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-   -   Seeking relationship advise (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1689)

cApNhOwDy 12-08-2009 08:32 PM

Seeking relationship advise
 
I'm a straight man and I've been in a monogamous relationship with my bisexual girlfriend for 5 months. We were each other's first boyfriend/girlfriend, we were each others first sexual partners, and I have strong emotional attachments towards her, which makes it extra-difficult for me when faced with the possibility of breaking up with her. Recently, she has developed a crush for another bisexual girl, and I'm perfectly fine with her dating other women while we're together, absolutely 0 problems whatsoever. So, she says that she wants to have an open relationship for a few months so that she can date her while we're still together. When I asked her if being in an open relationship meant that she would be allowed to date other men, she said yes, but that it was okay because I can date other women. However, I dont see myself wanting to have intimate relations with any other women than my girlfriend, except for possibly with her new girlfriend if that's something we decide to do. And I do not want to see her having intimate encounters with other men, only other women.

She says that there are no men that she's interested in right now, but if it happens in the future then it's something that we're going to have to deal with. I've asked her if there's any roles that I've been unable to fulfill and she claims that I've been the perfect boyfriend and that I'll always be her primary partner no matter what. I do a wonderful job of generously pleasuring her until she's satisfied. Unfortunately, I have suggested the idea of the "One Penis Policy", and we've been unable to compromise. We're so great together and so compatible with each other, but the mere thought of her being with another man while we're still together makes it impossible for me to maintain an erection, and if I dont break up with her before she starts dating other men then our relationship is going to be ruined regardless considering how hurt I would be (I'm already hurt knowing that she wont allow me to be her only boyfriend) and how different our sex lives will be without me being able to maintain an erection. We've given each other a week away from each other so that she can pursue the beginning of the relationship with her new female partner and so that I can spend more time deciding what I want to do. I love her and I want to stay with her until the day comes when she dates another man, but at that point I'll be too hurt by the fact that I'm not her only boyfriend that I'm going to have to break it off. I've talked to all of my poly and non-poly friends and everyone seems to mutually agree that if we cant overcome this ONE problem in our current relationship, then it wasnt meant to be. I understand that I'm a jealous person and that it's something that many poly couples have to deal with, but I refuse to accept a relationship with multiple men, I'm 100% sure that it wont work, and she's pretty stubborn about having the option available even though she's not currently interested in anyone else. Should we break up now, due to us being unable to compromise an integral part of our relationship? Or should I continue to date her (we still love each other very much) until she finds a man she wants to date, then break it off? Since she told me this is something she wants to do for a months, and she has never expressed any interest in other men while we've dated, perhaps I should continue dating her in hopes that she doesnt find a new male partner that she's interested in during that time? I'm so emotionally attached to her that it's impossible for me to leave her right now, but the pain from breaking up with her now would be less difficult than the pain that I'll feel if she finds another man she wants to date.

It's so hard for me because it took 20 years of life on this earth actively searching for that special someone until I finally met my first girlfriend. I had attractions towards women up until that point, none of which led to anything, but those were merely lust. My girlfriend is the first person for me to have fallen in deep love with. I'm worried because noone I've ever met comes even close to how I felt about her the moment I met her. As stupid as this sounds, I'm really not sure I'll ever meet anyone else like her.

NeonKaos 12-08-2009 09:02 PM

How about having her join this forum and read your post(s), for starters?

If "being polyamorous" stands a chance with you's, you might as well start practicing the communication part of it. There are a lot of useful stories, suggestions, and other tools available on here that were put here by people in the hopes that it would help others not have to go through the trouble of figuring it all out for themselves (although for sure there will be stuff in your life that you will have to figure out by yourself), and to help others not make the same mistakes (although we all have to make our own mistakes to a certain degree).

Also, this forum is good for a lifetime of advice. Just because one relationship may not work out, you can continue to benefit from the free advice here throughout your lifetime, and in other TYPES of relationships, as well as in areas that don't necessarily seem to have anything to do with relationships.

That is why I am still here, even though the situation that caused me to seek this place out is no longer a "thing". You might even make some new friends here!

MonoVCPHG 12-08-2009 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cApNhOwDy (Post 14819)
but the mere thought of her being with another man while we're still together makes it impossible for me to maintain an erection, and if I dont break up with her before she starts dating other men then our relationship is going to be ruined regardless considering how hurt I would be (I'm already hurt knowing that she wont allow me to be her only boyfriend) and how different our sex lives will be without me being able to maintain an erection.
.

I suffer the same physiological affects when thinking about my partner with other men except her husband; you are not alone my friend.
Quote:

Originally Posted by cApNhOwDy (Post 14819)

I love her and I want to stay with her until the day comes when she dates another man, but at that point I'll be too hurt by the fact that I'm not her only boyfriend that I'm going to have to break it off. I've talked to all of my poly and non-poly friends and everyone seems to mutually agree that if we cant overcome this ONE problem in our current relationship, then it wasnt meant to be. I understand that I'm a jealous person and that it's something that many poly couples have to deal with, but I refuse to accept a relationship with multiple men, I'm 100% sure that it wont work, and she's pretty stubborn about having the option available even though she's not currently interested in anyone else. Should we break up now, due to us being unable to compromise an integral part of our relationship?
.


I hate to see people end things prematurely. I used to think that it would be better to end things right away if you thought something would happen to end it later anyways. As long as you are healthy, stick with it is my recommendation. Enjoy each other to the fullest if you are truly enjoying each other!:D:D

Honestly I think I would be happier if I was dumped prior to even mentioning a new male interest. That would be less painful for me and enable me to reshape in a positive way. Or even just being kept in the dark. I have no doubt that simply not wanting to know is a product of social conditioning that accepts affairs but I can't deny it; to lie would be a disservice to the honesty others share on here.
I know how destructive affairs can be and here I am saying I would rather be deceived than asked to accept more love into my partner's life....how "unpoly" is that :(

Good luck with your struggles Brother
Take care
Mono

MonoVCPHG 12-09-2009 01:34 AM

Some one has got to have better advice than my trigger dodging answer:confused:

Don't leave it up to me or we're all doomed :eek:

AutumnalTone 12-09-2009 02:10 AM

It's a bit of a foreign dynamic for most of us. I'm trying to think of what would be of immediate use to offer up and expect something to bubble up eventually--just nothing at the tips of my fingers.

lipsnlace 12-09-2009 02:12 AM

It seems that you're trying to justify how good of a boyfriend you've been to your lady, and I don't think that's the issue. Wanting to love someone else too doesn't mean that you've somehow been unable to fulfill and satisfy her. It sounds to me that she does love you and is wanting to share more of herself with you than would be possible under "normal", mono circumstances. If she can be free to be herself and share her feelings with you when she loves someone else, she is sharing her true self with you instead of trying to fit the mold of how she "should" behave and feel.

I agree with Mono that you shouldn't break up with her now; that seems to be jumping the gun. If you truly love her, then try to understand why she is seeking this freedom. This will probably take a few awkward, heated conversations to get to a mutual understanding, but if you can work through your problems, there is probably a happy, healthy relationship on the other side.

As with most relationship issues, you probably just need to work on communication. Why is being poly right for her? Why isn't it right for you? A wonderful thing about being poly is that you get to define where your boundaries are. If you can express to her what you're feeling and rationally why you feel that way, I think that'll get you pretty far.

Good luck! :)

crisare 12-09-2009 03:09 AM

Huh. :) Well my advice may not be what others here would give ... but here are my thoughts FWIW.

Quote:

I understand that I'm a jealous person and that it's something that many poly couples have to deal with, but I refuse to accept a relationship with multiple men, I'm 100% sure that it wont work, and she's pretty stubborn about having the option available even though she's not currently interested in anyone else.
To me jealousy is one thing and this is ... something else. You have a line in the sand which is "no other men". She has been open and honest with you that there might (will?) be other men. IMO ... there is no fault or flaw here. I don't think either of you have been dishonest in your expectations or understandings ... it might just be that you're simply not compatible in this area.

Look, take it out of the realm of poly. I have a really good friend who fell in love with someone in college, but she knew from day one that she never wanted kids. Ever. Ever. And he did. And they loved each other very much, but ultimately decided that they simply weren't compatible in this area and broke up. Now, 20 years later they've both been with to other people for a while. He has 3 kids and a wife he adores. She is with a guy she's been with for the last 12 years and is extremely happy (they never married and don't want to). They each accepted that even though they loved each other, they weren't "right" for each other - or at the right place in their lives at that time.

To me your situation is much the same. Neither of you is "wrong". But you might not be right for each other.

So my personal advice would be that if you don't think you can live with this, you need to decide if it's a deal-breaker in the terms of the long term relationship. Same for her - if not being with other men is a deal-breaker, then is this a place to invest heart and soul in a long term relationship if you KNOW that there will be pain, hurt, and maybe even (probably) hurt feelings for both of you?

Quote:

perhaps I should continue dating her in hopes that she doesnt find a new male partner that she's interested in during that time?
IMO this is a really bad idea. It would be like my friends above getting married with him saying "Maybe someday she'll change her mind about kids" and then getting angry, hurt, and upset when she didn't and it was too late to change things.

Quote:

It's so hard for me because it took 20 years of life on this earth actively searching for that special someone until I finally met my first girlfriend. I had attractions towards women up until that point, none of which led to anything, but those were merely lust. My girlfriend is the first person for me to have fallen in deep love with.
While I appreciate and understand what you're saying, you are very young and it's very unlikely that this is the only woman you'll ever meet who you'll be in love with. I know that it's hard to see that when you're 20 and in real love for the first time in your life. :) But honestly, the man who I thought was The One - who broke my heart in a million pieces, and who made me swear that I'd never love another the way I loved him when I was 26 - he wasn't The One. :) I loved him passionately ... but there were other men who I loved equally, some more, some differently. It will be the same for you.

No matter what you choose, at some point you'll want to be able to look back on this relationship and have good feelings towards the woman you first loved with a real love. So, my opinion (and it is just one of many possibilities) is that you should part as friends while you can ... and while you still care about each other.

FWIW.

Ceoli 12-09-2009 06:55 AM

I have to agree with Crisare on this one.
It's a very hard lesson to learn, but it's entirely possible to be completely head over heels in love with each other and *still* not be good partners for each other.

Love is necessary for a good partnership, but it is not always sufficient. This means that love is not always enough to make a partnership work, especially if the fundamental relationship goals are so different. One thing for sure, you will not find the solution you seek by setting controls and limits on her feelings about other people.

And one other thing. I notice that a lot of people tend to stay in relationships that are not necessarily good for them because people believe in a scarcity of love and that we must hold onto what we have because otherwise we may never find it again and be alone forever. With six billion people on this earth and an open heart, it's entirely possible and even pretty likely that you can find a relationship that's right for you and not one that is right except for some huge fundamental difference in goals.

The trouble is when we believe in the scarcity of love, it tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like luck. Studies show that luck has more to do with how people perceive things rather than actual objective luck. So maybe take some time to consider what perceptions are keeping you in a relationship if there are fundamental things that aren't right for you.

Sweetheart 12-09-2009 07:11 AM

Thank you, Ceoli. Well said.

Just looking at the statistics should encourage you that there are "other fish in the sea", even if it doesn't feel that way.


I agree too, Crisare. When people are "almost" right for each other, they aren't actually right for each other.

It may be time to take a deeper look at that relationship.

cApNhOwDy 12-09-2009 06:04 PM

Thanks guys, I appreciate the open-minded responses. I think that I should break up with her, not necessarily because she wants to date other men, but because she is unwilling to compromise for my relationship needs in the same way that I've done for her. I think it's only fair that, in an open relationship, limits be set up and agreed upon by all members of the relationship, and that's not happening.

I asked the same questions on "other" websites, and the reponses have been less than favorable. They refer to her as being a "slut" and a "whore", which is fucking stupid because I'm the only person she's ever been with. Just because someone's sexually secure and wants to experiment with other people, ESPECIALLY since they're so honest and upfront about it as my girlfriend as been, does NOT make her excessively promiscuous in any sense of the word. I still love her, and we'll still be great friends, and I hope she finds what she's looking for in an open relationship with her new partner =)


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