see your point. i think i will discuss what he feels tonight when he gets home

Critter 11-14-2011 03:03 AM

Oh ... From a check mark to a "V". I effing love it

This is what I have. I have a V with my girlfriend and my husband. My girlfriend is gay, so there will never be anything sexual between my girlfriend and husband ... but they have both admitted that they wouldnt know what they would do without the other.

I run between them all the time, making sure that they are all still kosher with everything


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